Feel guilty because of PND

[lovethebluebells]

I have two DCs, the youngest is 5. I'm nearly 40 and keep having thoughts about wanting another baby. I think part of this is my clock ticking but another part is feeling that I missed out on the baby years with my youngest because of PND and I want to have another go at it.

There is no way we can afford a third child, but I just wish I didn't feel guilty because of the PND. DC2 was a lovely, content baby and I feel quite sad that I didn't appreciate this at the time. It was only when she was 6 months old or so that I got help. I'd had a bereavement during the pregnancy and I thought my feelings were down to that, but it wasn't just that in the end.

I tried two kinds of ADs with bad side effects. I was very anxious about trying any other drugs so did without and with a combination of CBT and a mindfulness course, I got back to normal again. DH reassures me that my babies didn't want for anything, they were really happy but I just don't like the feeling that I have missed out.

I love my two DCs to bits now, but when I think back on the baby times with both of them, there are some parts I can't remember. DC1 was a demanding baby, seemed to hardly sleep and had colic, and I wonder if I had some form of mild PND with him as well.

I think what I'm wondering is, has anybody else felt like this after experiences with PND? I am a bit of a worrier and always have been, even before the PND, maybe it's just my anxiety making me feel more guilty than I should be.

Bumping for you. I've no experience of PND, but what I do know is that it wasn't your fault, so you have nothing to feel guilty for. I understand it must be hard to feel like you missed out though.

Hi Lovethebluebells.
It's five years since you posted your story - but I found it when I did a search this evening because it's almost my son's 17th birthday and though it's a joyful occasion, it also coincides with the anniversary of the onset of my PND. As a consequence, I can be a bit sad in the month or so around this date. I googled "missing out on the baby years" and your post came up. Thank you so much!
As with you, my DH (and dear psychiatrist/psychotherapist) reassured me that our little one got all he needed and was very loved and cared for etc by me as well as DH.. I would sing to him a lot, especially on days when it was harder to smile. On days where I couldn't smile I made sure there we'd have time with a friend or family member who could give him the smiles I couldn't. I did/do of course love him very much and I did enjoy his baby and toddler years, and videos remind me that I did. But I also felt quite detached from him a lot. Often life in those first few years felt like I was looking through a slightly smudged window - I was there, but not quite...

About 14 years ago a friend had a second baby. I was working very part-time and a few months later I started dropping by regularly for a walk and/or coffee and chat. My friend told me that outside of their immediate family and his grandmother, I was the only other person who he was comfortable being held and cuddled by (in his first year). Lukie and I developed a lovely relationship - hugs and kisses were mutually enjoyed. I would hear his feet running when I rang the doorbell and he knew it was me, and arms would go out and we'd do our "muchos bessos" little game of covering each other with kisses. I learned a little Spanish with him (his mother's Latin American) but he soon got way beyond my learning. Lukie became an opportunity for me to enjoy fully what I had been unable to with my own son. Some years ago, however, my friend moved to a very distant state and I only occasionally get to visit.

So my time with little Lukie did help heal - but it didn't take that feeling of emotionally have missed out on those baby years... And I still remember those early days being continuously anxious about finding the next activity or outing (with another/others) so that I wouldn't have to face a possibility that I might not know what to do with him (keep him occupied, happy, content etc etc) beyond the obvious things that needed to be done. Filling the hours until my DH was home from work, in the earliest years, was a nightmare. I was terrified of being left alone with my baby for more than an hour because if he needed something from me I couldn't give, there was no-one else there to help. To quote a poem: "Some men [or mums!] live lives of quite desperation." Going back to work (part-time) did help, but not entirely. 4 years later I was diagnosed with Bipolar ii - and that was what the PND had been part of (they didn't recognise that the perinatal period could often be a time when a mental illness becomes fully manifest). Now doctors recognise that the perinatal period is generally the most mentally vulnerable time of a woman's life..

So Lovethebluebells, I can relate very much (tho' we couldn't face having any more babies after the PND) and maybe sharing it with others like this, or going back to look at the baby photos to remember some of the joy one did feel, can help at least. :)
Thank you again!