Do I have OCD?

[kobothepp]

I'm really not sure if I have some sort of disorder or if this is just a normal obsessiveness type thing, but I absolutely can not relax unless my apartment is super tidy and clean and every single thing is in it's place. Even my storage cupboards have to be extremely neat and for example if I stack books, I'll stack them in size order and spend ages finding a position for them that takes up the least amount of room possible.

I'll chuck away literally anything that bothers me and once I decide I don't want something it has to go immediately. E.g. I had a new mattress come, my OH said that he would take my old one to the dump for me later that evening, but having the old one take up room and look messy was annoying me so much that I cut it up into small pieces with a bread knife and put it in the communal bins in my apartment block doing about 5 trips

If I'm at work I'll sit at my desk and feel stressed that I have my sister's stuff at my place (while she moves into a new place) and it's taking up room and I visualise chucking all her things away!

Writing it down it feels really clear-cut that I do have OCD but in real life it doesn't feel as bad as it sounds. I also have really bad anxiety so I'm not sure if it could be linked to that? I feel like I absolutely can't be happy until I have nothing but the absolute bare minimum. Is anyone else like this?

I was always told OCD is diagnosed according to the level of distress the sufferer experiences. It's normal behaviours, done repetitively and/or taken to the extreme. If the behaviours cant be completed extreme distress is caused. Often accompanied by catastrophe thinking - if I don't do this thing my family will die, for example. Does any of that ring a bell for you?

That makes sense. It does cause me a lot of stress, although I wouldn't say distress if that makes sense. For example I say in my head and to others all the time "I'll finally be happy when I've got rid of X' or 'I'll be so much happier when I've got rid of everything/the apartment is how I want it to be again'. A stupid thing that I'm thinking of right now is how many towels I have and that I don't have enough space for all of them

I do catastrophize but not when it comes to chores. I don't think 'I need to clean or OH will get into an accident because of that', but I do have extreme anxiety about something happening to him or that if I do something silly, such as change my phone's wallpaper from a pic of him to a pic of my dog, I may have jinxed something and something could happen as a result of that

OK so for me, if one of the areas I have OCD about gets changed, I get the shakes, have a panic attack, start to think oh my gosh who has done this, do they hate me, then I start on there must be an intruder in the house, I start to hear noises, I have to check every room repeatedly for an invader. Once I've checked every room I have to go back round looking in cupboards / wardrobes etc. The checking is repeated in smaller and smaller spaces to the point where it's laughable as no intruder could fit there. Checking all these spaces over and over takes hours and that's basically my entire day buggered. Not to mention then not being able to get to sleep, and nightmares when I finally do.... it takes me about 3 days to get back to normal.

At least it did prior to therapy.

That's what I mean by castastrophic thinking and extreme behaviours.

I think you have to work on accepting that things aren't always perfect, and there's no point in trying to make them so. Cutting up a mattress in small pieces just to get it out a few hours early - clearly this is not helping you in any way. I think you should see a doctor and ask to have therapy to work on this issue. Meanwhile stack your books in a haphazard order and force yourself to meet the stress from this until it abates. Throw a couple of clothes somewhere and force yourself to stand it. It can be nice to have it tidy, but not if it's a compulsion. You should also work on that magical thinking of yours, it does not matter in any way whichever 'wallpaper' you have on your phone. I think you would benefit to work this over with a therapist, don't think it's something you necessarily can manage on your own though. If you give in it'll only get worse and worse. I saw someone on TV who could not stand touching things in the supermarket and had to rip off five or ten plastic bags in order to get to one that hadn't possibly been touched by another human being or she got into a panic or hyperventilated. She also had to constantly wash her hands, afraid to catch any germs or bacteria. If you don't fight it, you might end up like these people, and it's a severe handicap.

I can relate. When I'm stressed I get a huge urge to throw things away. It is a huge weight on me and I equate mess with chaos so I feel a release if I get rid of stuff. I think it partly comes back to growing up in a house that was always messy so now as an adult with children of my own I'm in the situation of being able to control the mess through cleaning, but then not being able to because I live with children and the mess is endless. It seriously stresses me out and I just want to run around the house and find things to get rid of. I don't think it is a disorder as such but an emotional trigger. For me anyway.

Sounds like you have some OCD type traits but not the full-on disorder. The lack of real distress is a factor. It doesn't sound as though these behaviours are something you really want to stop. Some people just have a real need to be neat and tidy, and don't believe that any real harm will arise if they fail to be so. Do you have rituals you have to do if you think you've jinxed your other half?

Hang on fifty whilst I agree with the therapy advice, saying things like 'you might end up like these people' is really hurtful. Please don't talk about me and others with OCD like that.

I am one of 'those people'

Some of the things that meant I was given a diagnosis of OCD were that I don't feel that my behaviours are a choice - I can't just not do them, it's not because it's a good idea and it makes me feel good to do them, more that I feel trapped by them and can't escape them. I have graphic, horrifying intrusive thoughts and constantly worry that they are true. Therapy is helping me learn to sit with that anxious feeling and learn that I can cope and I can control the thoughts. My therapist is helping me identify some of my 'OCD beliefs' - intolerance of uncertainty, perfectionism, thought-action fusion, the aforementioned magical thinking... there are others, I can't remember all offhand it's early days :) anyway, if you are in the UK, you can self refer to IAPT and they will do an assessment to see if CBT may help you, you don't need a specific diagnosis for that. I think a GP can diagnose OCD although I didn't get that diagnosis until the GP referred me to Psych Assessment. I also have a mood disorder and need to take medication to be stable enough/deal with anxiety well enough to 'do' therapy..... my therapist also thinks I might warrant a diagnosis of co-morbid GAD as well - but diagnoses don't really matter, we are all individuals, we are not our illnesses, mental or physical. For me the diagnosis has just given me a little clarity about where I should be looking for information, support and treatment.

It all depends on whether you want to change anything - if your thoughts and behaviours aren't impacting negatively on your life - or those around you - then don't feel pressure to change just to fit in to some kind of normal , just embrace who you are. I expect I will always retain 'OCD traits' - I see them as more aspects of my personality - but hopefully one day I will just be able float around a neat tidy space without constantly re-ordering and checking it, I'll just be able to enjoy it!