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Think I'm having a mid-life crisis - please talk to me !

18 replies

TaraPT · 12/03/2007 13:59

Sorry to moan - I am a very regular mnetter but have just changed my name for this - because I suspect dh has been reading my posts !! This could be a bit of an epic - apologies !

I haven't really got anyone to talk to in RL - have three bfs (none local)and each of them is tied up in their own little dramas at the moment ! DH isn't the chatty type and is a lot of my problem - and I really really do not get on with my mother !

OK - so what's up ?

Well - I work full-time in a job that is both very stressful and very badly paid. I feel undervalued and I can't see how it is going to get any better either - it is dead men's shoes and no-one is looking like dying ! I also have two hours of driving every day to get to and from work - which means I am late for everything and always rushing etc.

DH and I have been married for 13 yrs - together for 19 yrs. I suspect I shouldn't have married him really as there was never any great passion there - I was on the rebound from my first true love - and met dh at uni and he seemed like a thoroughly decent nice person - and I thought he would make a very nice life partner. He is a very nice man, everyone says so.

Our love life has always been low key - we were both virgins when we met - and not very adventurous. We have a 6 yr old and conceiving her took 2 yrs - possibly mainly because we very rarely had sex - even though we were TTC !! Ended up charting temps and often dh would say he was too tired at the right time - so many months went by without a chance. I did threaten to leave him at this point as I really really wanted to have a child. Eventually I conceived and he basically didn't come near me near the whole pregnancy. After I gave birth I was initially relieved that he didn't hassle me for sex, but months turned to years and we did not have sex for almost 6.5 yrs. I tried to talk about it - but he will not talk about stuff like that.

We have since had sex twice - both in hotels when dc has not been with us. Both times instigated by him in a rather formal manner ie. "I would like to make love to you now!". There is no cuddling or kissing - just straight down to the nitty-gritty.

He has become very selfish and lazy around the house and with helping with dc lately.

This week he was going to be away on a jolly with work - all week in Mauritius. He didn't even discuss it with me - he just told me he was going ! At the time I didn't say anything - but two weeks ago I literally exploded and had a real scremaing fit at him ! I told him he was selfish and childish and that he was expecting me to do way too much and work full time and that I just couldn't do it anymore ! I told him that if he wanted the life of a single man he could have it ! Unbeknown to me he has cancelled the trip ! I only found out when I said to him yesterday "shouldn't you be packing?" - he said "I'm not going now" and walked out of the room !

I'm not sure what I am asking really !

Half the time I think I should just leave him - but he is a lovely Daddy and dc adores him. I just don't think I could do that to them both. I think maybe I'm the problem, maybe I should go - but where would I go ?

I am such a physical wreck - my eye is twitching, I am spotty and about 2 stone overweight as I am comfort eating - all my clothes are crap, I am grouchy with dc, not doing my job properly !

Oh and to top it all we are mid process in movng house - bigger mortgage again etc..

And I am forty next month and would sort of like to have another baby - but god - what a wrong circumstance to bring another baby into the world on !

I just want someone to come along and wrap me up in a big cuddle, pat me and say it will all be OK ! But that's not going to happen so I am asking you all - what should I do ??

Sorry about the length of this btw !

OP posts:
Hassled · 12/03/2007 14:11

Poor, poor you - what a nightmare. I can't really come up with anything constructive except - have you thought about something like Relate? Would your DH agree to go? Even if he doesn't, you can go on your own. I've used them in the past - they're very good.
Rereading your post - at no point do you say you love him. Have you thought about this? The cancellation of the trip is a good sign, I'd say - despite the lack of communication he is obviously listening to you (backed up by possibly reading your MN posts)and your views obviously matter at some level to him. And rereading again it occurred to me that if I was a working mother commuting 2 hours a day for work I'd be a gibbering lunatic by now - is there any way of reducing stress levels by getting a job that's closer to home and/or more rewarding? You need to work on ways to reduce your levels of stress or you'll go pop.

ScottishThistle · 12/03/2007 14:17

Can you find another job with less commuting/work part time/not work at all?

Have you sat down & spoken calmly about how you feel with your dh?

Do you love him & want to spend the rest of your life with him?

I wouldn't bring another child into a situation like this as it may be the straw that breaks the camels back!

TaraPT · 12/03/2007 14:17

Thanks for answering - I do seriosuly feel on the verge of going pop and I am normally a very "in control" person.

I don't think he'd do Relate - he is so private and would ahte the intusion. I have often thought about getting some conselling for myself though - juts don't know where to start.

I don't honestly know if i do love him ! I did when we first met - was head over heels, but as I said was also on rebound. I do like him very very much - he is a thoroughly decent nice man, everyone likes him really. But tha's liking. We have a lot of shared history - and of course a child now - and he occassionally sometimes makes me laugh.

I know sex isn't everything - which is why I haven't done anything about this problem so far, but then I think I'm 40 - I'm not over the hill and what have I got to look forward to ?

I have thought that I should look for a local job - the trouble is that although my current job isn't well paid it is quite a high status job - and I like that aspect of it. I did look locally a while ago and couldn't see anything equal -and it is very very flexible too.

In a way I aslo think - "why should it be my career that is compromised ?" IO know plenty of senior women who have husbands that actually help with running the house and with childcare - so why should I compromise when it's him who's at fault ?

I think counselling might help me as I have lot of resentment at the moment !

OP posts:
ScottishThistle · 12/03/2007 14:20

Is there a reason why your dh has stopped helping?...Is he ok, perhaps he's stressed/feeling down too?

TaraPT · 12/03/2007 14:25

Don't think so - think he is just comfy and wants someone running round after him !! Have told him I am not his mother though !

OP posts:
TaraPT · 12/03/2007 14:26

BTW he has never helped much - just that since I went back to work I have really really felt how little he does do !

OP posts:
TaraPT · 12/03/2007 14:40

help !

OP posts:
mrsgenehunt · 12/03/2007 14:49

i went a bit peculair aporoaching 40 now i think "what the hell" do something anything new. doesnt have to be much

mrsgenehunt · 12/03/2007 14:50

sorry, didnt really read your op. just the bit at the end about being 40.

ScottishThistle · 12/03/2007 14:51

If he's never helped much I guess it's difficult to re-train a man already very set in his ways!

Sounds like you need to have a very long chat with him about how you feel & what you think would help.

emmatomATO · 12/03/2007 14:53

I don't think you should give up your work. You said you enjoyed the status of it - so I reckon that could knock you down even more if you give it up.

I also wouldn't think about another baby just yet.

You need to start telling yourself what a good person you are. Have faith in the things you are good at and reward yourself by being kind to yourself and not comfort eating. You're only hurting yourself by doing that and you don't deserve that.

So dh isn't the chatty type? Could you write him a long letter similar to your OP, calmly stating how you are feeling and what you need from him.

Remember that men are so different from us. We can pick up on subtle clues - they need to be told exactly what we need and want them to do, preferably with instructions attached! And add that if he doesn't come forth with his fair share of household help then you will have no option but to do this that or the other, whether that be leaving everything for him to clear up as you're looking after your child, or him paying for help at home for example.

Let him know how you feel about the sex side as well. Make him know that you need to feel loved by hugs and gestures etc. Again, most chaps need this put in black and white.

Also, turning 40 will be brill. Feel fortunate that you've reached it. Life will get easier (you may not be thinking this just at this moment).

And lastly, things will eventually get better. Nothing stays the same for ever. Fate or circumstances step in and you could be in a completely different situation down the line. So please accept a virtual hug.

Jaynerae · 12/03/2007 14:55

My DH and I went through something similar about six months ago. He started a new job 12 months ago and is on shifts - so worked halkf the week and was at home the other half. He did absolutely nothing whilst at home - was supposed to be looking after DD3 - but I frequantly came home and found him asleep with her on his lap watching TV. I let this go on for about 8 months and I built up so much resentment towards him - but I never said anything to him - I actually took it out on the DC's, particularly DD - shouting all the time at her. I got to the point where my relationship with DD was in tatters and I was so sad and upset about that. He goes out socialy one day a week all day and one night a week - not drinking - other social events. I never do anything on my own because of his work pattern and I also feel guilty as I work FT and feel every spare minute should be spent with the DC's.

He phoned up from work one day to say he was going out that night - as planned but it would be for an extra hour. I didn't say much on the phone but he could tell I was not happy - I ended up in tears - he asked what was wrong I said DD had been really Naughty (yet again I blamed her). I put the phone down and though I can't take anymore - so I got a note pad and poured it all out and left the letter on the worktop for when he got home. He read it whilst I was putting the Dc's to bed and then came up to say good night to them. We went back downstairs and I said 'well' - he said I know I don't help you, I said - do you love me - he said I don't know - I think we should split up! I was utterly stunned. I sought councelling - the councellor thought he was having a mid life crisis. I also realised that I had been so sad and miserable for so long - that he wouldn't want to come home to me and spend time with me. So I picked my self up - we agreed to try again and I made a huge effort. I started cooking for him again, running him a bath for when he got home (I had done nothing for him for so long because I didn't want to as he did nothing for anyone.) After a week he said things had got better and he would stay! Better for him - not me - he hadn't done anything to try and make an effort. Something else happened and I said to him - I am trying so hard here and you are not making a single effort to change. I said I would try for so long but would not continue to let myself be hurt and continue being unloved. I think this hit home as it was the turning point. I am exceedingly strong and would cope without him (I had been doing anyway) and I think he realised that this would eventually happen as I had put up with enough. That was 6 months ago - things are good - not perfect - I have to still ask for him to do stuff - but reading threads on here I think most men are the same. He now appreciates the time he has out and realises I make sacrifices for him to be able to do them. He is more considerate towards me and a lot more loving. As I say things are not how I would want them to be in a perfect world - but then you can't have everything and he is a good Dad and works hard, he doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't gamble, he doesn't hit us, so on the whole I count my chickens. I am a lot less stressed and DD and I get on so much better because my stress has reduced and through the counselling I can see so much more.

Sorry this is long - but this experience made me stand back a look at my life and how we where affecting each other and the DC's. DS said he wish DD had not been born as we where happy before she came along, that made me so sad. She was jsut 3 when all this blew up. It was not her fault and I still feel so guilty. DH refused to go to relate - so I did seek counselling on my own and it did help me so much to help us as a family - please bite the bullet and do it.

I think your stress re your job is not helping either - please please consider changing it - status is not as important as your family. Marriages have to be worked at - please don't give up for your DC's sake. Our mistake was not communicating - I expected DH to read my mind. Please seek some counselling.
I hope all goes well, let us know how you get on.

With love and hugs
Jaynerae.

mrsgenehunt · 12/03/2007 14:58

good one jayne, know where you are coming from. it is easy to build up resentment and then wonder why your marriage is going down hill.

TaraPT · 12/03/2007 15:07

Thank you for those words - they do help, they really do.

I do feel that I am being a cow to him as I am so resentful, and I agree that they do need things spelling out to them. Maybe I should write a letter - it's scarey though coz at the moment he has no idea how close I am to leaving him. If I write it down - it will be OUT THERE !!

Am going to go home early as feeling so crap - will think about it on the way and check back in later !

I really feel like going tht edocs and getting signed off - which I have never ever felt like in all my life ! I just can't do this anymoer !

OP posts:
ScottishThistle · 12/03/2007 15:11

If you feel that bad I suggest you do go to the Dr & get signed off for a few days, there are more important things than work!

mrsgenehunt · 12/03/2007 15:17

have you made plans for your 40th?

Boco · 12/03/2007 16:23

Poor you that sounds really hard. I do think it'd be a good idea to take some time off and try to focus on what you want to do next. Sounds like you're reaching 'no going back' point.

Does the lack of sex bother you? You say you've only slept together twice in 6.5 years, and both times instigated by him, and just sex no intimacy. Do you never feel like instigating it? Do you feel physically attracted to him? Do you feel attracted to other people. I know sex isn't everything, but intimacy is really important, even if its just cuddling and kissing, and it really made me sad when you said you wanted someone to wrap you up and give you a big cuddle - sounds like that's exactly what you need. ((((())))) small cyber one for now.

I do think it's worth communicating this to him as it's not going to go away, and writing it down is good because you can try and explain things clearly without getting sidetracked or put off. If you think Relate might work then maybe he'd agree if he realised how serious the situation is and how close your relationship could be to breaking up. Sounds like his bottled up way of dealing with things is part of the problem and it is possible for him to work on this if he really wants to. You really do deserve that.

If you're also feeling low and unattractive, during you time off, go and pamper yourself, get your hair done and buy something lovely or have a facial and get some new makeup. If you feel better about yourself you'll find it easier to tackle things and make some decisions.

Good luck

TaraPT · 12/03/2007 17:10

Hi again,

Thanks for the virtual hug - I needed that !

As for my 40th - well - he said he was organising it - but I am so low down his list of priorities that he has been "too busy" and birthday is in about 3 weeks - so it isn't going to happen is it ?

Amusingly I ahve just got home and he has had a letter from his top top boss congratulating him on a top performance and thanking him for his marvellous work this year !

I snorted loudly I'm afraid ! They obviously get the best of him whilst I get the crappy arse end !

Think I have decided on a course of action - I will try and sort my self outr health and weight wise - and investoigate possibilities of getting a more local job - and get myself more of a life going ! Then if I'm a bit happier in myself I will tackle him !

Oh - to answer the sex question - at the moment I don't even like him so I can't fancy him - it's not something I can separate really. If I feel like he is treating me like shit then I can't possibly fancy him ! The sex wasn't fantastic when it happened anyway - my little rabbit is much more satisfying !

Anyway - he's back so I've got to go and lok busy !

Thanks for all your thoughts ! Keep them coming plesae!!

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