I don't know what to do 😢

[CrazyCatMum]

Everything is too much, can't breath, can't stop shaking, feel sick.

I'm really struggling to be here and it feels like everytime I try and reach out for help it doesn't work out.
I can't speak to males on the phone and it always seems to be them that phone or answer the phone to me, I clam up,
Out of hours cpn only have 1 female cpn on tonight and she's busy and probably will be busy for the rest of the night but if I want to try and phone back again she might be available but it's doubtful oh and am I safe, no I'm not oh well try phoning later
I'm done with it

Spent half an hour crying in the dentist making someone else late for their appointment
I'm so useless at this, need to get a grip but I can't.
I'm seeing things again, feeling them crawl all over me

I can't cope with anything, it's just too much I just need it to stop, it's too noisy and sad in my head 😢😢😢

I'm just so tired of it always being a struggle I just for once wish it could be easy, not all the time just once.
I have no energy for what feels like even the simplest of things.
I have to pick up my prescription today, I'm only allowed 1 weeks worth because I can't be trusted with any more.
Tried to explain to the crisis team this morning but I ended up talking about my cat.
Fell out with my son because he won't come to the vets with me can't get a hold of anyone else to come with me and the car needs to be seen but as usual no one will help.
I'm so done with everything and everyone 😢😢😢

catmum I think ziggy is right, its not a matter of getting things right or wrong right now, its a matter of surviving, riding the storm, and you are doing this. One day at a time you are getting through this. Whats up with your cat? Mines been really poorly recently which was a huge worry, but hes better now.

The cats got a chest and eye infection and a tummy bug, feel so bad for him I didn't pick up on it sooner. Am angry at my son for leaving me to take him myself knowing I struggle with it.
I know he's pissed off that he has to help sometimes and for the most part I don't ask anyone for help because I'm scared they will say no and if the past few weeks have shown me I have been right to worry.
I feel so paranoid, it's hard to work out what's real in my head, what's real out of my head and what's just not real and I don't even know if it makes sense it's like my head speaks a different language to the rest of my body and I can't understand any of it.

That sounds really scary catmum I've not experienced that myself, but DH suffers with psychosis, so I think I understand what you mean. I'm gladyou managed to get your kitty to the vet. Thats a huge achievement, and he will be on the mend soon now.

Phone out of hours cpns tonight and there was no females available so was told to speak to the male nurse, it was horrible, he didn't listen to anything I said, kept dismissing me, when I told him I wanted to end my life he didn't say very much, thn said I had a lot of support so to call them in th morning.

I'm not sure what to take from that phone call, my head tells me h has just reinforced what I think and that's that I'm an inconvenience to everyone and I shouldn't be here.

I just don't see the point anymore 😭

Hi Crazycatmum
I am here.
I have had depression for many years and have been in some dark places so can relate to a lot of your posts. It's difficult to struggle so hard to survive each day and not get the support you need and deserve. I hope there is someone there tomorrow who is of more help.
In the meantime I am here if you would like to talk.

catmum I think unfortunately that phonecall indicates an overstretched MH service where he just doesn't have anything additional to offer. I don't think its any reflection on you. How are you doing today?

I'm really struggling tonight, I can't stop crying, panicking and being sick.
My head hurts so much I want to run away from it all it's all to hard to do this thing called life.

I'm constantly on guard worried I will say the wrong the wrong thing and upset people so instead I retreat from the world to where i think I'm safe, safe from causing damage to other people.
It's hard to work out what is the right response and what is the wrong response when most of the time all I want to do is rip people's heads off so I say nothing and turn it in on myself it just feels a mess 😭

I don't think thetrs a right or wrong thing to say or way to be right now. If anyone does get upset by you thats their problem not yours. What would happen if you gave yourself the same respect you are giving others? It sounds like you need to put yourself and your own needs first right now.

And that's the bit I struggle with I don't deserve to put myself first, I don't feel worthy enough of it.
I'm so used to being hurt that it becomes second nature,
I keep getting reminded that my kids come first, my needs don't matter, I feel like I'm going round in circles trying to pick the right path.

My son is away for the next week with his dad so I'm home alone with the 🐱 and I'm scared, I don't feel safe don't want to feel safe but I'm confused.
I hate what they have made me become but I don't know any different.

I think that by putting yourself and your own needs first and becoming a happier healthier person you are also helping your kids. Firstly because if you are happier they will be happier. Secondly the kids will learn from seeing you look after yourself and your health how to look after their own mental health better. So you could say that learning to put yourself first is something important you can do for your kids too.

Glad you have your kitty, they are wonderful company.

I hear what you're saying it's just so hard, I've never been first, always an inconvenience, whether it be my ex, my parents, and what feels like my kids.
When you're brought up to not matter and it carries on into adulthood it's a hard thing to break because it feels so normal.
If I ever dared try put myself first my ex would shoot me down in flames, get the kids to go along with him so it was best and safer to say and do nothing 😭

I understand why its so hard. Is there something little that you could do for yourself as a starting point. Its going to take time to break the habbits of a lifetime. Little steps one at a time.