Bipolar husband - addiction issues with Ketamine

[krimpvarkie]

Hi, my husband is bipolar and adhd. While i appreciate this gives him additional challenges with impulse control, he has developed an issue with ketamine over the past 2 years. Not just a bit, but where he ‘over does’ it. Which has resulted in (after 5 years of bipolar stability) 1 drawn out manic psychotic episode - with subsequent depression. One 6 week hypermanic episode, one short hypermanic episode, one acute manic psychotic episode - whereby after a huge ketamine bender (while i was in Australia!) he was arrested, sectioned and hospitalised for a week. I had to change plans and fly back.

Subsequently (after being released from hospital - while he was still mildly hypermanic) he immediately went on another bender and ended up with me finding him in a hotel room in a terrible state, with his face injured (no doubt from a fall) and requiring a plastic surgeon to stitch him up. Not to mention other countless horrific bruises. Blood pressure was 195/95.

Anyway, always after these sorts of incidents he promises and pleads he will never touch that stuff again. That he loves me blah blah blah. But always does. This time he managed about 3.5 months. The the most recent two times i found him, he had only taken a bit (he thought i wouldn’t notice!) and immediately stopped, handed over the left overs, and pleaded for forgiveness etc. But he was on his last last last chance, and i feel i can’t stay with him now without being a doormat. He has broken all trust, and i feel i can never leave him alone unsupervised without risking a relapse.

He always seems to hate himself after these relapses, says he doesn’t know why he did it. Being self destructive, stupid stupid stupid etc etc.

HIs psychiatrist says this is an addition issue. And that he expected him to relapse. And addicts often relapse once everything is going well again for them. As a bit of a ‘reward’ so to speak.

Do any of you have experience with addiction issues such as this. Who are maybe bipolar as well, or know someone with these sorts of combined/related issues? Is there anything left for me to do? Or just chuck him out and walk away. I just can’t live like this.
It’s the fact that ketamine obviously can trigger mania/psychosis. I just think it is so irresponsible of him and selfish. But can he be held fully accountable to the same standards of people without mental health issues?
Is there anything else i can do to try help him resolve this, or is it a lost cause? Or do i have to chuck him out/ separate and see if that might give him the motivation to do something about this? I do worry (and know it is extremely likely) that if i throw him out, he will probably go on some sort of drug bender (as he really struggles not to medicate intense emotions, and goes into self destruct). But is that my problem...(sigh)?

Any advice/ experience welcomed... I just feel entirely defeated.

No children if that’s relevant. Heck he can barely look after himself!

Other than that he is lovely. But i can’t help but feel he has chosen this drug over our marriage. But is it that simple?

I think you're right to walk away to be honest. I have bipolar and also support people with various wellbeing problems including addiction. The advice I always give is that you can't force people to behave the way you want them to, but you can decide what you're prepared to put up with. From what you've written, you've already put up with more than a lot of people would and it's fair enough for you to walk away before you get further stuck into the role of rescuer each time he screws up.

I've not met a single addict who stayed straight / sober for good while they had someone supporting them, or later enabling them. There's always that potential that they'll relapse as they know someone else will help them pick up the pieces.

He needs to make the decision that staying drug free is what's best for him.

It's not unusual for people with mental illness to have comorbid substance abuse problems, but it's not inevitable and I never demand or suggest that the people in the addicts lives accept it as a justification for an addiction or they make allowances because of it. It's not.

You say that if you left him he would go on a bender- but you have been with him all these years and he still has gone on a bender, sometimes more than once a year. So, you being with him doesn't seem to be the deciding factor for him going/not going on a bender, does it?

He probably will go on one, but that is going to happen anyway. The question is for you, whether you want to be around this and live this way anymore. I wouldn't- I wouldn't want to live with anyone with any type of addiction, alcohol, workaholic and definitely not illegal drug user. It's a terrible shame, most people with addictions are lovely people but their addition is driving them, their life and their relationships and personally I'd step aside and leave him on this path otherwise you may end up destroyed by it as well.

Krim My DP has bipolar but no drug seems to have controlled the illness - he was on lithium (last resort) for 18 months and it adversely affected his kidneys and thyroid so now he just takes anti depressants but they make no difference to his moods. He gets terribly agitated and his addiction is buying stuff on ebay/amazon and getting into debt. I was going to ask him about ketamine but not sure now after reading your post.

Wish I could offer something positive but no idea how we progess when bipolar is a lifelong illness. [flowers}

If you are in the uk, you need to speak to your local substance misuse service (google drug treatment) they can do two things.

Firstly, they can help with the addiction and mental health issues with a dual diagnosis - this will mean both teams can work to help him. This will be really helpful especially if hes already diagnosed (mental health issues can be masked or exacerbated by the substance, so diagnosis not usually possible while actively using).

Secondly, there is usually a carers support group, these are really invaluable as they can give you insight on the addiction and examine things like co-dependency.

I just can't live like this

This is the bit of your post where my heart broke for you, you can of course part ways with your husband, only you can decide what your red line is and whether your husband is able to live to that. Are you able to get some counselling for yourself? I had around 6 sessions at £30 a time, best money I ever spent though I hated every minute of it.