Oh shit oh shit

[Theresnonamesleft]

This could be long sorry. Ignore if you want. Just trying to make sense of things and think I might be worse than what I think. Is that even a thing to downplay your mh? Stupid question of course it is... sorry my brain is going on all directions

A few months ago I approached the gp and asked for help because I wasn't coping with my mh. I was honest and told her I was having dark thoughts and in the past I have tried to commit suicide and have also self harmed a lot over the years. These sh thoughts coming back hence seeking help. Given Meds and a referral to local mh support for assessment.

Today I had another assessment appointment with the physiologist. Should have been one but seems there's loads of issues and this was the third, have another one soon.

I've been honest all the way through about the thoughts and feelings. Did get some relief today and told me I'm not going mad I have ptsd in addition to depression.

Normally the sessions are for 40 minutes and this is usually stuck to. Today 1hour 30 and still not finished the assessment.

This alone is making me think now shit I am more fucked up than I thought. For years people have told me I'm nuts but I just laughed it off. Even people who I meet come to this realisation within a hour. Bit I laugh it off and ignore beucase they cannot explain further. But now I'm thinking maybe I am.

Obviously I'm not going on what virtual strangers think. But today's session again I was honest. I have come out of the session in a daze almost and upset beucase of what we talked about. If this is just the assessment therapy is going to be really painful.
Left with a plan in place. Normally it's ok see you at next appointment, the usual pleasantries.
So the plan - gp urgent appointment which is tomorrow. Would have been today but the only gp is one who told me I am a danger to myself and others so declined today. Not sure why I went into panic mode and didn't ask, silly I know. A referral has been made to crisis team and until they get back to me daily contact with gp and another agency at weekends.

A hour after the appointment I have been getting a phone call which I keep missing. Just got off the phone with them it's the crisis team. I have an urgent appointment for assessment. I'm sure she said this am it would take a week or so. The appointment would have been within the next 48 hours but I convinced them to wait until Monday.

I've read things and the only time there's this much intervention is when things are bad and hospital is being considered.

I know I'm not well. Just didn't think I was this bad.

If it's that bad how the fuck do I explain it
To my kids? They know I'm not working, supposed to be back Tuesday hahaha, they just think it's because of side effects to meds. Which it is. But they don't know what meds or why. Why would I tell them these things? It's my job to protect them not worry them further. They don't know I have sh, whenever I have done this I have done it away from them in areas they wouldn't see. They don't know I have attempted to take my own life. Or at other times I have made a plan, written a note and at times bought things to help the plan.

from what I understand these things always leave you feeling vulnerable and strange at first. I have no advice but have a hug x

Hiya. Have you worked with your local crisis team before? I think it's positive that you are being open with your thoughts and feelings with your treatment team. Are you safe at the moment, i.e. do you feel as if you will be able to keep yourself safe until Monday when you will have your assessment with the crisis team? Offering a hand to hold.

PTSD sucks. Well done for seeking help. For me too urges to self harm are a warning sign that I need help though I've never been brave enough to discuss these thoughts with my GP. I'm so glad that they are taking you seriously and getting you support, thats a really positive thing.

Thank you for the replies. Really wasn't expecting anything. No I've never worked with crisis before. Like many I haven't sought help in the past. First aide training has given me the tools to cope with wounds.
Had a weekend that's been up and down. Using a number of coping strategies I have developed over the years.

Saw crisis today. They are going to get ss to back off and agree that the gp who referred has over reacted. That although I am a danger to myself because of how I do things I am not a danger to others. Again a shortish appointment turned into 2 hours.

They have signed me off work again. I have to go back to crisis tomorrow. I declined the home visits because I hate strangers in my space. Will have to return again over the week. Urgent appointment with their doc to have meds reviewed. Currently on sertaline but want to give me something that will sedate me. Talked about sleeping pills (chronic sleep deprivation that leads to hallucinations) but I declined because I cannot say for certain that I wouldn't take all 3 in one go.

Normally only one mh service will help but all services are to be offered and a decision this week to be made to see if I continue as outpatient or if I get admitted into a specialist place. I am crapping myself about this. If admitted initially for a week which is single sex.

It is hard being open although I am still holding back. There's doubts I have around trust. There's the thoughts that they will contact ss, which wasn't helped by the gp who did.

Well done Theresnonamesleft.

You are doing what you need to do.

I encourage you to keep being open with the crisis team about your thoughts and feelings. For me, once I learned how to do that, I saw that being open is the faster and less arduous route through this shitty bit.

Keep coping. It's fine to go to the crisis team if you do not like them visiting you at home, as long as you are able to get to their site for the appointment or phone them if you find that you cannot make it.

Keep posting if it helps If you do need to go in, MN can be with you through that, too. I found the Samaritans helpful too, but some people do not. Or the crisis team in our area have a 24/7 phone line if you need to talk to somebody urgently, it may or may not be the same where you are.