What do you do when you're so low you can't see a way out

[Yorkshirebornandbred]

I'm feeling really low. I take ADs but they're not helping .. dose just been increased. I'm a single parent, no family nearby, so going to A&E and telling them I feel suicidal isn't an option. I've no one who can help. No one to talk to at night when it's always too much. Samaritans listen but can't help.

I won't kill myself because I have to be here for my daughter. But I just feel like I'm just getting through each day, just about, then it's nighttime and I'm alone again with my thoughts and no one can help.

What are everyone's coping strategies? What do you do if there's really no one so can help?

How old is your daughter?

I find being proactive about eating well helps me. We all benefit from the improved diet, and I have a focus. I also take Berocca in the tablet (not fizzy) every other day.

I have a notebook and a pile of books, both novels and books on things that interest me (mostly child development) next to my bed. If I have unwanted thoughts, I jot them down to deal with later.

These are just little things, but they help me.

Keep talking to anyone who will listen. I've suffered from depression and anxiety disorders for all of my adult life, it is such a lonely existence.
I find being active during the day helps as I can then sleep at night and have a brief reprieve from my thoughts.
Keep taking the AD's although my experience is that these just mask the symptoms and that counselling/talking therapies are more useful long term.

She's nearly 16.

I try to eat well but then when I feel like this I start eating crisps and chocolate.
I do take a good multivitamin and vitamin d and evening primrose oil.

I try to write down everything that comes into my head when I feel like this. I also make notes so that I don't keep thinking about things.

I can't concentrate on reading.

I've had counseling but again the problem is I feel ok ish during the day often and can't recall these feelings . It doesn't seem real if that makes sense. So everyone thinks I'm fine. But I'm not.

Ah, I was going to suggest getting her involved in something you could help out with, but at 16, I doubt she'd appreciate it!

Your evening routine needs to change doesn't it? How can you see that happening? Is there anything you're interested in doing/learning?

No she wouldn't.

We do go out once a week, but i can barely afford that at the moment. I've been distracting myself by shopping .. trying to buy happiness I guess .. now I'm broke.

I'm not interested in anything at the moment I tried to learn to play the guitar and piano bit I'm just no good at it which depressed me even more.

I'm literally nothing! I do nothing. I can't concentrate even on a film .. just fiddle with my phone all the time.

How long have you been feeling like this? Did something trigger it? I'm sure you would improve at the guitar/piano in time, but I guess you're finding it hard to focus on it?

Do you have a Buddhist 'temple' in your area? They quite often have meditation courses, sounds like you need to give your mind some respite from these thoughts.

I've been depressed on and off for over 15 years but it's bad at the moment.

Yes lots has happened. .. lost a parent, marriage broke up, just started divorce proceedings, current relationship difficult , depressed and anxious teen daughter who is taking gcses but missed a lot of school due to illness. .. vindictive ex husband determined to make my life hell. ..

But it's not just the depression. .. I feel I'm flawed .. just not a nice person. I start arguments with my bf over little things. I'm never happy. .. perpetually bored, seeking drama ... I feel like I'm crying out, look at me, I need sympathy, love .. something

I can't find any meditation nearby. I've tried yoga classes but I start hyperventilating when I'm trying to breath calmly. .. Plus I struggle to go due to social anxiety.

Are you near the coast? Or a river? I like to walk near water. I find it calming

This is a book my psychologist recommended to me. I'm finding it really helpful. Could you borrow a copy from the library?

We could compare thoughts over PM if you're interested. Or just chat about...whatever. Or you can vent. I'm a pretty good listener.

I have a horrible history of chronic depression. It is so, so hard. Yes, it looks from the outside as if nothing is 'wrong', but it's as if there are evil demons buried deep in your brain that come flooding out. Especially at night.

Here are some other random things that have helped me get through the day:

• buying myself really healthy food that I actually like (not punishing diet food)

• getting out in nature to walk or run with headphones

• reading library self-help books, and biographies of people who made good lives or themselves against the odds

• connecting with people for a movie or a coffee. Realising that other people are as lonely as me.

• having a nice pre-bed ritual. Even something as small as always moisturising your whole body after a shower.

I'm sorry I can't offer more useful suggestions, but just know that you are not alone.

Aebj I wish I was near the coast. . I love the sea. But sadly no .. and the only river is muddy and miserable and the paths at the side full of fly tipping.

Koala that would be great thanks.

I'm always on the lookout for a good stuff help book so I'll take a look at that thanks.

Good suggestions. .. running is out of the question for health reasons. I have no friends since moving over a year ago but am trying to join groups - although anxiety often gets in the way again.

Thanks . Sorry you feel this way too. I'm going to try to go to bed and sleep .. just been washing up ... I'll PM you tomorrow if I manage to sleep soon.

Thanks everyone, it helped calm me down writing here and receiving your replies

First off you should pat yourself on the back for posting, reaching out is a positive thing to do. Also congratulate yourself, despite being depressed and feeling flawed you have got your daughter through 16 years of life.
Re meditation I think to an extent it is about recognising the state of your mind at that moment and acknowledging that it is transient, so if and when you feel you are ready it might be worth giving it another go.There are meditation apps like headspace that might help you Yorkshire and Koala offer very good suggestions,.
My daughter is 26 and I have struggled with depression on and off since she was a baby, it is less dominant in my life now. You aren't alone and you are stronger than you realise. Be kind to yourself you derserve ir.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You are going through so much at the moment that these feelings are entirely understandable: give yourself permission to feel that you are in the black hole and concentrate on getting to a place where you can climb out again when things ease up, which, I promise, they will.
If ADs have worked for you in the past, keep going with them. Sure, talking cures are much better in the longer term but you need to be ready for them to work. They won't help until you have some control over the blackness.
In the mean time, as others have said, find little things, however little, that take you out of yourself or help you to switch off or lift the self-loathing even momentarily.
Yy to eating well: it is a small act of self-care which will also help your body to fight the depression. Anything creative is good too: gardening, cooking, crafting, writing, whatever.
Somebody who has worked abroad a great deal said to me once that no one really has a shit life if they're not an African orphan, or words to that effect. While of course it's all relative etc etc, that statement is also kind of true, and remembering it has helped me at times. (That absolutely doesn't mean get a grip and pull yourself together. What I'm trying to say I think is that it can be helpful to remember that life throws all sorts of shit at people, and there will always be some kinds of shit you can be thankful not to have.)
Spring is here. Find a moment to feel the warmth on your skin, to see the new growth, to hear the birds, just to connect with life at its most basic and elemental, and see if, even for the very briefest moment, you can be glad to be part of it.

Thank you .. very wise words

My garden is a tiny yard but I do take great pleasure in seeing the few things I've planted grow. Especially when the sun shines.

I'm trying to write a little, but I don't think I'm a born writer. However I had a terrible first marriage and I find writing it down helps and maybe it'll be a novel one day!

I'm stuck with bad food at the moment .. no money to buy much so I'm emptying the freezer and cupboards But when I've got money I'll try and eat healthier food.

I have the headspace app .. will try to get into it.

I used to bake when I felt down .. but just end up eating it if I do now without greedy ex husband! Causing more self loathing ...

It is a vicious circle OP. The social anxiety stops you from helping yourself. I know the feeling of needing 'something'. You aren't 'flawed', you are you. You sound like you have low self esteem, which perpetuates your feelings of being flawed.

Being a single parent is very hard indeed, pat yourself on the back for that one. I think you need to surround yourself with positive people, to help reinforce your worth. Maybe you argue with your BF because you don't feel worthy of him?

You need to find a focus, something you enjoy in a 'safe' environment. By 'safe' I mean with people who are sincere and genuine. Have you thought about volunteering? A very worthy pastime, helping others makes us feel good about ourselves. If it's outdoors even better.

Good luck OP, and keep posting

Keep in touch, people are here to listen.

Thanks Koala.

Howlong yes you're right I do have low self esteem. My bf isn't a very positive or demonstrative person, which is maybe also causing me problems. I do need constant affirmations, not necessarily spoken, that I'm acceptable - I'm not getting that at the moment.

Funnily enough I've been looking at volunteering but I'm not sure I can face having to do something. And I can't really do much .. outdoors would be difficult at present due to health problems I think. I thought about maybe just trying to find something like a companion for an older person who's not got anyone else, I don't know if that exists. . But then I've read horror stories about people being disliked as it's seen as charity, unwanted intervention. I'll keep looking into it anyway.

Thanks again to all of you. I got two hours sleep and I'm going to curl up on the sofa for an hour now dd's at school.

Do you like colouring in. It's popular so lots of ideas around. A cheap activity you can do anywhere and anytime. If you do it somewhere like the dining room table you might find your daughter joins you.
Or jigsaw puzzles. Another one to put out somewhere, where you and your daughter can dip in and out off when you need to.

Thanks .. I actually bought a jigsaw puzzle in the charity shop recently .. should make a start on it!

I've seen the colouring books .. I'll have a look at them.