How to maintain firm boundaries - colleague with borderline personality disorder?

[cordialequina]

I'll be vague so as not to identify anyone, therefore some details have been changed.

I work with a lady called Carol. She fell out with me last year over a complete misunderstanding. She falls out with everyone - she's estranged from all her children and her parents (parents have now died), flips over into anger at the drop of a hat.

An example: Carol was once so enraged when a younger colleague commented that the menopause can happen from the age of 40, that she was shaking and tore a strip off the younger girl. That was because she assumed the younger girl was trying to insult her by saying 40 is menopausal. The poor girl really just didn't know any better.

Recently, I tried to make peace with Carol, because I felt uncomfortable about someone hating me at my workplace, and she'd commented to a few people that I was her "enemy".

Already, she's started coming up to me every day, with a new tale of woe all the time. I have to politely tell her I'm going to the loo or for a cup of tea, and then she always responds like "oh sorry, I'm wasting all your time" or a similar guilt trip that demands a response of "no, not at all".

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her, waiting to have my head ripped off if I say the wrong thing.

Carol also over-shares massively, e.g. last week she casually told me she was abused as a child and went into great detail about her mother's death, and the death of her son 5 years ago. It is very awkward in a workplace context. I try to give sympathy but it's really wearing (I hope this doesn't make me sound like a total cunt).

Her social skills are just generally a bit poor, e.g. she was saying she's the only person at work who's lost both parents. A colleague of only 18 responded that she lost her whole family in a car crash, and the older woman's response was "I'm glad I'm not the only one who's lost their parents then". No word of sympathy, nothing.

If she gets into an argument with someone, she has an ability to say the most cutting thing possible to put them in their place. She has also confided in me that she thinks people are conspiring against her due to her age.

She recently said to me that she thinks she has BPD, and I think it's probably quite likely, as I've experienced this in the past with a friend with BPD.

Management are fully aware of the issue, they are trying to make her reflect on her behaviours. However, as she's in her 40s, I don't see her making any massive strides to change in the short term. It is clear she would need a lot of therapy.

In the meantime, I want to protect myself from the stress without causing Carol to lose it with me again.

How do I maintain firm boundaries with her, without her jumping to the conclusion that I hate her/am conspiring against her/hate her because she's older than me, which is what she thinks about everyone?

Thanks for any advice.

without her jumping to the conclusion that I hate her/am conspiring against her/hate her because she's older than me, which is what she thinks about everyone?

You can only control how you behave. You cannot control Carol's reactions to how you behave. If you feel uncomfortable because of your perception of Carol's opinion of you (you mention feeling uncomfortable feeling as if you are hated at work, and feeling "guilt tripped") this is your issue to work on. It is unlikely that you can fine-tune your own behaviour in such a way that Carol changes.

Is this person in your management line? What specifically is happening that is causing you stress? Is the sensation that you are having your head ripped off sufficiently serious that you ought to discuss the matter with HR?

The situation is known to HR. Nobody ever knows what will set her off, she is so intense.

People have responded by withdrawing from her but now she claims she's being ostracised because of her age and it's discrimination.

I'm worried if I don't keep indulging and listening to her stories at work, she will turn on me again and I'll have to cope with her telling everyone how awful I am.

I expect she will start bitching about you. A lot.

Everyone knows what she's like so it won't do you any harm.

I'd be far more worried about being seen to be her buddy by everyone else who knows she's a bad lot.

People judge you by the company you keep (for good reason).

So what if she says terrible things about you? It sounds like she does that about everybody. They all know what she's like so nobodys opinion of you will change because she's bitching.

If she bitches about someone, tell her no, that's not appropriate conversation.

If she starts droning on about herself, you can tell her you have work to do.

If she cuts you or someone else down you can calmly say 'that was very rude and unnecessary', then turn around and ignore her.

Report every incidence of abusive behaviour. But also tell her when her behaviour is abusive.

There's no need to pander, indulge or pretend. Be polite and professional but don't accept any inappropriate or abusive behaviour. And stop worrying what she will say about you.

I would encourage her to seek help if she thinks she has BPD - you cannot self-diagnose or make assumptions. It could be ASD (commonly misdiagnosed as BPD), but either way it doesn't sound like her life is particularly enjoyable and maybe she just doesn't have the emotional skills to behave differently. If you can make her understand that her behaviour is not acceptable, but that you understand that maybe she has some underlying issue that she needs support with, hopefully you're reassuring her that it's coming from a place of caring. She may not react that way but you'll know you've done the best thing anyway.

If your colleague is willing to make changes then, as Albadross says, she will need to seek out support. Diagnosing BPD is complicated, and just because she feels as if the diagnosis might fit her, does not mean that a psychiatrist would agree.

I'm worried if I don't keep indulging and listening to her stories at work, she will turn on me again and I'll have to cope with her telling everyone how awful I am.

This might indeed be what happens. You might have to work on your accepting that this is how she behaves. What are you specifically concerned about if she tells everyone how awful you are? Is she your line manager, for example?

I had a very difficult colleague at a previous workplace, she clearly had some mental health issues as her reactions and stories were very extreme to the point of irrationality and it was very difficult sharing a workplace with her. So my sympathies!

I would advise being as distant with her as you can without being rude. You will likely be far more vulnerable in her inner circle than you are as her 'enemy'.

Agree, be as distant as you can without being rude. Don't show sympathy (but neither the opposite). When she responds like "oh sorry, I'm wasting all your time" or a similar guilt trip that demands a response of "no, not at all" you might try another response. What it should be I don't know as I don't know her, but try not to "accommodate". Maybe you can just bite your tongue and stay silent and let her words just hang there, not being replied to.

Have a look on the forum 'out of the fog'. There's a bit on 'co workers', great site and will give you some tools that have been seen to work

An example: Carol was once so enraged when a younger colleague commented that the menopause can happen from the age of 40, that she was shaking and tore a strip off the younger girl. That was because she assumed the younger girl was trying to insult her by saying 40 is menopausal. The poor girl really just didn't know any better.

The 'poor girl' seems to be more informed than either of you. Mine started at 40. It is called 'early onset'. You both need to apologise to her really.