Everything just keeps going wrong. Lost belief in myself

[Orlantina]

So many life chances. So many opportunities. But I never settled. University, training in a medical field but never felt confident. Too much time travelling, agency working and trying to find myself. Career change but struggled in that. Working around self employment and bringing up a teenager with my ex. Self employment going downhill.

It just seems that I have a knack for fucking things up. Not feeling confident, not being good at my job and that I should be better.

A massive part of me is self confidence. I am so scared of making a mistake. Letting others down. I just look at my CV which is a mess and just wonder how everyone else does it.

It's just constant, constant. I can't afford to retrain. Self employment was going fine but then things just went down hill and it's massively affected my confidence.

I just want a bit of security. I'm really worried because I'm in my 40s. I feel a real failure and forgotten about. I've got no one in my life apart from DS.

Hi Orlantina, I'm not great on advice but I didn't want to just read your post and leave.

When I read I thought you have had an interesting past, lots of life experiences and your travelling is you living your life and doing something different.
It's hard to not have regrets but you have done lots and although you have changed careers etc you have got on and done stuff.
You are no way a failure. You have expectations of getting on and you will. Take care.

Thanks

It's just so hard. I just hate explaining my life. I am trying to get on but from a mental health POV, I look at a job and think I can't do it based on my past skills. But the worst thing is, I had it. I had such a chance given to me and I just think it's the way I am that made me not take it.

I seem to be wired not to think too much and just do stuff without thinking through all the consequences. I worry myself.

I'm just having a moment. I feel like I'm letting DS down and he deserves more than I can give him. He keeps telling me to 'get a better job'. It's so hard.

I hear you. I am feeling this too at the moment, I wish I could go back and slap myself but it's too late and now this car crash is my life and my cv. It is gut wrenching and I'm not working at the moment as I have recently reverted to type and my head is not a pretty space right now. Take care.