Please help me support DD

[nameohnameohname]

DD is 20 and at university. She suffers from anxiety and is now on medication. She is self harming. She has an appointment with a counsellor on Thursday and will begin CBT.

Her flat mates rang me last night as they were so worried about her. She had poured boiling water on her arm, cut her face with a knife and banged her head repeatedly on a wall. I drove to her. She was really annoyed with her flat mates.

Her injuries (cuts) were just scratches but her arm is blistered (the scald is the size of a hand palm). She wouldn't let me take her to A&E and she wouldn't come home.

When I left her she was calm. I am so worried about her. She is an adult and so I can't 'make' her do things anymore.

She says it's her 'own fucking body'. She says she is weak and deserves to be in pain. Everyone else can do what she can't - study well, be organised, not get stressed.

She knows I love her. What can I do? What should I do?

Bump

I really hope someone comes along with some helpful suggestions but it sounds to me as if you're doing all you can. She knows you're there for her and that you'll drop everything to support her. And cross as she is with her flat mates they did the right thing in contacting you - keeping communication open with them is definitely the right thing to do. My only other suggestion would be to push for medication as she sounds as if she's in a real crisis. I really hope the CBT starts to help.

She may be an adult, but she needs help. I would strongly recommend that you phone the uni and get them to help her before Thursday. They have a duty of care for her wellbeing. They will have dealt with self-harming before, so should know how to help. It sounds like some medication would be a good idea - does she listen to one of her friends who could go to the GP with her? Antidepressants could help keep her safe and also calm her enough that she can make the most of the CBT. She's probably not ready to hear this yet - but university really isn't the only path to a successful career, and isn't right for everyone. The good news is that she has friends who care about her and know how to contact you. Other than phoning the uni, probably the only thing you can do is just to let her know that you are always available to her whenever she needs you and that you are proud of her for who she is - not for what she achieves at uni. Best of luck

Having been in this position 2 years ago when I first started uni and come out the other side, you're doing the right thing. Also her flatmates sound very caring.

What she's doing is a cry for help and although CBT should help her, It might not be enough. She sounds like she needs a lot of help and this is more than just anxiety. I'd also say university isn't a good place for her to be right now, can she take a year out or intercalate? There's no point being there if her mental health is in trouble. Good luck and i really hope she's okay xx

I've been there. I now work on student support at a university. Definitely speak to them, even if her friends have its good for them to know too so they can offer her support.

Has she had much support from Camhs or similar in the past? Medication? Will she be back with you over the summer?

Thank you both. She IS taking medication and has done for about 6 months (I think). Her crisis episodes are getting worse though.

She was a high achiever at school and so she finds it difficult that uni is hard - she thinks she's a failure. She is absolutely not ready to consider any other option than her chosen career. Failure is not an option. It would be a sign of weakness.

From what you've said, I am doing everything I can at the minute. I have told her friends to call an ambulance if she behaves in the same way again.

As a student in a similar position I would have wanted someone to care for me/about me, and that would have involved an adult putting their foot down and making me leave uni for a bit. Everyone said I was an adult and could make my own decisions but there is no way I was making healthy ones. Is that an option?

Whose permission does she need to take a break, I wonder? (Teacher, family, friend etc)

Thank you every body.

I have told her very bluntly that she is not well and needs to come home. It is not something she will consider.

I strongly suspect she has Aspergers (it runs in the family) and I think being away at university and having to figure out her own way is triggering anxiety. I have told her this and I know she had mentioned it to her doctor.

I've been there as a teenager and looking back, I'm not sure anybody could have done more for me than you already are for her. I had family support, friends, GP help/counselling, but I have come to think of mental wellbeing and resilience as something that has to be learnt - just as you can't put any other knowledge or skill into somebody's head for them, nor can you resilience. All you can do is facilitate their learning.

When I totally lacked mental resilience and the ability to promote my own mental wellbeing, I didn't even know that was the problem. I would break down constantly, wondering what was wrong with me, why I found everything so difficult when everybody else seemed to find it so easy. It's been a long and hard journey, and I'll be honest, now that I am so much more mentally resilient, it's hard to actually go back and re-access those feelings or put into words how I felt.

There are lots of great mental health pages and resources - one I follow on Facebook and find particularly helpful is Blurt Foundation - it's all about self-care and looking after yourself mentally and has a very positive message whilst still being realistic and helpful. They also make a self-care mail order box every month which you can order for yourself or a loved one although I've not done that yet. If she is not engaging with these kinds of ideas and resources, perhaps you could instead? It might at least give you an idea of how to support her/understand her behaviour and reactions, and you could perhaps forward her anything which seemed relevant/helpful.

Cutting her face is very disturbing. She needs help before she is left with scars and marks that she may never be able to cover. It could affect her ability to lead a normal life. I'm so sorry.

So sad for you. My 20 year old is exactly like yours, but still living with me. She was getting help for a while, but bit by bit everything stopped

I went to my doctor because I wasn't coping at all. It helped, but that would be very much dependent on the doctor's listening skills and understanding

If, like me, you blame yourself for your daughter's problems, I don't know how to help you. People tell me I've done everything I can, but I never believe them

Do you mean she has a blister the size of a hand palm? If so she must be treated.