About to walk out of work

[LiquoriceWheel]

Please can someone help. This will be long but I don't want to drop feed.

My depression has been relentless and crushing since the start of the year. I've been on several medications and my new dr thinks I have been misdiagnosed. I have been referred to a psychiatrist.
In the meantime I am barely holding things together and it is affecting my work very badly. I can't sleep at night so I mix sleeping pills and alcohol on week nights. I'm late constantly. I don't shower in the mornings ( like I used to) I wear crumpled shirts and trousers with holes in them (sometimes fished from the dirty laundry pile). I look like shit everyday tbh but I'm too exhausted to care.

I have been given so many extra tasks at work because Im too scared to say no. This means a lot of extra pressure and tbh I'm crap at organisation and I'm always being reprimanded because the work is too much for me and I'm always losing things like files and stuff.
I'm about to get a formal letter about all of this. Is there anyway for me to save myself? How do I explain about having depression? I don't know what to do. A coworker told me once that she thought antidepressants were rubbish and suicide was for cowards (when she knew my sister had taken her own life years ago). This attitude scares me from explaining my problem.

Anyone have any advice? Thanks anyway

If you are going to be getting in trouble I think the best way is to talk to either your manager or HR in confidence. Explain you are getting treated but there is some problem getting the medication correct. It would be better to ask for a reduced workload than struggle on and risk getting the sack.

I also think you should go back to the GP and explain all this to them including that you are using alcohol to get to sleep and the problems you are having at work.

thanks tinsel I would never have thought of saying any of that. I'll try HR and see if I can speak to someone else. I'll go back to my GP as well, I think I've pretended I was a lot better when I'm not.

tinsel I have thought about suicide at work (on the premises). Is that something I should bring up with HR? I'm not trying to be a drama llama or anything like that but I have truly and honestly thought about it. I've even 'chosen' a spot in the past. I'm ok now and I couldn't do it now. I haven't even told my GP. Ok, I'll add that to the list.

Please don't worry anyone reading. I'm going to try and get better. Thank goodness for mumsnet.

Alcohol is a major depressant, even more than lack of sleep, so thats worth addressing.

Speak to someone, you're struggling and you can get better. See a GP as soon as you can and get a fit note for work. If you're not able to do your job at the minute it doesn't mean to say you won't get better and be back. You need time to get well. If you're having suicidal thoughts bring it up with your GP. Wishing you a speedy recovery op

Hope you managed to get through the day. Did you speak to anyone? If not and you are still feeling bad. maybe it would be worth going off sick, talking to the GP as soon as possible and getting signed off if they think that is the right thing to do.
You should definitely talk to your GP about those suicidal feelings. Also if you are feeling bad in the meantime before you can see the GP call the Samaritans to get some support www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

I spoke to my manager and his response was basically 'thank you for letting me know but it doesn't change anything'. I'm seeing my GP later today. I was in so much anguish and strife yesterday but now I feel like a numb, hollow eggshell. Thanks for all your kind replies but I think there's no hope for my job. I want to find a different job but I can't envision the future at the moment and my heart isn't in it.

I'll plop over to Style&Beauty. Hopefully someone is having a summer sandal crisis and that will take my mind off my life for a bit

Sorry to see you are going through this.
I have to confess, I did this Friday. Just didn't turn up and emailed my notice effective immediately. I have probably fucked up any chance of a reference but it was that or have a complete breakdown.
for you and I hope you can work out a plan with your doctor. I'm going to make an appointment with mine too.

Can your gp sign you off for a while?

I would second the advice to get your GP signed off. At least then you'll get paid statutory sick pay and if it becomes long term (I think after 26 weeks) you may be entitled to ESA. I'm sorry work aren't being very supportive towards you.

CarbonMint thanks for sharing, I wish we didn't have to be in this situation and I'm truly sorry for what you are going through. MissEliza I wish for that so much but I wouldn't even know how to broach the topic.

Do not resign, get signed off. You don't even need to talk to work, just mail them your 'Fit Note'. They should then engage you via occupational health.

I've had to do that in a previous job, luckily I had company sick pay, but even SSP will help you out.

You can't carry on like this, your boss is an idiot. Getting signed off will give you more employment rights, not less assuming you're a permanent employee?

I've been where you are, and I made it back. It was a long haul but it was worth it. I'm bipolar fwiw, and have been on the diagnosis Merry-go-Round.

Please tell your GP everything, you need a break and GPs are usually pretty good with this kind of thing, especially considering you're already on ADs and still working. If you feel you can't talk it out with the GP write it down

I'm a self employed contractor so I don't get SSP. But OP, please go down the sick route if you are able. You will have rights and as a PP said it will make it easier for you to get ESA if you can't go back to work.

Go to the doctor and get signed off. You're not well enough to work. Certainly you shouldn't tell your employer you're thinking of committing suicide at work. Just the fact you've identified a spot to do it means you need to get away from work immediately.

Being signed off will allow you to recover and to heal and to look for another job when you're better. You won't get better while you're working in that job.

Will you get sick pay?

Simply tell your GP that you are so depressed you are planning suicide - that will prompt immediate action.

Please bring it up with your gp. I had a lot of stress at work a couple of years ago. I was getting only a couple of hours sleep at night. One day I realised I wasn't in a fit state to even drive to work and I went to the gp for sleeping tablets. I ended up in tears in her office and she was super sympathetic. She actually suggested signing me off. At first I was horrified as I felt it was a sign of weakness. However it gave me a bit of time to recuperate. The day before I had signed off sick, I'd asked my boss to let me go back to the working arrangements I'd actually agreed to when I was offered the job, although I ended up doing double the hours. She said that was impossible. After I got signed off they somehow made it happen. You sound like you need to get away from that environment fur a while.

Hello again everyone. I'm just letting you know that I decided to resign. I considered each piece of advice and tried a lot of what was suggested here but I think leaving is for the best (for me) .