I feel trapped in my own body

[sadmommyhere]

Trigger warning. I have a severe physical disability, which is relatively new. I am getting pasted from pillar to post by doctors and they won't take it seriously! I know this is a permanent thing, I've done everything they asked, physio etc which has been cancelled as I was making no progress and in too much pain! taken 3 types of painkillers for two years, in June.

I have ptsd, bpd, anxiety. Depression has gotten worse recently. Due to the pain and anxiety I don't tend to leave the house more than once a month, for doctors appointments.

I feel trapped, I don't want to do this anymore. I feel broken, and I waste of space. I am the shittest mother in the world! I can't do anything for them without being in extreme pain, which is upsetting for them!
I keep wanting to self harm, I have done this often over the years. It's taking everything in me not too.
I keep thinking about cutting my wrists, taking my collection of pills, doing something to get out of this situation!

I'm also very overweight which is making my physical situation a whole lot worse. But I hate myself, I can't stand the way I look, how my body is, my mental health.

I don't want to be me, I want a full body transplant I can't stand me!

Lets start with somethin we can understand easily. What is the physical disability?

I'm sorry it all just came rambling out...

I had severe spd in 3 pregnancys and it's left me with the same symptoms 2 years after my last pregnancy. I am wheelchair dependant, I rely on aids around the house and my husband who has had to give up his career to become my carer because I can't barely do anything without his help. This has all been very hard on him, which makes me feel worse, because I feel I have ruined his dreams and life.

that sounds really tough.

I saw a nlp ( neurolinguistic programming ) therapist for PTSD he used something called Eye Movement Integration ( also known as IEMT ) which was like a magic wand for me. I also know that nlp can be useful for chronic pain (its also used in hospices for pain relief). Just wondring if that is something you may find useful.