My mother depresses me

[lemonysnickett]

Have just come back from my mothers house. She has managed to depress me yet again. She has always made me feel inadequate..not as pretty or as cldever as my older sister..to the point where she favours my sisters children over my own. I am from a large family and we all know that my older sister is my mothers favourite. Now i find that she took some photos of my two sisters weddings with her on a recent trip abroad to visit family...she left out photos of my wedding. She has a picture of my sisiters graduation in the living room at home and not one of me. It might sound silly and petty but it really hurts sometimes..i sometimes wonder how my children will feel when they are old enough to understand that my mother thought so little of me. I don't want them to feel hurt on my behalf. This has been somthing i have lived with and i feel i have got over..but coming back from my mothers today, i felt quite tearful and hurt. I wish i could have amore healthy approach...but some things really do hurt. To make things worse it is affecting my self esteem and i do not think i am attractive. I am really beginning to hate my mother. I cannot believe she can be so obvious in her favoritism...i would never do this to my children..how cold and heartless can you be?

How hurtful Lemony.
Hav you discussed it with her or other family members?

Have discussed her with all my other siblings at one time or another and at times my mother has been confronted about this favouritism. She denies it but it is always very clear. there are countless examples of it..to an extent have become used to it but sometimes it surprises me how hurt i feel. I am tempeted to confront her but i feel she will just deny it...sometimes i wonder if anyone made her feel like this at some stage in her life. I know my grandmother seemed to favour my aunt over my mother.
I try not to take it personally and realise it is her problem..but at the same time we are supposed to get our sense of self worth from our parents...she has made me feel awful so many times...i cannot honestly say i love her at times.

I can well believe it Lemony.
If it was me,I wouldn't bother with her.
I find that sort of favouritism unforgivable.
Would also insist on explanation for pictures of only the chosen few up on the wall.

oh lemony, that must be so hard. In a way I understand where you're coming from, favouritism obvious in DH's family (his sister is totally favoured by his parents). I get so burningly angry on Dh's behalf...

what you say does not sound silly or petty,it sounds very hurtful indeed. I know you feel she would deny it if it was raised with her...I guess she would feel on the defensive, so would leap to denying a problem...do you think you want to raise it in some way, or would that just make you more upset?

i always think a letter is a good way to go with these delicate matters; the thing with a letter is that she wouldn't have you in front of her, so no feeling that she would have to leap to her own defence....and at least you would know you had said what you want to say without being interrupted, or getting flustered and forgetting to say stuff....

and fwiw, you should give yourself a HUGE pat on the back for being a wonderful mum who is doing a fantastic job of dealing fairly with your own kids, despite this history of favouritism in your family

you have my sympathies lemony. my dad has two other children (one with his wife and one she had already, i believe he adopted her when she was very young). he has never taken any interest in me at all, has never had any pictures of me in his house. i see him about twice a year. this last year he forgot both of my kids birthdays (his first grandchildren). when i was younger he would tease me by coming in from work and saying "where's my favourite daughter" before picking my (then) baby sister up.

my mother also has little interest in me, has never had any pictures up, has never told me i did anything well or that she's proud of anything i've done, she puts me down at every opportunity. she has no other kids and no excuse. it doesn't matter how old you are, it bloody hurts.

Nightowl....

What a bastard.

Lemonysnicket, my sympathies...as a good freind advised me once, there comes a time to except and realize your parents are fucked up.
My mother left the country the second i turned 18..came back when i was 9 months pregnant and has been around a total of 8 months ish since dd was born. She constantly says that she needs to live her own life (understand this) and when a child hits 18 a parent has no responsabiliaty for them (do not understand this) and when i was younger used to tell me she resnted the fact i had been born as i had depreived her from a life.
I totaly understand the pain you feel from not feeling particularyly loved, it doesn't matter how old you are, i still have fantisies of a devoted and loving moum and dad.
Nightowl, you parents could be mine!
My parents divorced when i was five, my father made regulary trips to see me, but hen remarried, i went to see him once a year but generaly, he made no contact, no phone calls. Step mother had 2 children of her own and then had 2 more with my dad. I remeber going to spen Christmas with them when i was 12...stepkids and half brother and sister had a sackfuk of prezzies eah..i got some cheap boots smelly stuff. Father still rarely makes conatct even tho now i live 2 miles from him, but every 6 months or so calls to threaten suicide or to tell me he is drowing in debt.
Worried me sick very time.
Until i was 18 he was on this enourmous pedistal..at 25 i am still getting used to him being waaay below.
BUT it all still hurts. Alot. There are some things you don't get over, being essentaily rejected or treated unlivingly by someone who is supposed to love you unconditainaly is definatly one of them.

Love to you both

Um..should have read Sackfull (seriously embarressing typo!) and btw neither parent had pics of me in their houses but father had loads of pics of stepkids and his and new wifes kids. This hurt each time i visted them.

Such sad stories. My mum was not loved by her mother, (my gran) never had a hug or a kiss as a child, no love. I am fortuante that my mum is loving to me as I am sure you all are to your own children and loved ones.

Sometimes to go without ensures you appreciate what you can give. Please dont be upset, but give twice as much to those who appreciate your love.

Thank you so much for all your honesty and being able to identify with my situation. I think we can all relate to one another on the level of feeling unloved or less than adequate. the photgraph thing seems to be a common thing..it means a lot when you do not see them of yourself and yor children. We lived abroad for a while and my when my daughter was born i sent photos to my mum. We came back to the uk to find not one of the photos had been put up. My sister went to live abroad and my mother went to buy frames for them on the day they arrived! as i said in my previous thread, i have countless examples of this inconsiderate treatment.
I have jsut been talking with my husband about this whole thing and have decided i will confront her about it. I will go in from the angle of how whe would like it if my grandmother had shown favouritism to my aunts children over my siblings. how would my mother feel if she went through some of the situations i have endured? I think put in this context she might actually realise how awful it would be for her.
I feel i have lived with it long enough and have nor brought it up directly with her in fear of hurting her..but now i really feel she needs to know and i need to get it off my chest.Sometimes if feel there is a lot of misplaced anger where this is concerned...i just need to off load.
thank you all so much..i think you are wonderful...we must congratulate ourselves on being good parents and by this i mean simply not having favourites.

Don't be surprised if she is defensive and I expect she will make 101 excuses for herself. Hope it works out for you.

hope you're ok lemony. one of the hardest things for me still (and in a very childish way i guess) is the feeling of being so alone, and wondering why it seems that neither of my parents really care about me that much...it makes me wonder what i do wrong. i've tried to tell my dad but he just laughs it off, i've tried to tell my mum but she gets angry and ends up making me feel like crap, because apparently i shouldn't make her unhappy by telling her how i feel. i really hope you get better results. such a shame many of us feel like this, i dont understand parents like this and never will, i adore both of my children and could never choose between them.

lemony, firstly your post made me feel so sad for you.
I was wondering how your siblings behave, when they see her do this. Are they on your side in a 'honestly Mum, what are you like, not having a pic of lemony..'ha ha ha

or do they feel embarased or do they think youre making a big deal out of nothing?

I cant believe no one has taken her to task over this.

It took me a yhear of counselling to cvome to terms with the fact that my mother was never going to be the mother I wanted. It was a very hard lesson to learn but I am glad I did it. I still see her and speak to her and no one else would know that things are any different, but inside I feel totaly different about our relationship and can deal with it so much better.

Having read your last message nightowl, i am beginning to realise the comfort there is in knowing that you will never be like this with your own children. That makes you a better mother than your own.
They are so hurtful but we have to try to think about our own lives and how we can make them better. What must have happened in the lives of our parents to make them so cold?
I have on and off read self help books to get myself through difficult times ...one of them called the power of now by someone called Eckhart.
I have also used the Paul Mkenna CD: Change your life in 7 days...a tall order i know but some of the subliminal messages are do work and help build self esteem.
The most hurtful thing is how they are with the children...i think we imagine that all children have devoted grandparents but from my experience it seems grandparents can be quite childish at times..no one has the perfect situation..whether it is grandparents in law or their own.
Let us try to move forward and make the most of the good things in our lives.
You are not alone...there are many of us in the same boat as you. We just have to try to deal with it and make sure our children are happy.

sorry, just realise I never finished my post (got distracted on msn!). But what I meant was, it is possble to overcome these hurt feelings etc

furcoatandnoknickers i have probably not been ver clear...my mother has one favourite out of 6. the others do not really hold the same position as one of my sisters..i feel it more because i am the one younger than my sister. the others seem to deal with it a lot better although my oldest sis did go to my mothers house and basically tell her a few home truths..ie that she favours my sisters children over the others. My mother denied this and swore that she loved everyone the same.
this is not true and i just feel that i have to tell her this favouritism is not going to continue with the grandchildren..i will not allow her to treat my children differently to my siisters.
She has neverhad me confront her like this..it has been a long time coming.
Thanks for your support these messages have really helped me..i hope i can in turn be of some help

losty, thanks for giving us some hope...are there any strategies or lightbulb moments you can share with us that helped you turn this around?

ummmmmmmmm let me kthink.... I suspect it is too late in tehday for me to think of anhyting senseible to say tonight, but I will think and post tomorrow. If Istart goiong on about my counselling now I will be here all night!

its an interesting point lemony "what must have happened in the lives of our parents to make them so cold?"

i dont know, but (and not in a whingy way), my childhood was horrible in more ways than i've mentioned here, yet im the complete opposite with my kids. i would do anything to make them happy. i have the usual moans about them but that's about it. i dont know if anything bad happened in my mum's childhood, if it had i doubt she would ever tell me but i know for a fact my dad had a normal happy upbringing.

My hsuband seems think it is a generation thing and that we are now so much more aware and sensitive to good parenting. He is of the opinion that our parents just didn't know any better and did not know exactly how much they were hurting us by their actions...i am interested to see how my mother will react, are you parents aware of how much they hurt you nightowl?

hi lemony. i know exaclty how your feeling except my situation is with my dad. i am the youngest of two sisters and have always known that my dad favoured my sister over me, although ive have tried not to let it bother me. however @ christmas after a falling out between my dad and sister (he does not approve of her partner of 1 year) my dad decided that he was going to have no more contact with her. he then went on to hound myself day in and day out (seriously it came to the point where i had 7 phone calls in half an hour from him! ranting about how worried he is for her and her children and that it is my duty as a sister to keep an eye out for her..as i live minutes away!!!) i have fallen out with him over much more crucial things in the past and he has NEVER been as concerned for me as he is for my sister and at one point we did not speak for almost a year...They have since made up and it is as if they never fell out. I have discussed this with him on many occasions and i must say that whatever they tell you (if they tell you)..you will not be happy with their excuse over their favouritisim (sorry cant spell) of one child over another you will NOT be happy. so you must prepare yourself for more disapointment. i am glad that i did ... my dad's being that my sister needs more taking care of!!

my dad isnt no, i think he is oblivious. he's not actually a nasty man in any way whatsoever.

my mum knows, but i think is in denial about much of it. things came to a head recently and i got a bit upset. (was actually upset about my dd's absent dad funnily enough) but it all came out how hurt i was about how she treated and continues to treat me. her response was to cry, tell me i shouldn't have brought the past up, i shouldnt upset her in that way and then stamp out of my house.

i never shouted, screamed, swore, or insulted her...i just got upset and she's always hated me crying. like i say, it makes her angry. however, that doesn't mean your mum will react that way. i hope you get some results.