Hi, I don't know if this is the right place to post this but I thought I'd try and see if anyone could help.
I've always been very anxious, always over thinking everything, even the littlest things. For example, my partner went on holiday last year with his friends on a cruise and the whole time I spent worrying that something would happen to the ship. I knew deep down I was being completely ridiculous but I just couldn't stop worrying.
5 and a half weeks ago, I became a mammy and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is such a mammys boy and I could not love anything more than I love him if I tried. My pregnancy was fairly textbook - technically - however I had so many unexplained issues; he would stop moving for days, bleeding with no explanation etc. I was constantly googling everything and spent most of my 9 months in hospital. I stopped taking Kalm tablets (I don't know if they actually work but they did in my head) when I was pregnant because I wouldn't take anything when I was carrying, not even paracetamol - again, anxiety that it would hurt my son. I thought maybe not taking them was why I felt so anxious. It would reduce me to tears, make me feel like I was going to throw up, it was horrible.
Now my son is 5 and a half weeks old and the anxiety is still there. The littlest things make me have like heart palpitations and make me feel very sick. Today when I was stroking my baby's head to get him off to sleep, I felt a little indent at the front of his head that leads to his soft spot, I immediately googled it and read all these things that it could be. My son is otherwise happy and healthy, so touch wood I don't think it is anything but after reading all these illnesses on the internet, I started to think "oh he has got a big head actually, large head is a symptom" etc etc. I started having a melt down to my dad - who is getting secretly fed up of me being like this, I can tell even though he will never show it - and he said my son is absolutely fine and if there was anything wrong with him we'd know about it. I think tried to calm down and took my son to bed, tried to settle into bed myself but I couldn't. I was googling still, crying and making myself very worked up.
I've just retorted back to taking the kalm tablets which I really didn't want to do. I am coping brilliantly with being a mam and every one has said so (sorry if that makes me sound like a big head) but I just find this anxiety over whelming. I don't want to talk to anyone about it because I'm very paranoid that someone will they because of the anxiety I'm not capable of looking after my son and they'll get social services involved. I also don't want to talk to my health visitor or doctor about it, they'll just say I have pnd but I've always had this, it had just been something I put up with.
I just want to know if there's any other natural tablet like kalms I could take or anything I could do to stop this crippling anxiety? That's exactly what it feels like, crippling and debilitating. I'm sorry if that sounds dramatic, but that's how I think it's best described.
Sorry this has been so long, and any advice will be appreciated xx