This is my first post but also the last place I'm asking for help before calling social services tomorrow. I've exhausted every possibility of getting help and despite doing everything right, according to my mind counsellor, doctor, alcohol counsellor and friends. Today I have to accept that it's just not enough and the best thing for them is not to have me as their sole carer.
I could write pages on the lead up to this and explain really how serious I am in my decision but please just take my word when I say that I have spent years trying to put off this day but it's here and I have to do the hardest thing anyone could do.
I've spent all day thinking about suicide (again), but that's not being a good parent and more than anything that's what I'm desperate to be.
My current situation has come about since realising and addressing the fact that I have had undiagnosed borderline personality disorder all my life but used various means to suppress it.
My final and most damaging self medication was alcohol which took me down the path of accepting I am not normal and could have been damaging my children for many years. This realisation was enforced by losing my job due to my lack of ability to fit in and communicate in a professional manner. Basically, everyone I worked with couldn't cope with my personality and could tell I had mental issues. That led to a pathetic suicide attempt and then the decision accept and address all my problems by taking time out of work and getting as much help as possible.
That's what I've been doing since October but it's being a very slow process and the only 2 people I have had to support me through this have come to the end of their patience and understanding. They now belive that I'm not trying hard enough and that I should be getting better and looking for a job. They have come to think that I am actually ok and just want to stay home, do nothing and drink.
The upshot of this is that they have now both told me to sort myself out, pull myself together and that I am creating the problem and damaging my children. They are the only 2 people who know everything about me and my parenting. They know the good and the bad in me and they know how much I have always wanted to be a good parent. I have to accept their opinion and believe what they're saying which means I can't parent my children anymore.
There's so much more but I need to stop there. My counsellor suggested Family Lives who I had already contacted earlier today and they told me social services. I feel I've done everything a good parent should and I'm putting my children first by taking this last and terrifying step.
I'm sorry if some of this is typed wrong I'm on my phone and haven't checked it through. Just want to get it posted.