I've started the ball rolling for getting help and now I'm scared. Called in sick today, told work why, spoke to gp and going in later but I am scared they won't think it's that bad or will not take it seriously. What if I'm just shit at coping and there's nothing really wrong with me and I just have to keep going like this? What if I've told work for no reason and then I look like a overdramatic twat who thinks they have mental health problems but is actually just a fucking weakling.
Trying to write it down here to sort it in my head. Doctors at 11.
I think I'm suffering with depression, maybe anxiety. I have quite a lot of physical symptoms- lethargy, crying, anxiety attacks, had first ever migraine last week, feel sick a lot of the time, have diarrhoea most mornings. I feel disconnected from everything, I can fake normal for a few hours / the working day but it's exhausting and by the time I've put dd to bed im a zombie, just a blank space. But because I can fake it I think Well, you're not that bad, look, you had a nice day out yesterday, you were fine all day, that's not someone who's depressed, you don't deserve help if you can go out and about and still do nice normal stuff.
I feel like if I start really speaking about it to dh I'll open flood gates that I can't close. Have tried a few times, get so far and then just can't speak. Cant open my mouth, my throat feels like its clamping shut. He knows what's happening, I'm not keeping him in the dark but I can't properly talk it through with him. Friday night I just sobbed in bed til I was exhausted and fell asleep, holding the bunny I had as a baby that if given to dd but made dh go into her room to get back for me. Still got it now, holding it on my lap while I write this. Feel like I need something to hold onto all the time or I end up pressing my fingers together really hard and hurting. I think about hurting myself as an escape because I want to not have to deal with everything anymore and if I drove my car off the road I could I just go to hospital for a while and that would be better. I sometimes think about dying in the same way too. I'm not at the point where I can see myself doing these things but I still keep thinking about them. Its normal for me to look for places where id take my car off the road as i drive to work evrry day. I've been thinking those things daily for about 6 months. Its only when I put that into words that I can see it as something quite bad. I just accept it as part of my day now.
I think most of it is coming from my job (I'm a teacher and I hate it but can't get out. Tried a few times but can't get anywhere with career change, no-one wants to hire me as anything other than a teacher) but I can't walk away from my job as we need the money - buying our first house at the minute I'd never forgive myself if I caused that to fall through. Once we've got the house we should be ok as our bills will fall and then after a few months we are planning on me finishing work to stay at home with dd for a while but it feels impossible to make it that far. Plus it feels selfish that im not going to work because I can't cope so dh will have all the financial responsibility. We've always been equal with money and now I'm going to step out, drop half our income, because Im too weak to cope with my job and too useless to manage to change career from the thing I hate. I hate that I've put him in this position of having to support me and our daughter on his own, it's not what we'd planned, he married this happy successful ambitious person and now that's all gone.
Even little things seem overwhelming. The massive crying fit on Friday night was caused by me walking into the kitchen and seeing the dirty plates etc on the side and the washing machine needing to be emptied. I couldn't face it, I felt this huge panic and had to back out of the kitchen, I couldn't see properly, I had to run upstairs and climb in bed. Dh found me there about ten mins later just curled in a ball.
I've got to try to explain this to a doctor at 11 and I'm not sure how. I cried through most of the phone appointment I had with her earlier. I don't want to mess up and either cry through the whole thing and not be able to actually speak to her, or end up falsely minimising everything which is what I usually do and not being able to really explain what's happening.
Well done if you've read this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting really. Easier to write it than say it i suppose.