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Can you derive comfort from other people?

16 replies

Shitalopram · 07/06/2017 19:35

I have never, since a young child, been able to get any sort of comfort from others. When people offer me hugs or shoulders to cry on or a listening ear, I get extremely anxious because I simply don't know how that works or would help.

Am going to go back to the GP (as my name indicates it is a lifelong thing that no therapy or meds have helped with yet - maybe slightly take the edge off the pain but nothing curative) and I despair of ever cracking it - especially as I get older and less attractive/physically appealing.

Sometimes when someone offers kindness I have to fake-pretend that it is helping so that they will feel better and not be offended. I accept the hug and maybe have a little cry and tell them how much better I feel as that seems to make people leave me alone faster than if I show my confusion and despair about receiving comfort. That way I can get away on my own and self-soothe and isolate until the world stops spinning a bit.

Is this rare or do other people relate? And if you do relate, what strategies do you have for making yourself feel better without causing offence?

OP posts:
Shitalopram · 07/06/2017 19:38

Part of what'a triggered this is I am dating and we're getting to the stage where he's saying things like "if you've had a hard day give me a call and I'll cheer you up" and my heart is sinking because that has never worked for me in the past - he's a lovely fella but how is it possible for him to love someone who can't be comforted?

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3littlebadgers · 07/06/2017 19:40

We are all different. If other people 'comforting you' makes you feel on edge, then it isn't for you. There is nothing to feel ashamed about or regretful about in that regard. It is what it is.

Is there anything you do for you? Anything which gives you time to unwind? How have you self-soothed in the past?

Would a more detached clinical style of psychotherapy help? Is it just the intimacy of comfort that puts you on edge or is it any type of social interaction?

3littlebadgers · 07/06/2017 19:42

Maybe just be honest and tell him that when you are in a low mood, you find the best course of action is being alone to work through it.

Shitalopram · 07/06/2017 19:53

Thanks 3. Yes every talking therapy I've had has ended with me reassuring the therapist that they've done an absolutely brilliant job so I am good to go (as fast as possible.)

I tried to be honest with an IAPT therapist last year who was giving me EMDR. I could tell it wasn't working and started to give false scores on my GAD & PHQ9 so as not to upset her, but after a fortnight I thought, no, I'll try and be honest - so I admitted what I was doing & scored honestly. She was visibly crestfallen, told me she didn't want to let me down as I had been doing so well (I hadn't!) and it just fell apart from there.

Thank you for the sensible reminder that not one size fits all. I need to find some enjoyable self-soothing!

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outabout · 07/06/2017 19:56

I know nothing, totally ignore anything I say if it upsets you in the slightest.
First, you are a valuable person, as much right to do whatever you want to do in your own way.
Get to the GP and discuss again.
Think about yourself, and possibly share with others what makes you truly happy.
Do you need to be with people to feel any happiness?
Talk properly with your 'date' assuming you feel comfortable doing this. Love can be quite mysterious and not 'usual' and with some luck your date will understand how you can be helped. Do you have family members who can help to talk through your situation and meet your date so that you can be more certain he is 'OK'?
Wishing you the best.

LorLorr2 · 07/06/2017 19:56

It's probably actually a good thing in some aspects. You won't get clingy or depend on others for your reassurance, you'll try to sort it yourself instead. Smile

pomonasprout · 07/06/2017 20:15

I am the same OP!
I had a lovely housemate at university who understood that sometimes I needed my own space. I had another not lovely housemate who was training to be a nurse no less, who regularly had a pop at me for "isolating myself when she was trying to include me" and slagged me off behind my back for it as well.
I had a pretty rough time at university, and the fact that I was made to feel I wasn't entitled to my own space because I was offending HM2 made it even bloody worse.
You just need to find the lovely people who understand that not everyone copes in the same way Flowers

pomonasprout · 07/06/2017 20:19

Re. Strategies for helping myself without causing offence: I've always politely explained when asked that when I'm struggling with something or have had a crap day, I prefer to have some space and time alone to process it. Most people accept this, even if they might not identify with it! The ones that don't accept my needs are the ones who don't care about helping me. But this is just how I think it through x

outabout · 07/06/2017 21:17

I think one of the aspects of Autism/Aspergers is inability to cope with some things. I am not suggesting anything really just saying. You have had some medical intervention which it sounds wasn't 'successful' in a way but maybe 'success' is a better understanding of yourself and the development of a coping strategy which you are comfortable with.
The posts by Pomonasprout are lovely and I hope helpful. Even better would be if your date can take this thinking on board and be able to support you in a way that you feel comfortable.
Please don't get the idea that older means less attractive. Real friends do not 'see' ageing, they accept you for who you are.

Shitalopram · 07/06/2017 22:08

Thanks so much everyone, I am really touched.

Much of my career has been working with autistic adults and it wasn't until a couple of years ago that I realised it would be worth exploring for me. The relief of knowing that it's how I am, rather than a personal failing, would be immense.

Told my new fella how I'm feeling. He said he totally understood and respected it, and would it be okay if he just texted me goodnight & good morning until I felt better. You see, he's a bit good. Which is why I want to "get it right" this time!

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Shitalopram · 07/06/2017 22:11

Oh look I just derived comfort from you all Grin

If you were actually in the room I'd just smile and nod politely though Smile

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outabout · 07/06/2017 22:48

Hi
It sounds like you have made a little step today. Well done, see if you can manage another over the next few days but don't try and push too hard.

pomonasprout · 07/06/2017 23:57

So glad he seems to be understanding and is actively trying to make you comfortable OP. You deserve that xx

erinaceus · 08/06/2017 00:57

He said he totally understood and respected it, and would it be okay if he just texted me goodnight & good morning until I felt better. You see, he's a bit good. Which is why I want to "get it right" this time!

This is lovely. It sounds as if he might feel as if he needs to comfort and reassure you and you might need something different. This might be worth exploring together. Finding out what works for both of you is part of being a healthy couple.

Shitalopram · 08/06/2017 23:19

These replies have been so heartwarming. Thank you.

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Shitalopram · 08/06/2017 23:21

Outabout you are nearly 100% correct - it was a big step! And yes, I will try to make another Smile

OP posts:
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