In acute pain, on my knees in my bathroom, nauseated and on the verge of blacking out. There's no dignity like this. It's not always like this - but I don't want to die in an attack like this. I don't want my last minutes or hours to be spent suffering alone like this. I spend so many hours in clinics and with doctors and I'm ok with it but SICK of it. Hugely phobic of needles and invasive procedures and I just lose the plot and start to cry once I leave and get on the tube.
I have plenty of days without pain, but I'm exhausted. I have no life. I make plans and have so many dreams! Nothing happens. Because I can't do anything. In reality, I spend 5 days a week in bed 18 hours out of 24. I could sleep and sleep and sleep.
My mental health has been sliding down. I don't know if the exhaustion is partly mental health I suspect it is. I have been trough local mental health services who offered group counselling which made everything worse. I take antidepressants already. My psychiatrist does not think we should chop and change those meds.
I thought I was managing my feelings but I'm not anymore. I keep fantasizing about going to my local hospital with a letter, saying not to revive me. If I stop my medication for my illness I'll die soon. It would be dignified, more comfortable and less exhausting than attempting to stay alive.
I'm not an economically viable person and the constant worry and suspension of benefits (eg when I moved house, when someone else moved out) is driving me nuts with fear.
If I just could force myself to accept dying, I would not have to be afraid of anything anymore. I can't accept it though - I want to have a good life worth living, but not a shitty life full of pain and fear, but what if that is all that there is for me?