Anxiety attacks but I don't think they are typical?

[Rainybo]

I've had anxiety to varying degrees since I was a young teen, have largely managed with periods of talking therapies.

When I was a teenager, I had panic/anxiety attacks that match what most people describe of them - hyperventilation, feeling very hot and wanting to leave, having a strong desire to hide my face. I still have these occasionally. I've never had the racing heart or shakiness.

Today, I dropped my daughter off for a residential London school trip and although I can rationalise it and I have, of course, sent her, its been anxiety provoking for me. This has been intensified by my mother telling me not to send her, ringing up crying, basically very anxious herself.

Anyway, once I had left her and was going home, I started to feel very tearful and just needed above all else in my head to get home. My thoughts got, what I can only describe as very loud and negative towards myself and catastrophic. No hyperventilation or anything, just this overwhelming conviction that I am a terrible person and everyone would be better off without me. This has happened before.

I've got home and it's mostly lifted an hour on. However, I've suddenly wondered if this is a type of panic attack and I just have not realised before. I don't think I'm depressed because these experiences aren't enduring and tend to be like a thunderstorm that passes over.

Does anyone else get this and how do you manage it?

Those feelings sound like depression. Could you have Complex PTSD?

I don't think so with PTSD as I don't have any markedly traumatic events in my past. I'm not sure about depression either because it can turn around so quickly.

It sounds like an anxiety attack to me. They're not always so obvious as the hyperventilating.

With CPTSD, it's not about the big traumas we associate with PTSD. It's more about consistently not having your needs met - perhaps with a depression parent or alcoholic parent for example.

Sounds more like huge worry or concern / doubt than anxiety. Or more like anxious thoughts rather than the physical aspects of anxiety.

I get tearful, run away somewhere safe panic attacks.

I didn't realise that with CPTSD. My mum was consistently physically ill and very anxious/depressed when I was growing up (and still is).

I did have some wonderful therapy about 18 months ago in which I worked on recognising my own feelings and their importance and pleasing everyone else/walking on eggshells around my mum and then with my ex. Maybe the feelings today were around going against what she was telling me I must do i.e not send DD.

not pleasing everyone else I mean!

ExplodedCloud- do you get any other symptoms?

They vary. I do get the heart thinking middle of the night freak out panic attacks but I'm pretty good at talking myself down from those. The tearful ones are situational based I think. I get flappy, jittery and teary and run. Really hard to explain as I'm not thinking clearly when they happen.

Thudding not thinking

Thanks ExplodedCloud, yes that does sound familiar, the teary and flappy - I cannot make any decisions when I feel like this, for example if DP senses I'm struggling and offers water or a cup of tea, I can't decide! He just brings both now.

Thank you for all the comments and advice