Hate myself for my scars

[kobothepp]

When I was a teenager I suffered really badly with depression and self harming because I lived abroad and absolutely hated it. I wasn't confident speaking the language and because of this spent my childhood/teen years feeling like an outsider, which really affected my self esteem.

I self harmed with razor blades or steak knives probably every day for about two years and I have awful deep scars which cover the entirety of my lower arm and a big chunk of my thigh. They're really obvious, big, and raised and I don't think they'll ever get better than how they now look.

I really struggle with them - I feel like a misfit and a failure when I'm around other people who don't have them. Like I'm a broken/weak person.

I'm so regretful of doing it now and I feel so ashamed when I see people looking at them.

I know I could just perpetually wear long sleeved tops but that would suck.

Sorry, I don't expect any replies. Just a rant. But it would be really nice to speak with others who have been through this too

Would you consider tattoos?

www.springwise.com/free-tattoos-cover-self-harm-scars/

If not there are various treatments for minimizing scars. Laser therapy has become very advanced now....speak to your GP about referral to a dermatologist. YOu don't have to live with them.

Wear them with pride.
You got through your teenage years in a very difficult place. You survived without becoming a drug addict (you aren't a drug addict are you?). They are part of what makes you who you are.

As Bette Davis said to the photographer who was doing a portrait, "don't hide my wrinkles, they took me a lifetime to get them"

I know how you feel and I practically live in long sleeves for this reason. I also find scarves useful in summer. Recently had a baby and feel even more horribly ashamed of the scars and terrified other mums will see and judge me and also about what I will tell my baby when he's older.

Re above post - I saw a dermatologist via GP referall and there was nothing they could do for me (I think this can be dependant on type of scarring so worth a try for you) although they did give me a session with a specialist in skin camouflage makeup, but for me it's such a faff and doesn't result in very good coverage! Have also considered tattoos but would have to be a full sleeve and I'm not a very tattoo-y person!

So no advice really but you're not alone. It's so hard to live with, and attempt to accept. Like you can never leave your past behind, Have you talked with a therapist/counsellor about it at all?

for you

Thank you for the replies.

It's nice to know I'm not alone

I worked with a woman who appeared to have a lot of self harm scars on her upper arms (she wore a short sleeved top in summer). I suppose I felt a mixture of confusion for wondering if they were self harming scars, sympathy that she might have been in a place to do that and, happiness maybe, that she was plainly in a good enough place to have the scars out.

I was the same when I was a teenager. I have some huge keloid scars on my arms and thighs, and some on my wrists from a suicide attempt and I'm very self conscious about them.

Have you asked your GP for help with them? Once I did got to my GP about them, and they referred me to a dermatologist who injected them with steroids (I think) which helped with the raised profile. Obviously they are still visible, but flatter and whiter. If your scars are raised, there is likely to be some help which can at least reduce that as it probably gets itchy (so you can say that it causes discomfort and is not just a cosmetic issue).

For the past year I've been using a scar gel (Kelo-cote) which has helped them fade a bit. There are scar sheets available as well although I've found they fall off.

There is an organisation called Changing Faces which deal with skin camouflage - they will deal with all parts of the body not just the face. I did self refer at one point but never got around to following it up so I don't know if they're any good, but it's worth a try.

Personally I just wear long sleeved tops most of the time - I tend to feel the cold so it's not a big deal for me. You can get nice sheer long sleeve cover ups these days which is good for warmer/dressier occasions. Although I make a point of wearing short sleeved tops when I feel I need to prove how severe my MH issues are (like PIP/ESA assessments and seeing my psych who threatens to discharge me).

You are not alone.

Much the same as yours, my scars cover the entirety of my lower arms and thighs. They are visible and raised but I don't really notice them anymore. It doesn't occur to me to decide what to wear based on them.

I write this, not because that's what I think you should feel, but because this is where I am now with them. They represent the majority of my life when I was abused and traumatised. I survived-just like you-and they are a legacy of that time, just as my stretchmarks are a legacy of being pregnant. People have looked & commented and I've replied appropriately (in one case, a swift 'fuck off' in others much more nuanced conversation). The thing that helped me was a shit ton of great therapy - and that might be something that might help you.

You are not broken or weak. You have survived and are brilliant and courageous for doing so. I bet you now have gifts and skills for empathy and imagination people live a lifetime without. Your scars are part of that history.

1. I have scars - I rubbed zinc cream every day religiously for months - it helps soften and smooth them

1. Our live experiences make us who we are - we are the sum of all that we have experienced - for better, for worse, we are the people we are today for the journey we took to get here - as hard at it is, maybe some counseling may help to see how far you've come

The scars are a symbol of your strength. Wear them with pride knowing that you've experienced rock bottom and have survived. Your scars are a sign that you're a survivor and that you can overcome anything. I have "what does not destroy me makes me stronger" tattooed over some scars and it reminds me of how far I've come since the dark days. Don't hate anything about yourself OP you're an amazing and strong human being with a story of survival and strength that your body tells.

I think maybe counselling could help you resolve some of the feelings that are a hangover from that time. A good friend has scars from a difficult period in her life. I knew her as a colleague before being a friend and from when I first saw them I was in awe and attracted to her because of them not despite them. She is a bright and friendly and inspiring woman and the fact she has these scars made me wonder about her life and how she was so positive and kind despite obviously having had some difficult times. She speaks freely about that time when asked, she says they are her battle scars and she won the battle. Many people have shared their own stories of difficult times with her because of her openness.

You see the scars as ugly reminders of your past. I would see them as testimony of your bravery and visual evidence that you have withstood difficult times and come through.
💕

Also I think self harm cutting has become really common now and it won't be seen as an unusual thing in the future to have scars. I see scars on people that I meet quite regularly now, and I've heard that at least one schoolgirl will be doing it in a typical class.

Tattoo over them, you could make it something beautiful to remind you of what you have overcome

A tattooist / piercer I know has thousands of self harm scars all the way up both arms. She goes sleeveless and I feel nothing but admiration. I think more people, if they even notice at all, will feel similarly. I don't even notice / think about her scars when I see her now. If someone wants to judge, FUCK 'EM! They are part of your life story. But all good suggestions above about counselling, it even a tattoo if that's an option for you. Bio oil applied daily can definitely fade scars too.

I know how you feel too. I've got scars, many faded keloid ones. They haven't gone in 20 yrs so they ain't going anywhere now . I thought about tattoos but I have one I hate and need to pay for that to be removed at some point.

I hate the old me I see in the mirror.

There was another thread about this this morning, which will have some other suggestions if you want to search it.

I use bio oil and vitamin e capsules. Both helped make them look less obvious. They also bother me a lot less when a) my MH is okay and b) since I've got older.

I hear you OP

I too have really bad scars- camouflage make up doesn't really work on them as they are misshapen, and dermatologist said nothing they can do as there is no unscarred skin to work with there. I'd love tattoos but no money!

I usually wear long sleeves as I have kids and worry about attitudes but this year thought fuck it and I've bought a couple of t shirts for really hot weather, and some stretchy bracelets to cover my wrists.

Usually I wear sort of chiffon type blouses/shirts/dresses in summer if I don't want people to see things. Now is a good time to stock up if that's your thing. You can still get sunburnt through them though as I found! And I bought some canopi sleeves (attach to your bra) so I could adapt a sleeveless dress to a formal occasion.

But yes, it sucks. If I saw you and your arms in the street I'd have nothing but admiration for you having stopped and getting out there though

Just wanted to thank everyone again. Your kinds words are really appreciated. to anyone else going through this