Pushing DP away, scared I'm going to lose him

[sadandanxious]

I'm going through a really rough time of it at the moment. I'm undergoing therapy to try and deal with some unprocessed trauma and it's really negatively affecting my mental health and my relationship. I feel so down, I'm disinterested in things and keep pushing DP away. I'm so scared he's going to leave if I keep pushing him away. He keeps telling me to take responsibility but I'm trying! I thought therapy would help with things but I feel so much worse. I don't know how else to take responsibility or what else to do

It sounds as if he does not understand mental illness. That doesn't make him a bad person, just someone who has not experienced what you are going through.

He has experienced it. He's feeling really down and out of it at the moment as it's the anniversary this month of a bad trauma that happened to him many years ago. We had a chat this evening and I feel a little better. To be fair to him he's sat with me so many times when I've had a total breakdown. He's patched me up more times than I can count after I've self harmed. I think this week has just been incredibly tough on both of us and he lashed out or rather back at me when I lashed out at him.

I have this uncontrollable anger sometimes. Mostly I'm angry at myself, for feeling so rubbish, for not being able to deal with counselling, for still being unable to cope with things so many years after I experienced the initial trauma. And then I wonder why anybody would want to stick around me so if I push him away then its me pushing him away rather than my fear of him choosing to one day walk away. Which makes no sense when I stop to think but I don't stop to think in the moment.

Also by keeps telling me to take responsibility, he said it once, when I'd continuously lashed out at him and got really angry for him even though he hadn't even done anything. I don't know why I wrote keeps as he's only ever said it once. I think when I feel so down and crappy my mind exaggerates the worst and focuses on all the negatives.