Hi
I have name changed after using mumsnet so much for advice etc lately I don't want to be easily recognisable.
I am sorry for anyone experiencing mental health issues at the moment it is debilitating and not easy.
I am a sahm - one child just about to start secondary and one at pre-school (large gap due to fertility issues).
I have been on and off ad's for most of my life and have experienced some pretty intense life events - having been through counselling and basically know where I'm at with most things; dealing with late mc, abuse as a child, estranged parents and so on as taken its toll to the point now where I just seem to walk around with a chip on my shoulder. I do have some friends but probably see them once a week if I'm lucky (they have their own families etc.). I think I'm realising that I don't deal with group situations very well and although I come across as not giving a toss what people think of me, I do lack a lot of inner confidence. I become short tempered with people (inwardly not outwardly). Tomorrow I have a chance to join a walking group - several local people are going along but I'm not wanting to go though it would probably do me good to get out of the house, I just feel very exposed for some reason. I'm also thinking of applying for a job but losing the bottle to go through with it. I am way over qualified for it but it fits in nicely with the children but I think it is more the social aspect that I'm worried about and coping with different personalities. I am used to having time to myself and I do a lot of writing (I am part of a very small writing group) and look forward to that every few weeks but I think I use it as group therapy too and talk about my past life experiences etc. BUT I have realised that in general I just can't be bothered with people - they will either disappoint or let you down or something. My elder daughter is thriving academically and is due to start a grammar school in September; I thought about joining the PTA to widen my friendship circle but already thinking what's the point. I'm not really a people magnet and feel that no-one really goes out of their way to seek my company - I feel more useful if that makes sense - so the friend I see the most will ask me to look after her kids etc (which is no problem because my eldest gets a playdate etc) but its not the same as someone ringing/texting and saying would you like a coffee. I don't appear at my eldest daughter's school much so feel out of it there and have not really connected with any of the mums at my youngest pre-school though have conversation etc. none of it has moved beyond that so once again I feel like I haven't fitted in but do get on well with most of the pre-school teachers but believe that they criticize my parenting behind my back. I have lost confidence in people, I know it stems from my past (as well as abuse I was also ostracized/bullied at school) but maintaining friendships anyway when you're a mother seems difficult anyway due to time constraints. Being a sahm has forced me to like my own company and now I'm struggling to do anything different. Don't want to start taking ad's again - I know there are several types but the last ones that I took made my hair fall out! How do others go about developing friendships? Do you actively seek to meet people outside your immediate circle and do you struggle as a mother to maintain established friendships and if so do you find them fulfilling or do you work with difficult personalities when you are an introvert? Sorry for long ramble.