Im sinking and i cant seem to pull myself together.

[KickMeIntoReality]

I dont really know what to say. Im a single parent. I've suffered from depression in the past, on and off for the last 15 years probably.

I had a rubbish childhood (beatings and mental abuse from my stepfather) which up until now i didn't realise bothered me so much. My real father has never had any interest in me. All my family bar one live miles away.

I feel abandoned, that's probably the best way to describe it. My mother was never so great but for the last few years has been an alcoholic..maybe longer, i dont know. She has drunk for as long as i remember but perhaps could hide it better when i was a child. My aunt who is a good and decent person, who openly despairs of my mum, doesn't really have any interest in me and my children anymore...dont get me wrong, she has been kind to me over the years but now im not in her life plan and that's fair and ok. She's worked hard all her life and deserves to be able to retire abroad (that's what she's planning).

Maybe i'm selfish but suddenly i feel terribly alone, not lonely (i have a couple of real friends). I didn't have many people to start with and they have all gone now or in the process of going.

I love my mum but most of the time she's too drunk to talk to me, understand what im saying, doesnt remember etc etc etc.

I have my bf who is wonderfully patient and understanding and i can honestly say at the moment he is the only thing that keeps me going. But he lives so far away and i dont see him often. There's neither of us happy with that but circumstances (both of ours) make it impossible to be together at the moment.

I can feel myself sinking into depression again and it scares me. I dont know what to do. I cant function properly. I dont want to be the pathetic victim, i've gone through some rough times over the past few years and have gotten through it, i thought now i was a stronger person but somehow i find myself falling apart.

Well i dont know what my point is, or why im posting. (Am a mn regular btw). I'm ashamed i feel like this, disappointed in myself. I just thought maybe if i could get this out i may feel better.

Please give me a good kick.

You absolutely don't deserve any kicks.
Maybe you can talk to the two good friends and your good bf and they will help you. I am sure some wise people will come along to support you on here. Be kind to yourself and focus on whatever brings you peace: you are not alone.

Sounds like you don't need anymore reality, either.
Have you been on meds in the past for depression? Or had counselling? Are either of these something you could consider now?
15 years is a long time to not feel 100%.

I think getting it all out can be useful too. At least you can read back what you have written and see that you do have friends - I really hope 1 of them will be there for you.

Thanks for posting. Yes i've been on meds in the past for depression, many different ones. They worked but i decided enough was enough a couple of years ago. I wanted to address the problem and sort it out for good, not just sugar coat it with meds. (8-ish years, meds on and off isn't good). After all, my problems won't go away, i wanted to learn how to handle them as whenever i've come off medication i've been terrible again within a few months.

And so i asked for counselling. I went to about four sessions and felt totally comfortable with it, felt sure i was making progress. But i had a baby daughter and no-one to look after her so i had to give up the counselling. Still, i felt ok for a long time and thought i could cope. It's suprprising for me now that i feel this way and i dont like it one bit. My mum is the main factor, but i cant change her. I just need to learn how to deal with it.

If the counselling was helping, even though you only had a little, then it would be a positive thing for you to get more. Sorry - no experience of this myself, but I really hope you can find a way to get some support so you can start to feel well again. Good wishes and good night (it's late for me). Look after yourself.

I think if you can find a way to manage it financially and childcare-wise, counselling, proper psychotherapy, might be able to help you with strategies to live past your rotten mother and childhood.
I had a year's psychotherapy after a stillbirth and a suddent subsequent pregnancy and honestly I spent hardly any time talking about grief. It was mostly about coming to terms with people in my family not understanding and my intermittently upsetting relationship with my own mum (nothing as bad as what you have had to live with though )
It helped me so much. I was not on ADs at any point because I felt instinctively they were not what I really needed. The things that were upsetting me have not changed much, but I can deal with them manageably now.
Thank goodness you have a loving bf and a couple of good RL friends.
You don't need a kick, you need some support