Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Flip

Original poster

Living with Depressed DH

25 replies

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 08/04/2017 18:12

I have been with DH for 14 years and I have suspected depression for most of that time. He is always miserable, prone to intense mood swings and is generally very difficult to be around. The DC and I tiptoe around him as we are never sure what type of mood he is in and whether or not it's "safe" to be relaxed.

The kicker is that he refuses to accept that he has depression and he said once that, even if he were depressed, it's not something he would go to the doctor about because depression "is not real" and he would just need to "get over it".

Has anyone lived in similar circumstances? If so, how do/did you manage? It is exhausting and soul destroying trying to guess his moods and act accordingly, especially when I know there is no end in sight because he refuses to get help. In the last 14 years I have turned into a nervous wreck and I need to find better ways of dealing with it.

TIA.

OP posts:

Screamifuwant2gofaster · 08/04/2017 18:18

Yes, am in a similar situation though no children...am pregnant with first. He has no motivation, huge mood swings. It's very hard to live with. Needs me to sort everything. Life is pretty depressing. I don't know how to make things better. Don't respect him anymore. Do you still love your dh?

Original poster

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 08/04/2017 18:26

I'm so sorry you're in the same situation, Scream. It is awful. After 24 years I still try to find ways to make it better, to make him better but I am slowly running out of ideas and tolerance. I don't want to see my marriage end because of this but I cannot see any other way to get back on track. I don't even know where we would begin. Our marriage has morphed into more of a roommate situation in recent years. We barely interact and when we do it is either to argue or to listen to him list the various things in his life that he hates (which is everything).

I don't know how to answer the live question. I have typed and deleted so many responses. I don't know how I feel anymore. I love him but I don't know whether it's just familial love or anything more. I don't know.

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 08/04/2017 18:28

Hey it sounds more like sbuse than depression!!

Why you have put up with it so long is mind boggling

Original poster

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 08/04/2017 18:32

Well I'm sorry to boggle your mind QuiteLikely but the reasons why I have put up with it are too long to list. We have children, we live thousands of miles from his family, we can't afford to live separate.

Maybe you didn't mean your post to come across as judgmental but it sure as hell did! And no, I am not now, nor have I ever been, an abused woman. Not every disfunctional marriage is an abusive marriage.

OP posts:

ijustwannadance · 08/04/2017 18:32

Depression is horrific but if your other half completely refuses to get help, then I personally would leave for my own sake rather than just wasting away myself.

Screamifuwant2gofaster · 08/04/2017 18:39

I too have tried to help my husband in so many ways. It makes little difference. It's worst when I'm ill/ have needs...then everything falls apart. I get so fed up of having to be the one who sorts everything (practically, emotionally). It's draining. I have so much empathy for you. Please pm if you want to chat. What's your dh like with other people?

Jemimapiddleduck · 08/04/2017 18:45

Do any of your partners hold down jobs? Mine holds a job and seems to do really well but the practical side of life at home ( paying bills, striding to a budget) goes out the window.
Yesterday he called me a fucking idiot in front of the kids. ( im blaming his quit smoking meds as that is out of character)
I honestly believe that ultimatums are in order for their health and ours

Jemimapiddleduck · 08/04/2017 18:47

Oh yes and scream the same is with me - if I'm ever sick or depressed (minor pnd after 2nd baby) everything hits the fan. When I told him about my PND he said " oh great just what I need" I've forgiven that though

Original poster

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 08/04/2017 18:51

My DH has a job although the job itself is a major cause of depression for him. He moans about his job constantly.

I have to do everything too - I manage all of the bank accounts, pay all of the bills, schedule and take the cars in for service (even his!), take care of family birthdays, Christmas etc. It drives me to distraction. He likes to joke that he lets me do it because I am type A personality and I like doing it. No I bloody well don't!

It the last 15 minutes we have just had an argument because he needs new glasses but wants me to schedule an appointment and then ultimately deal with submitted the costs to our insurer for repayment (we're not in the UK).

OP posts:

Screamifuwant2gofaster · 08/04/2017 18:59

Yep mine has a job. He's pretty good at it.
I'm actually at the point where I dread weekends. We always end up fighting....all gets so depressing.

RHOLST39 · 08/04/2017 19:55

Can I join please, I'm in the same situation, he's been recently diagnosed as severely depressed as things were getting really bad. He's irritable and grumpy, I dread the weekends too! I've moved out of the bedroom into the spare. He's has a stressful job with major responsibility which he is good at and at work he's mister nice guy that everyone loves! So hard to just get through the day to day. Xxxx

Screamifuwant2gofaster · 08/04/2017 20:01

I hear you RHOL. Mine has suspected aspergers too. It all makes me so depressed. I don't have any local friends which makes it all so difficult. He's just not a nice person to be around. I feel bad for him but feel like it's all having such a hellish impact on me. How do you all cope?

NolongerAnxiousCarer · 08/04/2017 20:44

Hi, my DH has depression and episodes of psychosis. Luckily he agreed to try ADs 3 years into our relationship which helped a lot, but the psychosis was only diagnosed 4 years ago after 6 years together. I completely understand the walking on eggshells and taking responsibility for everything. It took its toll on my health and we seperated around the time of his diagnosis. If he had not been willing to accept help and engage with treatment I would have had to walk away for my own healths sake. Luckily though he did engage with treatment and its completely changed our lives for the better. It's still tough at times but we work more as a team now and we have support. On the medication he is the man I fell in love with all of the time rather than only some of the time.

I've realised that the most important thing you can do when you are supporting someone else is to put yourself and your own health first. If we go under we can't support anyone else.

Jemimapiddleduck · 08/04/2017 20:46

Mine also self medicates with booze. Oh and he is useless with money knowing full well his parents will bail him out.

But!!! We still laugh and have fun together and I know it's the depression/anxiety making him like this

RHOLST39 · 08/04/2017 22:04

I've struggled with anxiety at times so his moods and behaviour are really difficult for me, I'm on meds or I would loose the plot!!!!

NolongerAnxiousCarer · 09/04/2017 10:28

Unfortunately alcohol is a depressant so it makes deppression worse. I think regardless of depression (and I say this as someone who has suffered from it too,) there need to be boundries about what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. Depression and anxiety are horrible conditions, but they are not an excuse to behave badly or treat someone unkindly. Our DHs are adults and as such need to take responsibility for their health and the impact it has on us. One of my conditions for getting back together with DH after our seperation was that he took responsibility for managing his own mental health. Another was that he engaged with treatment.

There are still times when he is so low that he needs reminding to do basic selfcare like washing and eating and can't take on additional household tasks. Even when he's this low he knows that its not acceptable to take it out on me or behave badly towards me. Likewise when I've been struggling with anxiety recently I've been quite snappy towards him, but I know its unreasonable behaviour and not his fault and will appolagise and do my best not to take my stress out on him.

I do find it helpful to see his condition as seperate from him though, so I can get angry at his condition or upset by his condition rather than by him.

amysmum18 · 13/04/2017 07:17

Can I jump on this thread. I thought it was just me that was dealing with this situation. Annie and Scream, you sound like you are both living in a very similar situation to me. I've been with DH for 16 years, married for 8. We've got 2 DC, 6 and 4. I'm certain he has undiagnosed depression. He goes through phases of mood swings, disinterest in things, being very down and grumpy. He won't recognise that he's being like this and usually gets to twist things round to being my fault (so much so that I'm starting to give up asking and trying to help) I do all of the home stuff like organising, remembering birthdays, sorting bills, people coming to fix stuff, everything) He's fab with the kids and he does his bit around the house but I'm finding the way he can act so draining. I just don't know what to do 😢

crumble82 · 13/04/2017 07:31

I'm in the same situation. We have 2 DD and he is a great father during his good times and so far I have managed to hide the bad times from them. He won't admit he has a problem, his mother has depression too and he hates her. He also drinks.

I have no respect for him anymore and I don't love him. I still like him enough that I am not miserable though and our DD think he is great. I also worry about them being with him unsupervised if we split so can't leave him until I know they would be safe with him.

I can't really suggest any coping mechanisms other than get a hobby and a external support network. for you.

sandgrown · 13/04/2017 07:34

I feel for you Amysmum(and all the other posters) my DP. Is the same but at least we only have one teenage child at home. DS is losing respect for his dad because of his lack of enthusiasm for anything and terrible mood swings. DP been on medication for years which has just been increased. Drinks too much but is giving up with only the odd lapse but that also makes him moody. I have to organise everything. He is currently signed off work so quite happy doing nothing but I am scared he will.lose his job. Doctor keeps telling me DP is in a high risk group for suicide (purely based on age not suicidal tendencies) and when I am away at work I must make regular contact with him!

amysmum18 · 13/04/2017 07:53

The problem I have is that he only has periods of this. At times, he's lovely but when he goes through one of these phases, it can be awful. My DC are away at the grandparents for the Easter hols and I think it's just magnified as we don't have the distraction here. He doesn't really drink so that doesn't make things worse. I'm wondering whether to try and talk to him about it tonight but it's ways hard to tell if he'll open up or just start having a go at me to deflect it and try to change the subject 😢

amysmum18 · 13/04/2017 08:02

For others in the same situation, do you speak to others about this? Do others see this behaviour? For me, I don't really talk to other people about how things can be. DH's parents have seen some of his mood swings and they know he can be down at times but they don't mention it when he has a mood swings as they don't want to make it worse which doesn't always help me as it seems, I assume, to him that I'm the only one that sees a problem. X

sandgrown · 13/04/2017 08:03

Men are notoriously bad at accepting they have a problem. I do find DP is better when he has me to himself with no family distractions. Hard as it might be I think you need to try and have the conversation and try and persuade him to speak to his doctor. If he will not see doctor I think Mind have a helpline where he could be anonymous. If you are child free do something for yourself too if only coffee with friends. Good Luck x

SunFinished · 13/04/2017 08:11

I also have a partner with mental health issues. Currently In a depressed mood, he has so many issues, all boils down to an obsessive personality with borderline personality and social anxiety and all this obviously leads to depression. He can manage and then it gets worse. It's been this way for 12 years and now we have 1 child together who is a preschooler.
I do everything!! He seeks help but refused Meds every time. He has a small issue that anyone else would have, e.g. His weight but his obsession over it makes him such a hard person to live with. Our life isn't normal as he won't socialise with my friends and their family, he can't. I feel like I can't support him properly anymore since having dd, like all my energy goes to her and I struggle sometimes that his moods just make me feel anxious now. I just wish he was happy, I do love and care for him but maybe as Annie said, in a more familial way??? It is hard. Looks like your not alone Annie

amysmum18 · 13/04/2017 08:14

He knows he does have a problem and every so often, he really opens up and wants to be better but it usually takes for me to get to absolute meltdown point before he will do that. I did manage to get him to go to the GP a couple of years ago and they prescribed him some AD's. He only took them for a couple of days and then stopped saying he didn't want medication but won't look for any other help. He wouldn't call Mind and I don't think I'll get him back to the GP. I do try to do a couple of things for me when the kids are away. The problem I have is that DH doesn't really have any friends or social life so he seems to almost resent it if I go out with friends and can make me feel almost bad for going out. I can't count the number of times I've cancelled meeting friends because he's in one of his moods and it's just easier if I cancel. Anything for a quiet life 😢

NolongerAnxiousCarer · 13/04/2017 17:59

This thread is making me sad. I was in this situation a few years ago before DH got help. Things are so different now. I hadn't realised how bad thibgs had got as it had been so gradual. I couldn't go back to that life now, it was making me ill. I reallyhope your DPs can bring themselves to get sone help for your sakes if not their own.

Flip