I feel like I've come to the end of the road

[clearwaters]

I don't know what that looks like, what I'm meant to do now, numb myself with an addiction of choice and just settle down and put up with it.

I have such an unhappy marriage. I don't think life out of said marriage would look much happier. I'm hugely overweight, I have no job, no skills, nothing. I do have children. I feel I must be an embarrassment to them. I can't change although I want to. I'm disgusting.

It is all really getting to me. I'm having some very black thoughts about not wanting to be here.

Going to keep on being hated by everyone.

I don't hate you. In fact I feel nothing but compassion for you, and I don't even know you.

If you were my friend (or even in the same country!) I'd ring the doctor for you!

I have been seriously depressed in the past (was hospitalised), and now I am happy. As in, normal. I have good days and bad days, but life is definitely worth living.

There is plenty of hope for you, I promise. There is good treatment out there. Depression is horrible because it makes you believe that there's no hope and nobody cares, but it isn't true. It's part of the illness.

just say back pain, then talk to the GP when in there

Ooh yes this! Just say anything. Honestly, it doesn't matter - many, many people are hesitant to go to the doctor about depression, anxiety and the like. The doctor will not be outraged when you say, oh actually I feel rubbish and don't know how to go on. You're not the first and sadly you won't be the last.

I find it really hard to trust medical professionals. I had a less than pleasant midwife with my first pregnancy and I know sometimes I feel defensive when I speak to them which probably doesn't help.

It took a lot for me to ring this morning and when I got nowhere it was - well, it felt like a message not to bother.

I will be ok. Like I say I won't harm myself, I don't know how!

I understand what you're saying (have been there).

Please keep what I said in mind though. Perhaps tomorrow, or next week, you'll have a moment when you feel able to call.

Feeling so crap is really a waste of a life when there's help out there, and I know you could be feeling so much better than you are now. I'm living proof .

I hope so.

But I feel like all I have coming is misery.

Maybe it can get better but how

I'm tearing up reading your posts clearwaters I know exactly how you feel.

It took me 3 years to get the courage to see my GP about how I was feeling. I told her everything and felt relief of getting it off my chest. She told me there wasn't anything wrong with me that good diet, exercise and going shopping wouldn't sort.

So I know that feeling of why bother with the doctor, they don't understand.

I'm still working on getting myself sorted, I'm torn between 'is my marriage making me unhappy?' Or 'is my depression making me see my marriage badly?'

I'm fat too and getting fatter. I can't stop comfort eating.

clearwater you're not alone, and hopefully we'll both be happier in the future. I'm thinking of you.

Oh bless you Until - I feel so sorry for you and also relieved it isn't just me.

I just don't have a CLUE what to do. I've collapsed upstairs. House a mess, garden wild and overgrown, I'm a mess ... it's crazy.

Truth is whatever people say it's damage limitation at this stage. I feel like my life is ruined (dramatic much) but it is. And I've come to realise a 'ruined life' isn't anything huge and dramatic in the way people think.

Its years, decades, of things just slightly missing their mark. It's being born to parents who put you down and snipe at you and chip away at your inner worth and yet don't do it dramatically - it's all behind closed doors and so no one else ever sees it. And you think that's normal for you and it is just how it is. And it's your mother drinking and your father ignoring it and you.

And it's being alone, so so so alone.

And it's turning to the wrong people to try and alleviate that loneliness.

And it's thinking that you're never as good as other people. Not as pretty or as clever or as talented. So clinging to the wrong things to hold on to any scraps of self esteem you have left.

And realising after two decades you have nothing.

That's long and that's dramatic.

I have nothing.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Thanks. I would love to have RL support but I don't so I do sort of have to ask here.

You're saying soooo much that I can relate to.

I loved my parents but they were both messed up so things have rubbed off over the years without me even realising.

I never felt good enough and was prime pickings for an older man who groomed me between the ages of 16 and 19.

I only realised in the last year that it was grooming and not just me being a disgusting slag by the way, so there's been an awful lot of self hate about that.

I'd go with saying its back ache then
Please don't let her put you off and tell the dr why you said it was back ache
Thinking of you , it's hard

How are you doing today?