Hi there, i dont know where to start so...
I have two children, DD is almost 17 months and DS is 3 months. Both were unplanned, especially DS as DD was only 5 months when i got pg again, and my DD was conceived when DP and i had only been together 4 months, though we were happy about it.
I adore my children, adore more than anything in the world. DP and I are in love, ok money is tight sometimes, but we make the most of what we have, and our children are amazing and clever and beautiful, hardly ever any trouble and make me laugh every day. I feel like i should have nothing to worry about. But i am.
I am not depressed, i am not sad, i love my life, and wouldnt change a single thing. But i am petrified my DD will die. Not my DS for some reason, i adore him as much as she but i have been alot more relaxed this time round with him, with DD i was over her cot 15 times a night, and in the back of my mind ALL THE TIME i have this horrible 'this is the last day you will have with her' feeling, or 'you wont see her grow up'. God i am crying now writing this, i love her so much, she is so perfect and i want her to grow up and for us to be best friends and always be there for her, i was never like that with my mum because of family circumstance, so i want her to know JUST how much i love her. My mind plays scenes like a film vivid ones such as her being hit by a car, falling into the corner of the tv cabinet and blinding herself, pulling a hot drink or saucepan over herself and scalding herself to death. I am petrified someone will get in the house at night and steal her from her room and do some of the unspeakable things that have been on the tv recently. I go to great lengths to make sure she is never in harms way but i still panic inside that there is a way round my preventative measures. I sound like a lunatic but i promise im not. My family think i am doing great because on the outside i am coping great with two little ones who are only 13 months apart, on the practical side i am, they are right, but i just want the death fears to stop. At night i lie in bed and i am literally (in my head) going 'LA LA LA LA' to try and over ride thoughts that just scream round my brain as i am trying to sleep. I get up in the night to check on her, and even more disgustingly, i torture myself by reading stories of cot death and other toddler deaths on the net at night when i log on to purely read my emails and check in at my home board where i am good friends with all the girls. I havent posted this there, because i dont want to bring the mood down. I do worry about my son, i really do, but not to the same extent. I dont love one more than the other, but i am frightened that my obsessiveness with my daughters health etc is a premonition, that i am in some way privvy to future insights...
I am not crazy i swear i am not. I told my DP that i was feeling strange but he didnt really get it, he hasnt been supportive but purely cos i dont think he really understands and believe me i put on such a good show that anyone who knows me wouldnt believe this is me.
Do you think its post natal depression of some kind, do you think someone can help me.
Sorry for this being such a depressive post.
(ps - i think alot of the above has been contributed to by past events in my family, my elder brother died when i was 9 (he was 15) he was badly handicapped due to contracting meningitis as a baby that left him brain damaged - but how do i stop this affecting me?)