I made a mistake in marrying this man.

[JammyGem]

We've only been married a week. I got so caught up in all the wedding stuff that I didn't stop to think what marriage would mean. And now I'm stuck.

We both gave up smoking the day after the wedding - a fresh start to a new life. It hasn't affected me much, I don't have any cravings or anything- I was really only a social smoker. But DH has turned into a short-tempered arsehole ever since. He constantly snaps at me and I regret marrying him already. I don't want to put up with this all my life.

Today we went shopping to get the last few bits for our honeymoon. I had a bit of a bad moment and started to have a panic attack while we were shopping - I have bad anxiety and depression, and it's been a while since I've had an attack. I didn't make a scene, I just told him I couldn't breathe and needed to sit down. He got angry and stormed away in a huff.
He came back after a few minutes and things seemed a little better, until he asked a question about what we were looking at. English isn't his first language, and I answered his question thinking he'd finished speaking. He had a go at me for not letting him finish, and when I explained that there was a long pause so I thought he'd finished the question, he went off on one about how he was trying to think of the words and started to passive-aggressively "apologising" for not being English.
I couldn't take any more so I told him I was going home and left him in the shop.

We're both home now, him on his computer, me hiding in the bedroom. We haven't said a word to each other. I don't have any friends or family nearby to go to. I don't want to deal with any of this anymore, I want to get away and escape. I can't believe how stupid I've been thinking i could actually marry someone and be happy. We're supposed to be going on our honeymoon in 2 days but the thought of spending time alone with him fills me with dread. What do I do now?

Unless there is a huge backstory here and actually you've never ally wanted to be with him (not sure if this is that TBH! Yes u wouldn't be saying that yu love him otherwise), I think you need to have a word with you re stopping the cigarettes.

As another posters said, it can make people absolutely awful and he needs to find a way to deal with it wo using you as a metaphorical punching bag.

If he, even after taking about it, he still doesn't do anything, is making you responsible for it all etc... then you will have very good reasons to say enough is enough.

Note: you won't be only one. I know a few people who got divorce less than a year after getting married and despite having spent several years together before hand.

Failure? The failure would be wasting a lifetime in completely avoidable misery. Many people go 20 years and several kids before realising they could have got out far sooner. How can it be a failure to rectify a mistake when you realise you've made one?

We have discussed our expectations about bringing up children at length before, and although there were a couple of minor things we disagreed on, we came to a compromise where we were both happy.

Maybe it is too soon to be thinking of divorce. All I know is that I'm so tired of crying and feeling like shit. As I was walking home today some random man made a silly little compliment about the sun, and all j could think was that a complete stranger makes me feel better about myself than my own husband.

I've tried to be as supportive as I can with him giving up smoking but I can't do it anymore. I don't know how I'm going to get out of this, how I'm going to get out of feeling like this, and I'm scared that it won't be long now until I reach a crisis point in my mental health.

Everyone will think I'm such a failure. I cant stop crying. All I want is a hug from my DH but he's too angry.

I may check into a hotel tonight just to give myself some time to myself.

Just to clarify, things were ok a week ago?
It's ok to want a divorce at any time for any reason. I just think that if things were ok a week ago, and it's been a particularly stressful week with giving up smoking (and probably a bit of tiredness after the wedding) it might be worth giving things a chance...

My cousin realised she'd made a massive mistake very soon after her wedding. I think she'd got caught up in the idea of getting married and was swept along by the occasion. She soon realised she didn't love him and left within a month or so. It was pretty ugly, he wasn't happy but they just weren't right together and he wasn't very nice either.

I don't know what she was thinking really (they'd been together a few years before the wedding so she knew what he was like) or how it got to that point but it does happen

She's remarried now with two children. Meanwhile, the ex-husband has gone from disaster to disaster. His own making, not my cousin's!

"cant afford anywhere to live on your own"

If you are working surely you can afford to rent a room ?

It seems a big step to both not have jobs and nowhere to live ?

Do you have savings to live on before you move to another town ?

Can you postpone the honeymoon or is already paid for ?

I would take some time alone to have a big think about things before you make any big changes

I would also not have children with this man before I had sorted out all the above

Is he going to apologise ?

Everyone will think I'm such a failure

I personally will think you are strong and smart for rectifying this mistake, if you decide it is one, saving yourself a lifetime of sadness and opening the possibility for someone who will make you happy.

If you can afford to check into a hotel to give yourself some time and space to just relax that may help how you feel.

Reason I asked about children etc is that to me red flags were raised at the quitting jobs and moving areas. It's classic to try and isolate and remove independence and moving to a new area, jobless would be just that and is rather concerning.

Do you have anyone you can chat to about your anxiety? CPN? Counsellor? etc?

Do you have family or friends nearby?

Tell him you don't want to go on the honeymoon with him as things stand. One of you can go to get some space to think. It is drastic, but appropriate to his unkind behaviour and if he wants the marriage to work he might need the shock of you calling him on it right away.

Saying that, marriage, weddings and giving up smoking are particularly stressful things, and you already have difficulties with anxiety. Be careful you are not relapsing into 'I'm a failure at everything' inner talk, instead of the other two alternatives here - standing up for yourself appropriately and asserting your rights, or being prepared to work hard on something if it is wortwhile. Get some support from someone.

It's almost certainly due to giving up smoking.

It can have massive effect on people's moods etc.

You should be able to come through that. Or maybe get some advice from a doctor on how to manage it. I'm hesitant to say he should start smoking again for the sake of your relationship...

If you are in the UK you can't get divorced until you have been married for a year, then you need to have one of 5 reasons, 2 of which are two years apart or five years apart

I think you should get your job back and not move until he stops behaving like a twat. Giving up smoking can be hard, but it is unacceptable of him to take his foul moods out on you. If he can't handle the withdrawl he should go and get some professional advice on how to manage it so he can stop behaving like a bastard. Then only once your relationship has been good for a while should you even contemplate giving up your job and moving. He could be behaving like he is because of withdrawl, or it could be because now you're his wife he thinks he has you and can do what he likes.

I felt like this a week or so after my wedding, but I didn't want to be a "failure" so I carried on miserably for 3 more years until i couldn't take it anymore, which included moving to a new town with new jobs for a "new life" which changed absolutely nothing. Looking back I wish I'd left as soon as I realised I'd made a mistake.

You might have MH issues Op but he has not long lost his father, he can't communicate properly because of the language barrier and he's just given up smoking after getting married.
Not sure why you think it was all going to be plain sailing.
You said you love the bones of him earlier. You sure it's not you realising the commitment you have undertaken?

Those that matter don't mind
Those that mind don't matter

It's your life, do what makes you happy.

I think it's been going on longer, but you were focussed on planning the wedding etc and he is worse because he's 'got' you now, he can stop pretending.

You know you've made a mistake, he's treating you like crap & gaslighting you. The sooner you take action the better. There's no medal for staying.

Get your job back.

One of you go on the honeymoon with a friend, the other can stay behind & start sorting their life out.

Be strong, you can do it, you need to do it.

I'm not strong. I really really love him but he obviously doesn't love me if this is how he can treat me. I don't know why he married me.

I booked a hotel room. A big part of me would like to "check out" while I'm there. That way I don't have to deal with everyone realising how unlovable and how much of a failure I am.

Obviously quitting smoking can make people extra 'moody' for a bit, but this case with you DH does seem worse than that.

Never have children with someone who does not wholeheartedly support your mental health. I have long term mental health issues and having children put pressure on my mental health big time.

My DP is extremely supportive, and was before the kids so I felt secure. You can be very vulnerable after having a baby. I would be very careful about this, he did not support you before.

Please look after your self, 'rubbish' support is not better than no 'support'. I have been in controlling and abusive relationships which set me back many years with my mental health. I wish I left them ASAP.

If the relationship is not right you need to take care of yourself and leave. Go to a friends, or a family members, find someone to speak to and make sure you have independent support networks. Do not move to a new town, in a new marriage with someone like this.

Good luck xx

You are not a failure, realising things aren't right is a very big, developed step. Welldone! It's far from failure!

Do you have anyone you can talk to in person, or on the phone?

x

OP have a chat with someone in RL or could you call the samaritans if you're feeling desperate?

What do you mean by "checking out"?

OP, of all the human mistakes that can be made, marrying the wrong person might be the most common of the lot. You've realised early on. It would be much worse if you lost the next 30 years like this. It is not failure, it is course correction.

Anyone in an unhappy marriage would understand you getting out and want you to. Anyone in a happy marriage would feel the same, because they'd want you to have a chance to be happy too. The only people who would think you should throw good money after bad and make an unhappy marriage a long one instead of a short one are idiots, and who cares what an idiot thinks?

Some space sounds like a good thing. But do you have anyone you can talk to about things in RL. 'Checking out' is not the answer.

You're not a failure

Jammy I think you are spiralling into a mental health crisis, and this isn't the best time to evaluate your relationship full stop.

Who do you normally contact when things get bad? Do you have a crisis team you can get in touch with? Could you make an appointment with the GP on Monday?

All of this will seem different in a few days, you have all been under enormous strain, I know lots of people who had a 'low' after their wedding as they are stressful, plus quitting smoking can dramatically alter a person's moods or even trigger a depression in some people (either in you or him or both), so please don't make decisions now, just get through the next few days, ask for help for support for yourself.

You have lots of time to decide these things, but the number one priority is to look after yourself mentally.

i agree with four eyes(greatname)

your having a mental heealth problem ather than a marital one

my dh quit smoking was like the biggst wankr alivee until i got hima vape-it seem to do the trick

theyre short and snappy with u because its an addiction u cant just give up and expect things to be normal

have som time away but please see your doctor about how youre feeling and talk to your dh

You are not a failure. You have realised in time.
Good luck.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.