Concerned friend. Desperate advice please!

[LJ2017]

Hello MNers,

I'm posting on behalf of a pal whom has gotten herself into a bit of a state. I don't know what else to suggest to her or how to help her. She is worried she's done something incredibly wrong or even criminal. It's a bit of a grey area as she was so young. Would love your thoughts and advice for her. She's suffering very bad at the moment with anxiety and OCD and thinks she's sliding into depression again if she's not careful.

Shes recently been put on Prozac for anxiety (very debilitating at the moment).

She is a home maker and has a loving husband and child. She has a nice life but has always been plagued with anxiety & depression.

For some reason this time round the Prozac is making her have flash backs for no reason at all. Flashbacks to old memories that she has never thought about or either totally forgotten about. It could be a simple word from a tv advert that will spark it.

One in particular has sickened her to the core and she can't forget it or shrug it off.

As a young teen either 12/13/14 years old. She was curious, I guess like most at that age. She was at school & a friend told her about someone that had put peanut butter on their bits to try and tempt the dog to lick them down there.

She thought it sounded quite intriguing and when she got the chance she tried to tempt her dog to do the same from what she remembers the dog either had a sniff and walked away or had a tiny lick and walked away and she did not persue it. She then forgot about it and got on with life.

She has no dodgy bestiality fantasies or anything like that. Far from it. I know she feels thoroughly ashamed and disgusted with herself and can't believe what she was thinking. At the time the moral issues and legalities of it never even occurred to her as I guess it wouldn't at that age. She was just larking around out of curiosity.

She is a 'normal person' with a 'normal' upbringing. But is insistent or tarring herself with people who are actually into those kind of strange things and even worse. She is so far removed from anything like that. My heart breaks for her.

She keeps saying she can't seem to come to terms with this or see a way out. She keeps saying about 'handing herself in' which I think it's just crazy over something that I think is so trivial. But she's racked with guilt over moral and legality issues surrounding it. I keep trying to remind her she was so young and knew no better!

Please someone help! It's so hard seeing my friend like this.

Any advice or pearls of wisdom.

Thank you also for reading my huge post.

L x

Hi LJ, your poor friend. Unfortunately with anxiety and depression, you never believe the rational arguments and you do think you are awful human being. I have suffered with depression and anxiety and never believe myself when I'm trying to challenge the thoughts and never believe my family when they're trying to make me feel better. We've all done things we're ashamed of. I know I have and they always crop up when I'm depressed or anxious.

The fact that her dog just walked away shows nothing actually happened! And she has no weird fetishes either so she's clearly not a sexual deviant. I wonder if she can change her medication as the Prozac seems to be doing her more harm than good. Also, is she seeking professional help from a counsellor or similar?

You're a very good friend to her - she's lucky to have you. Good luck. x

I'd say the depression/ anxiety sounds quite a bit worse than you've described and maybe than what she's described to the doctor. To become so hung up on that is really worrying and I think she needs more help /different medication before it gets really out of control because I don't think a recent prescription of prozac is the answer. Preferably medication and talking therapy.

Thank you Bedezz. She does seem to latch onto these past experiences when she has an episode of anxiety or depression. She can't seem to let go and obsesses over previous experiences etc.

I did suggest she changes her medication but she said that having only been on it for 2 weeks the doctor may tell her to stick it out a bit longer. From what ive read about the Fluoxetine it can make you feel worse before you get better? I do think she should still see her GP though.

She is waiting on an appointment for a counsellor. In all the time that she has been on and off her medication she has never been offered it. Last time she asked for it and they happily refered her. She is relocating soon so the upheaval may see her have to re refer through a new GP.

MerryMarigold- yes I do worry that she doesn't fully appreciate how bad her anxiety has got and may be not divulging the true extent to her GP. As mentioned above I think another visit would be good. I feel like she needs reassurance about this particular incident. But on this occasion I can't seem to be able to help? She just feels like she is a criminal and needs to be put away! She says if she knew then that it was unlawful then she wouldn't have done it. I said to her what kind of 12/13/14 year old is aware of that-none! She need to see it through the eyes of a young teen and not as a 31 year old woman! No one is going to persue a teenager for something like that surely?! I keep trying to reassure her that!
We've all done things especially as young teens while experimenting.
I just want her old self back. It's so unfair that she torments herself so much. She is so drained and it shows. She falls asleep anywhere and everywhere.

Sounds like Pure OCD, it might help if she looks it up and sees that it's a disorder - and not what she thinks she's done or not done - which is tormenting her...

Yes, I agree the first step is acknowledging these are feelings/ illness/ disorder talking, rather than 'reality'. It takes a while to get there. And it doesn't actually change the feeling, but makes it easier to cope with IYSWIM. My motto is: It's just a feeling. It was one silly incident which went nowhere. Also, it involved a dog not a human being!

I have done so many illegal and stupid things which I am ashamed of. I feel more guilt about the here and now though when I am depressed eg. I am a rubbish mum/ wife/ can't clean/ discipline my kids properly/ teach them well/ live productive life. Does your friend struggle with any of that or is it literally that one incident?

People do unlawful things every day and don't worry about it! She was just a child and didn't know any better. And it wasn't done maliciously or for any kick or thrill. Just curiosity and nothing happened anyway. I tend to latch on to things and obsess about them when I have anxiety attacks or depressive episodes. Things I wouldn't even remember happening or give a second thought to when I'm 'normal'. I've been on fluoxetine and citalopram, both which I found helped massively. I also took them before I went to bed at night so I could sleep through the side effects. Obsessing is part of anxiety and depression and it's so frightening but you don't seem to be able to stop. Can she try and get bumped up the waiting list for a counsellor? Or does she funds to go private? I think she does need to go back to her GP though. Maybe you could go with her for moral support.

Thanks Jerry. I will look into this and discuss it with her. It sounds very interesting and familiar.

Thank you Marigold- great motto. She does struggle a lot with self worth. She often wonders what good qualities she has (as in talents) and what here vocation in life is. She's an outstanding mummy. She worries herself sick that she is going to be like how her mum was. Very up and down and also suffered depression. Before she even fell pregnant she always used to say how she didn't want to be like that. This is why it's so important for her to recovery and have tools in place to prevent it happening in the future. She manages to function on auto pilot. But does worry about her little family unit. Other than that it's just this isolated incident.

Thanks Bedezz- I'm so sorry to hear you suffer the same too. I can see how tortuous it can be. She is relocating so I think paying privately could be an option for her for a counsellor otherwise she could be waiting a long time! I would have no qualms going to the GP with her either.
I shall show her this thread in a couple of days after I've spoken to her. I think her concern is the legalities. She says she should be dealt with appropriately then agonises about being locked up and separated from her family and the aftermath of it. It's so sad.

Bumping for anymore advice in addition to the fab advice already received xx