Post natal depression / just bloody tired!

[Billynoname]

I have a 3m old DD and a 3y old DD. Older DD was a really challenging baby- bad reflux and cried a lot. Things improved when she was around 8/9m and we were able to stop her medication (ranitidine). I have delayed having another baby as I dreaded having that baby phase again. Everyone told me, second babies are always easier and I couldn't have a baby that hard again. Well it turns out I can- even harder. I'm no wimp, I can and have coped with some pretty shitty situations in my life but I am really starting to struggle.

Baby has severe reflux and eczema and a cow's milk protein allergy song various other allergies. I am BF her so I have had to seriously restrict my diet. It's made a slight difference but there are clearly other yet to be discovered issues at play. She is getting good care from the paediatric team at our local hospital.

But, the effect of her conditions mean that she cries A LOT. Most of the day. And doesn't sleep unless she is on me so I have to stay awake most of the night to allow her to sleep safely.

I am exhausted and absolutely fed up. I have zero time for myself- even when I shower I have both girls with me. The solution is not to get DH to help more as he has an incredibly demanding job and is away a lot or working long hours.

I could cope with the crying in thrifty if I was sleeping at night but I probably only get 1.5-2 hrs per night so I am dead on my feet! Add s toddler onto your mix and you can imagine how fun life is right now.

My worry is that this has moved past being a bit fed up to actually having PND.

Symptoms include :

• irritability
• sleepiness

-feeling low

• not wanting to see friends

-ignoring messages / calls / emails

• binge eating
• not able to think about / talk about birth (I have not processed this yet as it was not as planned and was v traumatic in the end)
• avoiding other babies as I am insanely jealous of happy cooing little squishes

The final straw was last night as I had come to to bed early to try to catch up after a bad night the night before and baby refused to sleep anywhere other than on me. I felt like I was rougher with her then I would like and at one point saw red and just thought I need her to shut up. I didn't do anything but it scared me. This is not me.

I am grieving for the happy time I was planning to spend playing with older DD whilst contented baby slept / played. Instead, I am constantly wearing / holding s screaming baby saying mummy just needs to go X, y, z for bday- you do X on your own / shove her in front of the tv. again- not me,

I feel alone and embarrassed to be feeling like this and don't really know what to do. Xxx

I don't have anything very useful to offer. But just wanted to say you have my sympathy. Don't be embarrassed because your reaction to extreme sleep deprivation is quite normal but it does sound like you are getting depressed. When I felt like you during the utter exhaustion phase ( and I only had one baby - but a lot of other stuff to deal with at the same time ) an AD did just take the edge off I was
still exhausted but a bit more detached so I'd go to the dr if I were you. I could not stand the interrupted sleep it made me feel mentally and physically ill and put me off having another baby to be honest. The only other things I did was pay for cleaners twice a week so at least the house wasn't in chaos and used a nursery before I'd planned to to get a break-not a solution for you at this stage. I also understand what you say about grieving for a happy baby time. I still resent the the problems (of another) I had to deal with when my child was a baby because they really spoilt that time. However things did get better and better and that will inevitably be the case with you. Best wishes.

Thanks Apricot. I know it will get better having been through one difficult baby stage but I just wish so badly that it was different. It's not so I need to gather myself together X

Hi billy no wonder you are exhausted. Have you spoken to your HV or GP about things. That sounds like a good place to start.

I have a baby with cmpa and silent reflux so I can offer high sympathy on that front. She's 10 months now and on milk free breast milk, ranitidine and omeperazole but still suffering at 10 months. But 6 months was a huge turning point for us. She just suddenly became happier and I think it was when she could sit up by herself. Weaning didn't help the reflux at all which really pissed me off as everyone kept telling me that would help! I remember so many times feeling utterly broken in the early months. She used to like being swing outwards facing looking in a mirror and I remember us swaying together both crying (well her screaming) in front of a mirror. I'm an emotionally strong person but my god did she test me! The only way I could ever do anything was by putting her outwards facing (she refused inwards) in a carrier (I had ergo 360). She would only be fed to sleep (and then I couldn't move a muscle) or could be hoovered to sleep when in carrier but she only liked to do short power naps! I'm scared about having another. I had a really bad pregnancy and everyone kept telling me that would mean I'd have an easy baby! It must be so hard with a toddler too. If you haven't tried outward facing in a carrier (if dc has good head control and you keep a close eye) then do. It's all a phase and this one will pass eventually.

I can't advise on the potential pnd side of things but you should absolutely talk to you hv or gp about it. Definitely best to get help early on before it becomes an issue. I lost it with my dd once and shouted at her to fuck off fuck off fuck off and she looked so shocked and I felt like the worst human being ever.