Days are fine, suicidal thoughts at night beginning to scare me

[EmilyBronte]

I have been waking up at 3am in a sweat every night for weeks. Now I'm getting scared as the thoughts I am starting to have are verging on the suicidal. I keep thinking of possible ways to do it. I can't honestly think of any other way to make this stop. I've decided to go and see my GP tomorrow, but I just don't know how she can help - I know what is wrong and there is absolutely no way of making it better. DH is trying to help but he doesn't really understand,and in lots of ways makes me feel worse about myself. He has never been good about bigging me up anyway and probably doesn't even realise he's doing it. I don't want to bother him anyway as he has a stressful job and needs his sleep. I am exhausted and emotional, and scared that I'm transmitting all my stress on to DD (9 months). The days are fine (apart from feeling knackered), but I'm starting to dread my 3am wake-up call. I vaguely remember a time when this wasn't normal, and Im' scared that it's becoming so normal that soon I'll not realise that it's not right. Please please help. I'm scared.

Oh Emily... you talked to me when I was feeling awful before, you may remember...

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this.

Please see your GP tomorrow. And tell them just how serious this is. I was suicidal a few weeks ago. Seriously so. I was almost hospitalised and had to beg and promise I was ok. I'm really not sure what to say now... I don't know what could be wrong that can't be sorted out. I don't mean fixed but that you could have help dealing with...

I don't know if you are still there. I'm around for a bit if you are.

x

Of course I remember. How are you now? I was so worried about you! Rang the GP but she has no appointments today, not in tomorrow so I have to wait till Monday. I don't want to see anyone else at the practice cos I don't know them, and I know from experience that the worst thing that could happen is for someone to not handle it well. I can't risk that. What can I do in the meantime? Now it's a beautiful sunny day and I feel fine (although a bit tired), all thoughts gone. But I know I'll be up again at 3 and they'll be there. I can't bear to live my whole life like this!

i think if its possible you would be able to phone the samaritans they at least would be able to listen to you when you are feeling so bad.hope you soon get the help that you need.

Emily, I could tell you that I am fine, but it would be a big fat lie! I'm not too good at all tbh - it varies from day to day... while I am typing, I feel pretty good, almost normal. But last night, I was almost over the edge again. It scares me.

I hope you made an appointment for Monday - I think it is really important that you seek help for this. In the meantime, you need to remember that, no matter how awful things feel at the time, this is just a phase. You know, deep down, that life won't always be like this. When the emotional part of you is ready to give up, please listen to the rational side of you - the one who reminds you that you have a wonderful DD, a future to share with her.

I'll be here at 3am if you need someone to talk to. I can be on msn if that would help... sometimes I just need to be kept busy until the feeling has subsided a little. The samaritans might be good to talk to when you are alone in the middle of the night and scared. I've called them before now...

Please take care x

I'm really sorry to hear that nfsg. Are you focussing on all the good stuff about you? Today has been great, really good, but am winding down for bed now and starting to feel a little anxious. Will definitely go to the GP on Monday. Mummylin thanks for your suggestion, but I've phoned the Samaritans in the past and don't find them helpful. I want them to give me solutions and they don't, they just listen. I know that's what they're there for, and I know they help a lot of people, but I need more. Is there anyone else out there?

It's horrible when you feel anxious about going to bed because you know how bad the night will be. I don't know what to suggest - the ways I cope are not very constructive I'm afraid.

I have also had a situation where I called the Samaritans and found them unhelpful. The next time I phoned them (and I only called them again because I feared for my life and oculd not think of any other option), I just asked if they would talk to me and they did - just rambled away about nothing and it made me feel safer. I don't know if that would help you...

Have you a number for your local crisis team? I don't know if they would be able to help you through the night.

Please take Care. x

Can you force yourself to read? I used to have the most Godawful thoughts at night, and eventually only antiDs helped, but in the interim, reading myself to sleep helped me. I had to FORCE myself though.

every bad thought possible goes through my head at night.... as with colditz i read and read and read..... chic lit (which normally i would'nt touch) because it is light and fluffy!!!!
Good luck, i know exactly where you are coming from and it is not easy is it. The other thing i do to get myself back off to sleep is put the telly on half hour timer lie down get comfortable and really concentrate on what the are saying, usually i am sleeping again before the tv goes off. Does not solve the long term problem but it helps get me through the night.

Emily, have you checked your email recently?

As the Samaritans are there 24 hours you could ring in the night if you wake up and explain you need contacts for practical advice, as well as a listening ear - they can do both, I used to be a volunteer eg there might be good mental health helplines in your area. Do you keep any sort of diary - some people find writing therapeutic when they don't feel understood. I'm so sorry you feel so low.

I hope you sleep well enough tonight to not post on here, but please let us know you are ok...

I expect I'll be around for a while if you are up.

x

Thank you so much for all your advice and support everyone. I did well last night - woke up as usual, but managed to get back to sleep quite quickly because I absolutely FORCED myself not to think! We also went through our wedding photos in the evening (we got married less than a year ago) and it brought back some lovely memories so I felt much calmer when I went to bed. Writing does help Steinermum if I'm not too bleary-eyed, and I found some top trashy TV the other night. Why do these terrible thoughts only come at night? I'm as happy as can be during the day.

I don't know why. That happened to me too. I would be fine all day and go to pieces at night. It would creep up on me in the evening. Maybe because you feel alone?

How about, trying to put yourself to sleep before your dp falls asleep, so you know he is awake and next to you? go to bed really early and ask him to stay awake for 30 minutes until you drop off - a good hot lavender bath and half a nytol might help you too. I think once you catch up on your sleep you stop feeling so shitty anyway. Do go to the doctor. nobody deserves to feel like this.

Emily, how are you today?

I think Colditz's advice sounds good - I know I sometimes used to feel safer if I knew DH was still awake. That probably won't help you in the middle of the night as I know you don't want to disturb your DH. It does sound as though you are doing really well coping with all this. I know how awful it is.

Hang on in there, won't you?

And {{hugs}} for all of us.

I think we deserve them.

I hadn't thought of that but might see if it works. I have no problems going to sleep though, it's just that 3am wake-up call. Although amazingly I slept through till 6 this morning and felt so excited when I woke up and realised it wasn't dark! I have also felt completely different today as a result. So fingers crossed I've reached a turning point. I was beginning to dread going to bed. Problems and bad memories are just magnified at night and there seems to be no solution.

I liked the hugs. We should have more of them! {{{{{}}}}}}