Hi all,
Have name changed for this. I've just come home from picking my child from school and collapsed on the bed in tears. I've made a doctor's appointment for next week as my normal doctor is away. Hoping if I wrote this down someone might have some advice on how to calm myself down.
My other child was diagnosed last year with an incurable genetic condition, which will have both physical and life limiting effects. Whilst the prognosis isn't as bad as originally thought since this diagnosis I feel like I've been on a downward spriral which I can't get out of.
- I wake up every morning dreading the day ahead
- I am making major errors at work, really silly mistakes that I shouldn't be doing. My job is amazing - flexible, no pressure, easy - yet I am forgetting to do the simplest things and cannot motivate myself to get a grip. I feel like it's got to the stage where I can't recover the mess I've made as it's now gone back a year. The dread I feel when I walk in and out is overwhelming and there's no reason for it - the pressure's only there because I've created it through my own incompetence. My manager wants to speak to me in the morning because I've made a massive mistake and really annoyed a client which is inexcusable. That's me not being able to sleep tonight.
- This being unable to deal with anything is affecting my home life as well. If we get any letters/bills through it sends me into a panic, even children's party invitations . My house is a mess and I keep on forgetting things like the washing so clothes stay in the machine for days because I just don't think.
- I have to get to the school over an hour early because I panic incase I can't get a space (totally unnessecary) Talking to other parents, whilst I fake that I'm fine and chat away like normal, once it's over I spend the rest of the afternoon going over and over what I've said and analysing how everyone thinks I'm weird and stupid.
- My eating is out of control. I binge on rubbish like chocolate, then only eat diet soups for main meals and pace around the house like an idiot trying to burn off the 5000 calories of junk food I've eaten.
- I just feel like I'm doing a terrible job of everything apart from on the outside looking like everything is fine and even that's now starting to crumble. When we come home from school I'm so exhausted after trying to cope with the day I just want them to leave me alone. I just feel like all my coping mechanisms have gone. I used to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks when I was younger and had a bad time at university and am terrified of that happening again as I now have children to look after and my husband is having his own problems at work without me complaining that I can't do my own. I don't want to add to his pressures by putting mine on him.
- Sorry for the whining. I just want to snap out of this and get a grip. I feel so bad for feeling bad as my child's condition, whilst serious, is not as bad as we thought it was going to be and therefore I feel like I have no excuse to feel sorry for myself. In fact, my MIL even turned around and said we should celebrate that my child's incurable disease (that will end in a disability and premature death should be celebrated) because it's not as severe as we thought. My parents think I should get on with it and ignore my child's illness because it's not apparent yet. My husband thinks we should take everyday as it comes which I am trying so hard to do, but I just feel like the stress of it is leaking into everything else.