Family life triggers my depression

[LoversLane]

I have name changed but I can assure you I have been in MN for many years. After long infertility battles we ended up having two children very close in age (preschoolers). Family life is not the magical place I thought it would be with us spending time together like all the other families I see around us.

I can safely say that I don't always enjoy being with my children. I work full time and Mon-Fri are utterly wonderful. I love my job, I'm quite senior, I am respected and trusted and needed. At home it's the complete opposite. The children's tantrums and constant crying, clingyness and attention seeking really bring me down and I have a bout of depression every single weekend.

DH who was so supportive through our infertility years doesn't seem to care for me anymore and has stopped being my safety net. He just tries to deal with the kids as best he can and doesn't even step in to tell them off when I am being bombarded by them with questions and demands and he can see I am on the edge.

I am on 20mg of citalopram for a year now, did CBT but it wasn't much help. Should I go back to the GP to increase my dose?

I never thought that something that I wanted for so long could hurt me so much

He just tries to deal with the kids as best he can
It sounds like you are blessed with an OH who is hands on - there are lots of threads in AIBU and relationships about men who don't pull their weight with their children.

doesn't even step in to tell them off when I am being bombarded by them with questions and demands
Questions from 3 and 4 year-olds is hardly bad behaviour, so I don't see why he would need to step in and tell them off. Otoh, with the fighting and arguments, I think the issue is more your children's behaviour, OP. What sort of strategies do you have in place for behaviour?

I don't, I just would just not choose to spend time with my children which makes me an evil wicked witch.

DH can only handle one at a time, no way could he cope with both hence why we take turns to look after one each. Anything that involves being together as a family ends in an all out battle within the hour. The jealousy of the kids and constant arguing takes it out of us. We pray for Monday morning when we can get away from them.

I told you was a wicked witch😢

You sound like you don't want to be parent. Why can't you go out together buy you mind one dc and he mind the other?

The more of your posts I read the more I feel sorry for your dc tbh.

I work ft and have a very full-on dd2 who often takes me to the edge and there have been numerous times I've thought why did I go for dc2. But the age old saying they didn't ask to be born is so true. YOU made this happens so step up and stop making excuses.

Take some parenting classes if you need to but working 5 days a week and then contemplating childcare on the wekends is not going to help you build a relationship with your dc or help you parent them.

Family life is incredibly hard going. I loved DC1 but felt like I was just existing to get through the days with DC2. When I was a teenager I used to babysit for a woman who I think, looking back, had postnatal depression. I would babysit while she went to sleep or sometimes I would just potter around and help her do whatever she needed if she was up and about, I took my lead from her. Could a helpful teen at the weekends help? Someone who could be an extra pair of hands? Good luck, OP, being at work was certainly easier for me too.

If you are feeling like this week in, week out then you do need help, preferably before your dcs pick up on it too much. Different medication might help you not get rattled so much. If your relationship with your dh isn't going well that won't help you either.

Ok I'm kind of feeling sorry for your dc too now - like other posters.

I know you are hating your life but it is possible your kids aren't that happy either. They don't have a choice in this.

If I were you - and I mean this sincerely - I would ask for help from a good family therapist that I would pay.

Because you aren't happy. your children sound miserable. I have no idea what your dh is like because you haven't really talked about him in detail. But you are all miserable.

Get some help. This isn't the way family life is supposed to be. It can be better. Get some help to change it.

It's something I have looked into but DH has refused to do, he said that we just have to put up with typical toddler behaviour but he isn't taking my mental health into consideration and how utterly unhappy I am. There are good times with our kids but my stupid head doesn't allow me to remember them and I just ever think of the bad times.

Good luck lovers, it is brave of you to be honest about how you feel.

Maybe a bit of a routine at the weekend would help, like you or DH take them to the park for Saturday morning and the other gets a rest and then swap on Sunday? Sounds a bit boring but just so you both get a bot of time out. Or a swim class... Doing stuff like shopping online can help as well, so you don't; have to drag them shopping. Little practical things like that can help. and keeping things simple and low expectations. They will change and get older, it will get easier! Kind thoughts x

Hugs to you op I've cried all morning because I'm struggling so much with my toddler. She's 2 and I feel like she's never stopped screaming. (Unless you've had a baby with reflux, you'll never truly get it).
I found citalopram fucking useless. Go to docs for a meds review.
Kids are hard.

I don't think some of these responses are helpful and are quite ignorant of mental health issues. Op sounds as if her depression is pretty bad and needs additional help with it. I remember feeling like this off and on . It's really positive she can be honest about it so she can seek proper help and not feel like this horrible person which she is not. I reckon this is so common too.

Go back to your gp op and talk about a different ad and how family life is impactingnon your health.

Thank you [hugs]

Yes it's not helpful people need to think about things before posting things which could make OP feel worse..it is the MH section, not AIBU! Therefore would expect more support really.

Op, I do get it. I never realised how hard I'd find it and I only have one though he's like two.

He's off to school in sept and there's been a definite change in this last year. It does get easier. Oh yes, and I'm a teacher. Specialising in kids with behaviour issues

I have to work at home at wkends and have some health issues so we have to juggle that into the the mix. Dh works ridiculous hours. I find my days at home with ds quite tough. Our wkend strategy is to spend one day every weekend (if possible) at a nat trust property (we are lucky that there's several) with lots of play ground, walking, cake and coffee stops. The exercise and air and cake help all of us.

This is just icing though; I do feel you need more mh support some how, gp or cbt. Another idea for you could be to see if you can do a yoga class? If done regularly it does help you switch off and I find I can disassociate from the crap a bit more.

Regarding the kids: how to talk to little kids is a really good book (new younger version of how to talk so kids will listen) and the series also does a sibling book on strategies for helping them. It's a seriously good series but you'd need dh on board too. A strategy in it got me out of a howling stint in Sainsbury's recently.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/184812614X/ref=pdawwfbt144img3/261-9387825-2201667?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=T28TPK6D2ZQ8R83DTFFBB__
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https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1853406309/ref=pdd_awfbtt14imgg2?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=A6KZXCZEDENR06HA2ZCE

Hi Loverslane, I can totally get where you are coming from as I have two DCs who used to argue (sometimes it seemed constantly) when they were younger and at times it would send me right to the edge. I used to dread school holidays in particular, one summer break it seemed to rain non stop for about 3 to 4 weeks so we were stuck in the house with them arguing, I remember screaming and throwing some shoes out of my back door and across the garden just to vent some anger, god knows what the neighbours thought!

Anyhow I thought I would just pick up on one point you made and turn it around, just so you might see it a bit differently you said you loved your job...I'm quite senior, I am respected and trusted and needed. It got me thinking that actually you are all these things and more to your DCs, it's just that they can't tell you in the same way!

Can I ask you how much attention they get when they argue? I wonder if they are playing on that? Perhaps ask if anyone has any tips on managing arguing in young DCs, and if you are giving too much attention to it, pull back. I can understand why you take one out but I don't think this should be the only answer and you need to try to find some new tactics of getting them to 'play' together as long as they're not killing each other shut your ears and let them get on with it. Good luck, I really do know how tough it is and wish I had a better answer for you.

Thank you. Miserable weekend again. We planned to go out together to our local park which is very near the house. DS threw an enormous tantrum on our way out because his ruck sack got a twisted strap and he wouldn't let us help him. Cue screaming, lashing out, kicking and general destruction of everything in his wake. I had to stay in the house with him all morning on a lovely day because he refused to leave even when he calmed down. Basically if something is suggested by anyone other than him and the people he wants to go out with then he will not do it. I'm so bored and resent my child for making me miserable. His tantrums are beyond extreme, he has to have control and power at all times. Any time out for misbehaviour etc just bounces off him. He likes staying in with no tv, no attention, and toys taken away. If he knows he has messed up your day he seems to enjoy it 😕😕

Forcryingoutloud I normally have to give them a lot of attention when they argue because they are very physical with each other. They literally come to blows sometimes and they know that if they hit they will get a reaction from us. We cannot ignore as one of them will get hurt.

Hi
I have sympathy with you. There's so much pressure to be over the moon at motherhood 24/7 if you've had IVF.
Try (CBT-style) to be a bit rational in your assessment of your situation. You're knackered at weekends. DC are clamouring for your attention as they've not had it all week. No wonder you feel stressed, grumpy, overwhelmed.

I also had two in close proximity via IVF and gave up a career I adored which led to a lot of distress, and I had severe PND. But here's some things I did that really helped me. Life changing stuff for us which I hope will work for you.

When they are demanding, turn the tables. Love bomb them. Keep demanding their attention, asking them questions etc. Don;t let them out of your sight. Follow them around. All for about 20 mins. They might suck it up at first but after a while they get bored. They realise you're there and trot off to do something else.
Try Positive Parenting techniques. Whether or not you believe parenting skills can be learned form books - this stuff is clever, and it's stress free. Make two cosy areas in two different rooms - cushions, blankets, cuddly toys, books, a drink. If they squabble, separate them and say with lots of sympathy: Oh you seem sad. Have a cosy snuggle until you feel better. Then tuck them in and tell them they can each get out of the cosy corner as soon as they feel happy and soothed and able to play nicely. That way there's no tantrumming and sulking about being punished, and best of all they learn to self-soothe and calm themselves down. In our house tantrums evaporated overnight and we went from being stressy screamers to one of the calmest families I know.

Separate the weekend into four hour chunks. One chunk on Friday night, four chunks on Saturday, four chunks on Sunday. That gives you nine blocks of time. Divide them up so that each adult gets a one chunk of time all to themselves, to lie in or go shopping or to the gym or to watch a match. During this time, the other adult has sole charge of the DC, and promises not to let them interrupt you. If they try, the adult in charge takes them out to the park so the other one gets peace. Then one chunk for household stuff which you all do together. Get DC involved in shopping, dusting, laundry sorting etc. Put on cheerful music. Get it done as a team. One chunk of time you get a baby sitter and both adults have time off together. (Usually Friday or saturday night) Then two chunks spending time together as a family doing fun stuff. Block them together for a planned day out or half a day each day of the weekend for park/Disney film/city farm etc.
One chunk of time each day for daily stuff that needs doing - the usual cooking, eating, bath routines etc, and that leaves one chunk over for shit that always happens at some point.

DH and I really worked hard at this one. The best thing about it was that we both knew we had a non-negotiable four hours to ourselves each weekend, pre agreed. It could be a night out with friends or a morning in bed, or shopping without trailing buggies and whinging DC. And we also knew we'd have a night out together each weekend. We also knew we'd work hard together as a family to do the boring stuff: clean the bathroom, make the beds. Getting DC involved made it fun for them. And they got their attention and time out too. I can't remember when we stopped needing to do it, but when DC were small it really changed weekends from grim, resentful, exhausted battles to well organised and planned fun times as a family.

I have said horrible things like wanting to give up one or both for adoption because they ruin everything and I just cannot handle them

It's not that you can't handle them. It's that you aren't currently handling them well. That's stressful for everyone, including your children. It's a cliche (because it's true) that children play up when they're worried they're not wanted or that they might get neglected. It's biological. They need to be noticed to stay alive.
If you shower them with attention before they play up, it might work. Lie down on the floor with them, sing silly songs with them, play silly games with them. It might feel artificial at first and you might not get the response you want at first as they'll test your behaviour, but it beats sorting out fights and tantrums, and long term, you start to feel capable, loved and loving. You start to enjoy family life. It's here to stay. You're not going to give them up for adoption. You're going to learn new ways to parent that suit you all better. You sound perfectly capable of doing that.

I understand OP, of course you don't want them hurting each other....

Just wondering, how do they behave for other people (sorry if I missed any previous info on the thread) eg babysitters? And when you say His tantrums are beyond extreme have you looked at getting a professional opinion? I presume you have spoken to your GP about it as you are on medication but have you asked for an apt for your DC/s? Perhaps this needs a paediatrician's input incase it's more than normal childhood tantrums? At the moment all I see is your DC having control of your life and I really want you to get it back and have some enjoyment, whether this means coping strategies to ignore the hysterics (eg we are going to the park whether you have a twisted rucksack strap or not)or someone medical investigating these fits I don't know but it seems to me you need some professional input/help. I really feel for you and the pressure you are under.

I went on a parenting course and it said about having good boundaries, and focusing on attention when they are being good rather than bad behaviour, as children want attention however they may get it. Maybe that might help, just being really firm such as time out for fighting, and more attention at other times?

I wondered if you could go camping at weekends. I know this might be too busy for you because you need to probably catch up with things at weekends; but the only way I survived this stage was to go off on an adventure at weekends.

You see when you are at a camping and caravanning campsite; they are set up for families with young children. There is usually a play park where all the kids get together and amuse each other, and you get to see other families doing family stuff and also arguing over putting up tent and other people's toddlers tantrumming!,including your own.It was great our children just having that safe space to run around and let off steam. It brought me and husband closer, because there were less distractions , and kids seemed happier.

It can be hard work organising it, especially as you say you have work to catch up with on weekends, but you might be able to look forward to a few weekends away.

I would struggle with trying to leave the house with mine; but it seemed more exciting when we were off camping, I wish we could do more of it now, but my kids are teens, as I really miss it and I know it helped us come together as a family.

I'm wondering now perhaps if your son is also very very tired. When my youngest was a toddler, she could only cope with morning nursery and even though I would try and see if she was interested in outings in the afternoon, she would just want to chill and watch tv until her sisters were picked up. I don't think she would have coped with all day nursery then out on weekends as well.

I was lucky I could stay in with her to chill on weekday afternoons. Some kids are just more home people, even though that's hard if you like taking them out. Please think about the camping though if you think it would give your family some downtime.

Sorry tried to send message earlier but didn't send; I just hope you're ok, and I think you seem like the kind of mum who will be great at guiding your kids when they are teens, so I know it's hard now, but it will get easier, toddlers can be far scarier than teens!