cant think of a thread heading for how i feel

[happyfrown]

cant think of a 'subject' heading, sitting here thinking what shall I call my subject? rush of issues and bad thoughts come gathering.
not going to get any replies any way cos people see my name and think oh its her again! caused her own pain. leave her to it. sit there refreshing the page to see if any one wants to talk to you cos im such a misery and a loner and have no one to talk to in real life.

i don't know how long i can hold the thought about be better of dead at bay, i sit staring into space feeling that the lost alone and confused feeling will just kill me anyway. like i will just die on the spot. i don't know where to leave my thoughts, my past, my bleak future. i don't know how i can do it any more. and im typing to complete strangers in the hope that some one can help. but the reality is its a computer screen and no one can help. and tomorrow comes and its the same struggle.
the same thoughts of lifes shit, no one needs me, theres nothing to look forward to, i offer nothing, then my head tells me to shut and stop moaning - theres people out there with real problems. don't be so self absorbed and self pitying over your own made problems.
people wont even be able to make sense of this, laugh it off and go to check out how funny the debates on the AIBU threads are going.

trying to get help for years, being told im my own worse enemy -yeah i know, cos i had no one growing up, no loving parents, everyone told me i looked weird, sound weird, look like a tramp, spoke to me like shit walked all over me.
that im quite aware of my issues and just need to challenge them - yes im aware im a shit mum and cant love my kids, im aware ive ruined 3 peoples futures, i aware i hate what i look like and want to rip my face off every morning and do sit ups til midnight, weigh my lettuce so i don't get fat. i aware im not quite right in the head. im also aware that i cant help it and its deep set, how i function and learned to cope. that i need to help my self and no one else can change it for me. i reach out for help cos i don't know how to fix me. but knowing i never will really, you can pretend all is good but deep down you know your only breathing so your kids don't hurt.

ive got no will power to fight knowing theres nothing to gain, that i will eventually loose everything, i'll be alone one day and then i can let go.

You can do it. You are worth it. You are enough.

On a more practical note, distraction is sometimes the only way I can get through life. Literally distracting myself from everything that hurts. If you have time on your hands, it's stuff like watching a film, reading a book, painting a fence, sorting out papers, sorting out in general (bookcase, kitchen cupboards, drawers, dvds, garage...etc), going for a walk, a run, a bike ride, going to a group of some kind, digging up the garden, cultivating veg/flowers... If you are struggling with smaller pockets of time then maybe little things to keep your mind focused could help, e.g. making a note of everything on your mind as it comes (writing it down will help it to stop going round your head), buying a fiddle toy or just keeping a pen/marble/piece of string etc to fiddle with, actively doing something alongside work/cooking tea/etc e.g. writing a poem, learning a song, counting the cracks in the ceiling...

These don't deal with the problems themselves but what I have found for me is that sometimes the problems can't be dealt with (e.g. I have a chronic health condition with no cure), so survival is the next best thing.

happy I know things are tough right now. Do you have any RL MH support?