where to begin when you realise you need help?

[newnameoldme]

I'm checking back in to mumsnet as I have at most extreme crisis points over past 10 years. I think I need help but don't know what.
Basically I've weathered through a constant avalanche of ridiculously shit events for years and live with a lot of sadness and unhappiness, feelings of failure because of very real failure.

I've never sought help either because I didn't live in a place where any was available or just didn't know where to start.
Even now I don't think I'm 'depressed' but I'm sinking under misery of sadness. I keep thinking as it's not depression as such, because it's all a reaction to the real awful things that have happened and fucked up my life, then what can I do? There's no magic pill going to make me more able to cope.
However now I'm finding it impossible to function, like shutting down more and more and I have kids that need me. I want to be able to live and function.
I'm living alone with my kids absolutely no support of any family or friends. I've never had much and now the kids dad has gone completely. It's really tough for the kids and another reason I need to be completely a 1000 times more everything than I am.
Where do I start to get out of this hole? I'm sat in bed looking at people walking by but it feels impossible to get there too. To shower and eat and do all the urgent things that need to be done. it's too overwhelming I've run out of steam. Everything has slid out of control.

I'm writing sanely but I know what's going around my head is not healthy. I've managed to switch from sleeping late, drinking and always being tired to sleeping early, not drinking but waking up in panic in the night and early in the morning in dread at day ahead...this has been going on for months and on and off for years honestly.

I'm constantly thinking in a loop - this is pretty much my inner dialogue always:
"I'm depressed - no I'm not depressed, that's a catch all phrase - I'm unhappy and saying it as a mantra is making me more unhappy - there's no point in going to a Dr as I don't want to be drugged, drugs don't cure unhappiness, I need to stop being selfish and lazy and just do what needs to be done to survive, fake it till i make it - but I can't because it's gotten too much and I'm too overwhelmed and I actually don't want to have to live the rest of my life out because it's too long and hard and I'm done already. I am crap at living. Oh no that sounds like suicidal thoughts, that must be 'real depression' - no it's just sadness - I'm not going to kill myself because that would destroy my kids lives - so I have to work out how to live and work it out quickly because my kids need a great life now. but I don't know how and I'm not doing even the urgent essential stuff...everything is out of control. i'm terrified"

So please I'd appreciate advice, is it a good idea really to present myself to a Dr as this total disaster? Will that actually do any good? Could it have bad consequences for my kids and insurance to have medical record of this? Is there really a medical solution for having to cope with a lot of shit? Is there another way?

thanks if you have read this far

Yes you should see a GP. Yes it can do some real good. I don't have insurance so can't comment on that but how could it be bad for your kids if you got better.

I took medication to help me out of the hole. I then had CBT to help me recover. I then stopped the medication. I might find my mood slipping but I know what to do about that. I'm a million times better than I was.
Please do seek help.

I think it is sometimes very hard to distinguish between what people call "real depression" and a natural reaction to very diffficult circumstances. However, in many circumstances the two are interlinked and your reaction to those difficult circumstances can make things incredibly hard to deal with and you feel you can't cope. I wouldn't worry about defining it and trying to put a label on how you are feeling. You're very unhappy, suffering, can't cope, and in order to cope and move forward you might need some help. That is legitimate and you don't deserve to suffer like that.

I have (yesterday in fact) been to the GP and today started first day of antidepressants. I've resisted them for a long time because I feel I should learn to cope with things and it's not a real solution - but the reality is some help can enable you to get on top of things and feel less overwhelmed, and you can start to feel a little better. Alongside something like CBT and learning coping mechanisms, things will move on.

I would make an appointment with the GP and go from there.

thanks for replying - I haven't joined a Drs surgery since we moved last year, returning the forms are just one of the hundred things I haven't managed to complete yet. So another obstacle but in theory I can hand in the forms and make an appointment. Although I have no idea what on earth to tell a dr.
I do feel like I would benefit from a therapist or counsellor who could listen to all the shit spinning around my head, make some sense of it and give me some practical step by step advice on how to get past this and live.

I would make getting a doctors appointment a priority, as with help you can be getting on with other things a lot more quickly and be happier for your DC.

You can tell the GP what you said in your post - you feel overwhelmed with unhappiness, aren't able to cope with daily life, struggling to cope... those are all things I said to GP when I went and they took me seriously.

What kinds of things are you finding difficult in your life? You're definitely not alone in this.

I'm finding everything impossible, getting up, showering, working, keeping up with buying food, cooking, cleaning, laundry, jobs around the house, all admin jobs are going undone, I'm not leaving the house which is the best bit as I love home but my job doesn't pay enough anymore and I'm running out of money fast.
Also I'm hardly interacting with the kids. When they're not at school they are playing or watching tv by themselves and I'm just stressing about all the stuff I need to do and am not doing and time just disappears so there doesn't seem to be enough time to do anything.
I'm a mess.

You need to make getting to a GP a priority. Can you fill the form in now and drop it off on the school run?
They really can help.

i just can't believe that being prescribed anti depressants is going to help. or is that what people think when they don't realise that's what they need?

You definitely need some help to help you get the basics done, and there's no shame in that. Many people who suffer from depression and low mood struggle with those day to day things.

What are the barriers to you sending those forms to the GP? Do you have a print out of the form and any proof of address you may need?

There's that phrase that says if you keep doing the same things, don't be surprised if you get the same results. That's what I'm eventually realising at the time. If you could just do it yourself and find a way of getting through it of course you would have done that by now. But a lot of people need some help with things when they are struggling, it's very normal.

If things are very bad now then doing something to try and help can only have a positive effect or no effect at all - either way you haven't lost anything and things could get a lot better. It's always better to have a go.

bellatrixlestrange124 thanks you are right. i have the forms filled, i just needed to find our nhs numbers and return them

Glad you have the forms all filled out Do you know where the NHS numbers are/is that straight forward? Try and plan a time to bring them in as it's so easy to just think "I'll do it sometime in next few days" and then other things come up... you can do it!