Possible postnatal depression and anxiety...just want to talk

[Kathryn160417]

Hi,

My dd is 7 weeks old and i feel like im getting worse each day.

I have previously had low mood and have been to counselling a few times (once during my pregnancy). I also suffer from anxiety.

When my dd was born, i was expecting to be very emotional as i can be anyway, but the baby blues didnt seem that bad but each day seems to be getting harder and harder. My dd has a touch of colic which as im sure most parents know is very difficult but i feel that my patience is getting thinner and thinner. I love my dd to bits but i just feel that i havent bonded at all and it breaks my heart. Sometimes i look at her and feel nothing - how can that be right?! Sometimes i just want to get in my car and drive away. My self esteem is shattered (never really had 1 in the first place) and i feel absolutely disgusting. When i get ready on a morning i dont even care anymore i just put anything on and slap my hair in a ponytail.
My anxiety is awful. Im terrified that my dd will wake up and cry in public - how ridiculous?! I feel like this because i am so fixated on what other people think. If i know i have to be somewhere i start getting nervous the night before. Just makes me not want to leave the house some days.

I have told my dr about this apart from feeling that i have no bond as this is the first time i have written it never mind saying it. I just feel like such a bad mam when i feel relieved if someone else takes her. I jus t feel so bad and just think my dd deserves someone so much better. I just want to curl into a ball and cry.

Sorry for such a long post but needed to talk. Can i even be diagnosed with pnd after only 7 weeks? If it is pnd that i have as i dont imagine these are only the baby blues?

I didn't want to read and run. I didn't have pnd but my anxiety definitely ramped up after my first, previous mental health difficulties etc.

Having a baby is an absolutely earth shattering thing. Your entire sense of self is given over to completely fulfilling another human's needs, and you don't get much reciprocated until they start smiling! I can very well remember the sense of relief when someone else took ds! As for bonding, it doesn't happen immediately for everyone, a lot of new mums take a while to get there and it is absolutely not a reflection of how you are as a mum. The very fact you're worried about it speaks volumes about what a lovely mum you must be. I didn't bond immediately with my second, I knew I loved him but it seemed very abstract, possibly because his brother was such a bundle of personality by that point and this tiny newborn was just...a feeding sleeping machine.

As well as all this, giving birth is a huge undertaking. With any other 'medical' procedure you'd be expected to rest, recuperate and recover. Instead we are immediately plunged into the deep end of sleepless nights, feeds and trying to fathom how on earth to make sure a complete stranger is happy and content when they can't talk!

I don't know what support you have with family etc but please do try and find someone who you feel you can open up to. As well as that, go back to the dr, speak to your health visitor, or any other hcp you feel you can trust. You are not unusual and they won't be shocked or appalled.

Good luck op