I work on an inpatient psychiatric ward so it was an eye-opener to be on the other side of things. I hope it will allow me to be a better nurse and empathise with my patients. (although we rarely get anyone in with diagnosed PD/BPD)
I'm glad of this diagnosis, I used to think I was 'mad' or 'stupid' due to some of my emotional outbursts. I've been called 'dramatic' so many times by my family, especially my mum. I used to think I was 'unhinged'.
It helps to know that actually, I do have a recognised disorder because that means I can now get the help I need to not allow my strong emotions to overwhelm me.
I had a difficult childhood, sexually abused by a baby sitter which my parents never involved the police. My cousins were sexually abused leading to my parents temporarily fostering them. My Nan was an alcoholic and my sister and I were often sent round hers to sleep as my parents did shifts. She'd get so shit-faced she scared us, she'd be screaming and crying, one of us would have to sleep in her bed with her whilst the other one slept on the floor. We'd argue over who had to sleep in her bed because she would wet herself in the night and you'd wake up covered in urine. In the day she was a totally different person, a nice Nanny, but in the night once she got the sherry out...my God you knew it!
6 weeks after she died my lovely Father died of pancreatic cancer. It was so quick. One minute he was ok, 6 weeks later he was dead. At his funeral his sister had a breakdown and accused my Grandad (Dad's Dad) of sexually abusing them as children. Sadly this turned out to be true so we never saw Dad's parents again because Mum was understandably angry and it would have meant social services involvment. As far as I can remember he never touched me or my sister though.
After all this trauma my Mum became an alcoholic and basically left me and my sister to bring ourselves up.
Understandably as a teenager I was wild! At 13 I was going out with a 24 year old man, so I guess I was sexually abused by him too although it didn't feel like it at the time.
The psychiatrist got all of this out of me, and more, but said this explains my current state of mind. I have chronic trust and abandonment issues and sadly my partner of 6 years can no longer cope with it all.
Don't get me wrong, I am high functioning, I am a mother, I have a good job, the BPD only manifests in my relationships due to my jealousy and fear of abandonment.
The funny thing is I hardly ever think about my past, I always think 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' but I guess my past has been slowly creeping up on me asking to be resolved.
WE MUST THINK POSITIVE!!
Sorry for over-sharing but it really helps, I don't share half of this stuff with people in real life!!