Shyness/Social Anxiety

[starz78]

I have always been shy and was diagnosed years ago when I left my uni course as having social anxiety, basically I find it really hard to talk to people in certain situations and its got worse since having my two boys. I avoided mum and toddler groups and now my eldest is at school I find it really difficult going to drop him off at school and wait in the playground til he goes in. It seems like all the other mums are all matey. I have tried chatting now and again but somedays it feels too hard to do it. My sons birthday is soon and I am dreading it which sounds awful. The thought of all the other mums there is filling me with panic already!
I see friends who havn't got children but the rest of the time I stay in and just see family. I feel like a total failiure and just want to feel normal and not depressed over this.

Sorry to hear you're so unhappy. Please don't feel bad, it's hard at the best of times to "break in" to these friendship groups. I moved here 4 years ago when DS was in receiption, and I remember how hard the first year was, as people already had their friends.

Has your DS made friends with anyone in particular - could you perhaps invite him to play, ask his mum along too for a cuppa, and maybe just get to know one or two of the mums a bit better on a one-to-one basis like that? It would be a good start, and whilst you might not click with every one of them, it might just help you to get started, and feel that you have a friendly face to speak to in the playground. If you meet someone you really like, you could try a bit of lunch, or a shopping trip, build on it from there.

Can you maybe plan something more low key than a full-blown party for DS's birthday, keep it manageable for you?

Message withdrawn

Thanks for your replies
Fruittea,re party my mum has organised it all and its all paid for. I was even thinking of going to work to avoid going,but how bad is that?! Its my sons birthday (blush)(mellowma it is my speciality to avoid situations (grin)
I have spoke to a few mums but I find it so HARD Ds had a friend over a week ago but his mum is always with different mums in the playground and is hard to talk to daily.
I hate being shy. I would love to be at ease and chat away like everyone else without worrying what others thought of me.

Do you think you could keep trying though? I mean in terms of inviting friends round, and asking their mums in too? Unless you go for total avoidance, it's probably the gentlest way you can get to know some of them. It won't happen overnight, but if you keep plugging away at it, gradually you will feel more comfortable around these people.

Are you getting any help with your problems?

Starz78 hi sorry to hear you are having issues. I was also diagnosed with social phobia/anxiety about 20 years ago and have been on beta blockers ever since. No one would believe me in RL (nobody knows only DH and my sister) as socially I appear to be the life and sole. Always chatting and laughing with everyone. I had to attend some sessions at a hospital in London which really helped which was Cognitive type therapy. You had to grade yourself on how you were feeling and then you had to do tasks which you were usually frightened of until the anxiety decreased. I must say it really worked and now I do know that if I stay in a situation where I am scared/anxious and not avoid, the feelings will go away. Have you read 'Feel the Fear and do it anyway' by Susan Jeffers, really good book. Please try to get some help, I know it's difficult but you never know what will work for you and your life will be so much fuller in the long run. Keep posting to let us know how you are doing.
XX

Thanks

Fruittea, I took your advice and spoke to one of ds friends mum today and have arranged for ds to go for tea at her house, I felt really nervous and kept thinking she would think I was acting strange because I was talking ten to the dozen as I was so nervous! I am forcing myself to pick ds up from school more (usually dp does it) but I usually get there late so i don't have to stand round to long. My anxiety does lessen but then the next day it starts all over again. I feel nackered and depressed a lot

Flowertop, I have tried Seroxat,Cipramil and Fluxotine and they did help the shyness but the side effects were awful. At the moment I am trying St Johns Wort, have only been taking it a few days but feel a lot less anxious. I know what you mean about RL, at work I can hide my shyness and also when I go on a night out (red wine helps, lol).
I really want to sort my shyness out as I am doing an OU course at the moment and havn't been to one tutorial as my nerves are so bad. I keep thinking that when i finally get my degree I won't be able to actually use it!
I have thought about going to counselling but am not sure how to go about it, do i ask my GP? Will see if library has book you mentioned.

x

Hi I also take Fluoxetine since DS2 was born he is now 6. I find that it really helps with me deal with paranoid thoughts. Social anxiety and paranoia, how lucky am I! I think you need to ask GP about Counselling but in my experience you do need a GP who understands these issues or they just plonk you with anyone. I was lucky to have a really sympathetic GP who had an interest in mental Health. I found that I had to find out about the counselling i.e. I read an article about someone attending the Maudsley Hospital in London for cognitive therapy (I was desparate!) and then ask my GP to refer me. If I'm honest I think what has really helped me is the beta blockers as they control my systems when anxious and I can rise above the anxiety. My problem is that I will probably be on them for life which is quite sad.

starz78 and everyone,

How comforting to read that other people feel the same. I have always had problems with "small talk" and breaking into conversations. It seems to have got worse as I have got older. I think being a mother is tough for even the most extrovert at times. Sometimes you feel on show and as if people are judging you. Some mothers can be really competitive over their children. I managed to chat at the school gates and did see some people - it is hard if everyone seems to know each other. Think you just have to take small steps as advised. I still make my friends through work, but have to admit to feeling more isolated now my dd has gone to 2dary school. Think I am also going through the loss of her being a little girl and getting much more independent. They need you less, I suppose.

Don't feel guilty if you can't get on with everyone. After all, just because you all have children, doesn't mean you are automatically friends. It is hard, because you can't go out and make your own friends so easily because you always have to put your children and their needs first. Starz78, I think you are being very brave to make the first move and try. A lot of us find parties and large gatherings difficult - myself for one !!

Hi, I was really interested to read this thread as I have been talking about this exact thing on mumsnet yesterday. I was just wondering how starz78 in particular was feeling now? Her experiences with social anxiety almost mirror my own. It really can be the most debilitating illness and totally stops you enjoying life. I really hope she is feeling better and finding ways to cope.

It's nice to know we aren't alone. I symapthise, Starz, with you and everyone who's posted here.

I've always been sooo shy right from a little girl and it doesn't make life easy. I do force myself to 'have a go' at being social and have, at times purposely put myself into terrifying situations in an attempt to 'cure' my shyness - eg I once became a party plan seller for a jewellery company - standing up in front of a room of complete strangers and waffling on about how wonderful their tacky range of trinkets was - I don't think it really did anything for me in terms of curing my shyness - I did feel quite proud I'd had a go, but at the end of the day all i did was overanalyse myself, came to the conclusion that I must have looked a right charlie and ended up feeling even worse about myself. But it did teach me that I am who I am, as much as I wish I was as confident & outgoing as Davina McCall, I'm not, I'm never going to hold an audience in the palm of my hand & that's that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is no-one's expecting you to wow them with your witty repartie - just chat about whatever makes YOU comfortable and don't analyse it and wonder what they think of you. What you have to say is worth listening to and most normal people are happy to chat about the weather & what you did yesterday - be a little more accepting of who you are & be proud of who you are - I have made the mistake of analysing myself in every social situation & it does you no good.

It's such a shame that some narrow minded people put us in boxes are so unforgiving if we aren't thin, sexy & sassy, a yummymummy or a sparkling conversationalist. Believe in yourself - I used to go around with a group of really confident girls & I was the shy one in the background. One lad took a particular dislike to me and always taunted me for being boring as I didn't really say a lot. One night, I'd had enough so i kneed him in the balls & chucked a pint of lager over his head - I thought, what right have you got to judge me, I was upset and outraged - it taught me that anyone who had a problem with who I was was the one with the problem, not me.....it is hard being shy, but there are much worse things to be. LOL with the party - go girl!!!

sympathise with everyone here.... the worst thing for me was as a child (in a very unshy household) being told that i was 'ignorant' because if anyone i didn't know came to the house, i'd instantly go upstairs. all through my time at uni, i didn't talk into tutorials, and when i had one-on-one's with tutors, they tended to assume i didn't know anything.

as for kid's parties, i'd go with the other suggestion of having a few close friends, and making it something that you can only do with a few kids, i.e bowling, or cinema.

I'm so glad a I found this thread, it's reassuring to hear others experiences and makes me feel less alone with my shyness. I have always been quiet and inclined to be shy especially amongst large groups of people, but pushed myself through the shy barrier to become a teacher. I moved to a new area a few months ago and am finding it very difficult to get to know people. It seems at toddler groups and the school gates that everyone knows each other and I just don't know how to start conversations. I've been going to a toddler group for a while but I think it does me more harm than good as I feel so unacknowleged and sometimes come away feeling worse. I wonder if any of us self-confessed shy people live anywhere near each other? I am in North Essex.

Thanks for more replies to my initial post, its nice to know I am not alone!

Saffycat, I live in Cheshire which is a bit far away unfortunately Would love to meet other mums in the same boat as me.

To be honest my social anxiety has not got any better. I have tried but it takes all my energy to try and be "normal". Even tonight when the kids were coming around trick or treating with their parents I was wondering how I came across to them.

Me and my dp have split up recently and this has brought home to me how my shyness limits my life as I relied on him a lot for support and now its just me.

Just today I went to pick ds1 up from school and stood in the playground on my own. I feel like I have left it too late to break into their group. I feel so crap about myself and I don't know why. When I am with my old friends (pre kids) I am my old self. I found out that all the other mums from ds1s class went on an evening out together and I felt like I was at school again, being the quiet one who no one invites to things. I am nearly 30 but in my head feel more like an embarassed teenager sometimes.

Flowertop, I am thinking of going to my GP. I have been in the past when I was younger and was given Seroxat but I found the side effects too hard to carry on with. I am thinking of taking St Johns Wort as I have heard this can alleviate depression so maybe this would lift my mood.

Mammabelleboo, its not that I feel I have to be witty and confident all the time, its like I imagine I am coming across to others as odd or socially inept. I have some good friends who I can be myself with but at work and with new people I find it really hard.

Whitecloud, thanks for your reply, I think you are right about trying with small steps.

I am also worried at the mo about my Ds1 who is 5 as he only has one best friend and because this friend has been off ill he said he has no one to play with as "no one likes me". I feel like history is repeating itself Ds2 takes more after his dad and is the life and soul of the party so maybe its genetic!

I have name changed from Starz by the way!

oh god yes. just dropping DS off at nursery can feel stressful, worrying that the staff think I'm weird/look scruffy, and being unable to make small talk with them. TBH I am a bit odd and socially inept which doesn't help matters.

Hello have been reading some of your messages and I feel better knowing Im not the only one in this situation. Not only do I suffer from anxiety in the playgroun but I feel I make as many enemies as friends. I dont mean to but just must give off wrong signals does anybody else feel like this.

Playgrounds, toddler groups, all full of cliquey mums who are not at all friendly . The problem is these are people you woouldn't have met if you didn't have kids. On strong days i think celebrate your oddity and be proud to be different. The way i cope with it is just to concentrate on my children in these situations they are great friends and shelter from the storm!

Yes maybe I feel more anxious now because there are so many mums all in the same place. I know you cant get on with everyone but the difficulty is once some ones on your radar its very hard to not see them. How do you approach some one who is not likely to say hello without appearing to be rude yourself. I aways feel very self conscious so I cant just be normal.

Yes maybe I feel more anxious now because there are so many mums all in the same place. I know you cant get on with everyone but the difficulty is once some ones on your radar its very hard to not see them. How do you approach some one who is not likely to say hello without appearing to be rude yourself. I aways feel very self conscious so I cant just be normal.

I hate picking ds2 up from nursery too. I try and think of interesting things to say as all the other mums seem to chat away to the staff.

Manchita, I do sometimes feel it is good to be different as I am creative and a good friend so I suppose shyness isn't all negatives! My children do force me to get out there and do things and tell me I am a good mum so I can't be that bad, lol.

I think I find smalltalk hard, when I know someone well I chat away easily but with the other mums I can't think what to say.

Does anyone find they have days where they don't feel as shy? I have some days where I feel on top of the world and really sociable then the next I feel self conscious just buying something at the checkout in Tesco

Yeah,I get those days bits,the looking at the floor so I don't have to have the contact with anyone days *sighs

I have always found it extremely difficult to start a conversation but found it pretty easy once some talks to me,also fret if I have to make calls-almost have to build myself up to it and usually get tongue tied because I'm so self concious etc.

Having a crud time with social anxiety at the mo as ds has started school and I'm not moving past the smiles and polite Hi's at the moment-all the parents seem to have move on to the next stage of small conversation while waiting to pick up children.

Oh and I'm rubbish at eye contact so probably look shifty or snooty

I got referred for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy through my GP a few years back and it has really helped me get through situations without turning bright red and having to run off!! So can recommend that.

I don't seem to have an urge to socialise like some folk do as I like being alone but I have come to realise that if I don't, it gets harder and harder and I feel worse and worse about myself. I feel most confident when I've been speaking to other people (even if I found it hard and couldn't think what to say)rather than sitting on my own and stewing!

Think the annoying thing about this is that people like us would probably get along well with each other only we're all too shy to start up a friendship!!