Can anyone help with questions re: attachment disorder?

[Prole]

Talking about myself. Aged 50 and realised this is my problem. Since I have no family, partner or friends - I'm not sure how to proceed. Add to the mix rape, torture and attempted murder (towards me, not by me!) it all seems too much of a mess to resolve.

Previous counselling hasn't really got me very far so any bright ideas gratefully received.

Sick you're not necessarily giving your daughter an attachment disorder because of what you described. We don't need to have perfect primary attachment figures to have secure attachment, we need them to be "good enough". Maybe there's a way to help her give you the time alone (TV!) but it's not all bad because you need space after spending time with her or because you get angry at her (especially if you can apologise).
You really don't have to be a "perfect mother".

Pete Walker's site is a really good resource for Complex PTSD, which is the likely adult correlate of attachment disorder in childhood. www.pete-walker.com/

Might also be worth finding out if your local NHS MH services have something along the lines of a Complex Depression, Anxiety and Trauma team (terminology will vary from area to area).

If something like that does exist in your area and if you can get your GP to refer you,then you should be able to get an assessment by a psychiatrist with a specialist understanding of the issues involved, and they may also be able to refer you to psychotherapy or other services that your GP wouldn't be able to access directly. Long-term NHS psychotherapy does exist, but not in all areas, and accessing it can be a bit of a labyrinth.

If you can find a specialist service near you then it will make all the difference, because the people staffing it will be skilled at working with people who have been damaged by their childhood experiences, and will be able to contain and engage with the complex ways that people with that background present, rather than react badly to it in the way that less-experienced staff will tend to do.

Thank yOu Levantine. I always apologise later and I always say to her that I regret being so sharp with her and that my need for time to withdraw is not a rejection of her. I always say this. But then the next time, she never gives me the 15 minutes space I crave and I can never just ride out that need for quiet and ignore it by keeping on listening to and responding to her endless chatter. Anyway, thank you, that does make me feel better.

Hi again.

I have my list of therapists from PODS but will telephone them as guilty suggests. effzeh I will go back to my GP (always a locum) and enquire. Between the NHS and PODS I think I can get something on the go.

Thank you again for the replies. I don't regret anything I've written but do feel embarrassed so don't have much more to add at the moment.

Actually I'll throw this question out: the gender of the therapist isn't relevant as they're professionals? Am I being naive? Do I have an apparent need for, say , a male over a female?

(The time of this post might indicate my odd working hours. I should have finished 5 hours ago.)

I think gender can make a difference if you are more comfortable with one over the other.

For longer-term psychodynamic or similar therapy the gender of the therapist will definitely be relevant, as it will affect the nature of the transference in the relationship.

Many women who have been subjected to gendered violence will have a preference for a female therapist, but it's very individual. Obviously via NHS you may have less choice of therapist, but any service offering depth psychology will be aware that the relationship between patient and therapist is crucial, and that things like the gender and age of the therapist are likely to affect the nature of that relationship.

Op

How about you stop looking back and start looking forward?

There is no magic formula to counteract your experiences in your younger years and at your age I would say it's time to let go of all the hurt and anger as your experiences have defined you far too much and not in a good way by what you are saying.

It is time to get on google and look up city Socializer or meetup.

Dont overthink these things. Thinking can be very detrimental at times!!!

You are the only barrier to the things you crave.

The therapists cannot wave a magic wand.

You need to take that first step.

QuiteLikely5

Do you have personal experience of complex PTSD or a history of traumatic child abuse?

The notion that this kind of background can be magically got over by thinking positive and going out to meet people is at best insulting, and at worst dangerous.

OP is just starting to unpick a history of complex trauma, and is highly likely to benefit from specialist help with that. If it was as simple as 'go out and meet new people' I'm sure she would have done that a while ago.

Hi Prole

The gender of the counsellor only matters to you, it's not for anyone to decide.

Also I'de like to say please don't stress over you possibly being belligerent shouty or sweaty,
It's a coping mechanism and will be recognised as so. The type of training required to counsel abuse survivors surpasses your bulk standard 6 weeks of CBT type training.

Be assured when you have interviewed and found one you are safe with, there is nothing you cannot say or explore, there is not a lot they have not heard or dealt with. The process could be long and hard, but you have had 50yrs of this shit, maybe it's time for a change 🤔

SWEARY not sweaty bloody autocorrect 😡

Perhaps I haven't explained myself well.

I have had previous stints of therapy for what was deemed to be depression. As I've now realised my problem is more related to disassociation, I'm looking to return to therapy with that perspective.

The gender issue - I was abused by men and women which is why I didn't have a 'natural' choice. That said, I think I will pursue a male therapist for reasons given earlier.

(The Vanessa George case did reinforce my perception that wider society has trouble accepting that women abuse.)

Quitelikely - wouldn't it be dandy if it really were that simple! I have pursued your suggested route already but will let you decide how successful that was.

guilty - thank you again for an encouraging post. Obviously I'm not looking to be shouty but will less concerned about that possibility.

Feeling far more positive than when I first posted; many thanks to you all - even quitelikely! Now to find a suitable therapist. Some of the addresses are in Harley Street - eek!

Can I just say that you have no reason to be embarrassed by what you've written or to apologise. You write very well and are not coming across as whiney at all and even if you were, so what! That's what this space is for - to let loose every now and then!

Some adult children of friends who had attachment disorder as children have been diagnosed with ptsd and borderliness personality disorder as adults. Maybe researching this will bring you more hits as I believe this is a more common adult diagnosis than attachment.