the feeling of sadness is becoming overwhelming...again.

[americantrish]

and its the first day of spring. i should feel happy. but i don't. and i don't know where else to post this or who to talk to about it. i can't talk to my dh because when i do (about me feeling down), he is very liable to make a comment about how 'im unhappy all the time' and 'how i bring him down too'. so i figured i could post here for a bit of a release.
i am becoming very antisocial. not wanting to see anyone outside of ds (who is 2 3/4) and dh. i dont want to see friends (making excuses to cancel plans as i did on this past monday) and today we have our wednesday afternoon toddler group and i woke up thinking of a way to get out of it. i don't know whats wrong with me.

i have a job interview tomorrow. i feel crushed. and i don't want to go. (but will because i need a job.) my self-esteem is bottoming out again (despite being reasonably happy with my appearance) and my confidence is as well. i'm thinking very low of myself again, my mothering skills, the whole lot.

and to make matters worse, i'm becoming more and more snappy with ds, even when he isn't being particularly naughty, but when he's just 'being a toddler'. sigh.

im worried about seeing my GP as i dont want to go on ADs again. they made me restless and gain weight. two things that will add to my stress and dissatisfaction levels now. but i dont know what else to do.

and as much as i love MN and as much as the people here have given me support and help, i just wish i had someone HERE to talk to.
it f**king hurts...

(thanks for letting me vent..)

That feeling of knowing you are sliding back into depression is horrible.

If you want to avoid ADs why not make yourself go and do some exercise (walking/running) out in the fresh air each day. Try and focus on what you are doing rather than letting your thoughts wonder. Exercise is a great why of making you feel better for a short time when depressed. Sit and work out a daily/weekly schedule right now and start today.

Also try talking to your doctor again, ask for councelling rather than ADs. Even if you have to wait a few weeks, it is worth getting the ball rolling now.

PS Spring cleaning also helps me, it's just so theraputic slinging out all the old sh*t in the house, throwing open the (freshly cleaned) windows and letting the fresh air in.

xx Stay strong

thanks kaloo.. luckily having an relatively active toddler we get out and about a lot. i have an appt. next wednesday with my GP (soonest they can get me in!!) the counselling waiting list at my surgery is backlogged at 4-6 weeks. (i was cheeky and asked when i called this morning for the appt.!)
the more i think about how i am feeling, the more i just want to sleep. me and ds walk everyday or go play ball or go to the playground. i'd love to be able to join the local gym (when i get a job) but dh isnt really keen on me doing that AND sorting out my own counselling.
i'm definitely trying to keep my head up..i just know if i let this get the better of me, it wont be good for anyone...

how are you today?

i was feeling okay, then got into slight arguement with dh about the coat i was wearing to a job interview this morning which upset me (interview went ok though anyway.)
was in good mood, then me and dh got into another arguement about whether or not i had my period?!? (he implied i would say i had it to avoid having sex with him..) so now i just feel deflated. again
seeing GP next week to talk about this. its getting to be suffocating.
thanks for checking in...

hold onto that good feeling about the interview, well done! And while feeling down this week as well, that is a very big achievement. you are taking action (making interview, making GP appt) and that can help all by itself.

uh-oh, sounds like you aren't the only one with "issues" in the household!!!!!

Can you get out to see a girlfriend or just acquantaince even with toddler in tow?

what was the job?

the job is for an assistant manager position at a pet store. yes, dh has mentioned he may see his GP as well... we have a whole string of other issues running on another thread i started on MN (about dh being happy due to lack of sex..) sigh.. i guess i am relying too much on him to be there for me.

i have a friend coming up in a bit with her little girl.. so company will be a welcome distraction even if only for a few hours..
thanks again its the small steps that count really...