Feel so unwell

[Sunsetoverthetracks]

I really don't feel able to talk to anyone I know about this.
I've suffered with depression on and off for around 11 years now. I've been off meds for three years, I was ok for around 7 months while off them and then started to feel unwell again. I kind of cycle through how I feel, I go through periods of 'getting by' followed by periods of feeling unsettled, unable to rest or concentrate, feeling detached from reality if I'm honest. I get ideas in my head about what I think I want and make some pretty stupid decisions during these times. Following this I feel down and currently this is where I am at.
I visited the doctor around a year ago, she didn't even look at me when I told her about how I was feeling, she said there was nothing she could do for me because I was breastfeeding and sent me on my way. When I feel at my worst now I ring the samaritans for support. My ds is two now and still breastfeeds during at night, out of habit I know he doesn't need it but it's the only way I can get him to sleep, I need to stop this but don't feel able to cope with the crying. I'm a lone parent and in all honesty I'm exhausted. I know because of this there is no point in going to a doctor.
I can't take feeling like this though. I have suicidal thoughts, which I feel terrible about. I just don't see any other way out of how I'm feeling. The only thing that stops me acting on these feelings are my children. I worry though that one day things will get to much and nothing will stop me. I'm desperate for help and reading my post back to myself I sound utterly pathetic. I just don't know what to do.

Hi, I would ask to see a different GP. There are ADs that are safe to take when breast feeding and there are other options such as referals to councelling, cbt, psychology.

Other than that self help options are things like meditation, mindfulness and exercise which can all help too.

I want to change surgery completely. It takes weeks to get seen. I just cannot see the point in trying. I was lucky with my last surgery, you could phone and get seen on the day. That experience was my first at the surgery I'd built up the courage to go, I was desperate and she dismissed me. I want to change surgery completely but I have zero motivation to do anything right now. I just want to curl up and cry, I just wish I had someone who cared about how I'm feeling. I tried to talk to my mum last night and she left the room. My family don't know how to deal with me when I'm like this, which is not their fault it's mine for putting them in this situation but I can't help it. I wish I could change how I feel, this has been going on for so many years now.
I think that having someone to talk to and help me make sense of the things I am feeling would help. When I feel able to I will try to look into things and change surgery. I just really cant right now

Oh Sunset, I'm so sorry and a bit furious. Are there other doctors at the practice? The receptionists can be helpful if you ask if any of the GPs have a special interest in mental health. You deserve to feel better than this. I know it's a huge decision to change surgeries but if you can bring yourself to check reviews for local GPs you might find some that sound positive. Then it's less of a step to change.
This is not your fault. At all. Full stop. It sounds as though your mother is out of her depth. But not being comforted, validated or even just listened to is so hurtful. I was referred to Talking Space, an NHS counselling therapy. I'm 55 and believed it was too little, too late. But it's not. Wishing you love and strength.

Its not your fault at all you are ill. If you can get an appointment with a different GP even if its 2 weeks away at least its getting closer. And then you can look at changing practice when you are feeling a bit stronger.