I don't want to be alive anymore

[Nomoreofthisplease]

Just that really. Been struggling with depression for a while. I've got a beautiful 8 month old. I go between thinking he would be better off without me and he would be bereft. I love my baby and my husband but I don't want to be here anymore.

Losing it recently. Get so full of rage sometimes especially if the baby is being difficult, I get scared I'm going to hurt him. Sometimes it's in my head so vividly and it makes me shudder.

God, I love my baby so much. I love my husband so much. I'm scared.

Please contact the Samaritans as soon as you can if you feel in danger, just so you are safe in the short term. And if you are not already working through this with your GP and other health professionals please let them know so they can also help you. And please know you will get through this - as someone who has been in the tunnel and thought there was no light at the end, and then finally saw it and is now out in the bright sunshine wondering how I ever felt that way. Depression is not natural or permanent, it's a mixture of hormones, circumstances, the ups and downs of life making you feel this way. This isn't how you will feel forever and you have so much happiness and joy to come I promise.

. He needs you OP. Wake your husband up and chat, and book a doctor's appointment. He wouldn't be better off without you.

You are his world - as pps say please talk to someone now and you are poorly but this can be fixed - this isn't you...

OP please wake your husband and talk this thru with him.
Do it now .

Nomore I understand how shit you feel but this is temporary. Just take it day by day. You will get through this. Please hang on in there. Speak to DH and tell him how you honestly feel. You are not the only person who has felt this way

You're not alone OP. Suicidal feelings and worries of harming loved ones are common things that people can experience, they are symptoms, they're not you.

Your GP or your health visitor can help you, they can get you support to feel better. It might feel like things can never get better - that is a symptom as well, it doesn't mean it's true.

Here are some MIND pages on suicidal feelings and perinatal mental health that might be useful to you, and also PANDAS foundation are an organisation who specifically provide support for perinatal mental health concerns, they have a phone helpline, email support and real life support groups. As a PP said Samaritans are there 24/7 if you need someone to talk to in the middle of the night, they offer text 07725909090 and email support [email protected] as well as the phone line.

Keep posting here if you want to as well - there are a lot of people who have been through this. Help and support are there for you and you can get better .

It's incredibly hard having a new child for anyone, but you can get help. Please look at the links other posters have posted and talk to your husband.

No More,
Have you slept?

Hey everyone. Thanks for the responses. I did manage to sleep after posting this, I think getting it out helped. I am under medical care and trying to get help, the problem is that I'm not able to access counselling on the NHS due to a history of domestic abuse (previous relationship) - the person assessing said what NHS could offer isn't sufficient. I need to try and find out what's available to me outside of NHS, she did give me some info but it's hard to chase.

My husband is aware I'm not great, though I tend to play it down. I probably need to stop doing that really.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.