Sorry to moan - I am a very regular mnetter but have just changed my name for this - because I suspect dh has been reading my posts !! This could be a bit of an epic - apologies !
I haven't really got anyone to talk to in RL - have three bfs (none local)and each of them is tied up in their own little dramas at the moment ! DH isn't the chatty type and is a lot of my problem - and I really really do not get on with my mother !
OK - so what's up ?
Well - I work full-time in a job that is both very stressful and very badly paid. I feel undervalued and I can't see how it is going to get any better either - it is dead men's shoes and no-one is looking like dying ! I also have two hours of driving every day to get to and from work - which means I am late for everything and always rushing etc.
DH and I have been married for 13 yrs - together for 19 yrs. I suspect I shouldn't have married him really as there was never any great passion there - I was on the rebound from my first true love - and met dh at uni and he seemed like a thoroughly decent nice person - and I thought he would make a very nice life partner. He is a very nice man, everyone says so.
Our love life has always been low key - we were both virgins when we met - and not very adventurous. We have a 6 yr old and conceiving her took 2 yrs - possibly mainly because we very rarely had sex - even though we were TTC !! Ended up charting temps and often dh would say he was too tired at the right time - so many months went by without a chance. I did threaten to leave him at this point as I really really wanted to have a child. Eventually I conceived and he basically didn't come near me near the whole pregnancy. After I gave birth I was initially relieved that he didn't hassle me for sex, but months turned to years and we did not have sex for almost 6.5 yrs. I tried to talk about it - but he will not talk about stuff like that.
We have since had sex twice - both in hotels when dc has not been with us. Both times instigated by him in a rather formal manner ie. "I would like to make love to you now!". There is no cuddling or kissing - just straight down to the nitty-gritty.
He has become very selfish and lazy around the house and with helping with dc lately.
This week he was going to be away on a jolly with work - all week in Mauritius. He didn't even discuss it with me - he just told me he was going ! At the time I didn't say anything - but two weeks ago I literally exploded and had a real scremaing fit at him ! I told him he was selfish and childish and that he was expecting me to do way too much and work full time and that I just couldn't do it anymore ! I told him that if he wanted the life of a single man he could have it ! Unbeknown to me he has cancelled the trip ! I only found out when I said to him yesterday "shouldn't you be packing?" - he said "I'm not going now" and walked out of the room !
I'm not sure what I am asking really !
Half the time I think I should just leave him - but he is a lovely Daddy and dc adores him. I just don't think I could do that to them both. I think maybe I'm the problem, maybe I should go - but where would I go ?
I am such a physical wreck - my eye is twitching, I am spotty and about 2 stone overweight as I am comfort eating - all my clothes are crap, I am grouchy with dc, not doing my job properly !
Oh and to top it all we are mid process in movng house - bigger mortgage again etc..
And I am forty next month and would sort of like to have another baby - but god - what a wrong circumstance to bring another baby into the world on !
I just want someone to come along and wrap me up in a big cuddle, pat me and say it will all be OK ! But that's not going to happen so I am asking you all - what should I do ??
Sorry about the length of this btw !