It's all gone wrong

[MissyB1975]

So...... where to start - I have happily been going about my job as Area Manager which I got promoted about 7 months ago. I've been very work focused and driven which in turn has made me forgot all about me. I have worked for this company for 7 years building an amazing relationship with them.

About 6 months ago I started suffering for anxiety and sleepless nights ( 2 that don't go well together!), crying all the time and in general my head has been in a mess. I started seeing a councillor which has helped me lots. Due to a change in me I have had to tell my work which was very upsetting for me as I truly love the company I work for. They have been supportive but on Friday I had to go to head office to discuss how I have been feeling. They are take all pressure off me and I'm going back to work in a store for 3 months which I don't know how I feel about.

I can safely say I have no life as I have focused so hard on getting to Area Manager. I have had endless disaster relationships which hasn't bother me till now. I have no children which I desperately want and at 41 this seams even further away.

Any advice?

for your promotion. Hand holding until someone better comes along x

was your anxiety work related??

Hi,

Stress can creep up on us without us realising. Have you seen your GP? Antidepressants can be really helpful, so that might be worth discussing. Itsgood that you have a supportive employer who are happy to adjust your duties for a while whilst you recover. I am also on reduced duties after having 3 months off sick.

It sounds like you need to get a better work life ballance to allow you to sustain your workload. None of us can sustain working flat out forever. Are there anythings you enjoy that could act as stress relief. For me its exercise, I've also started knitting which I find theraputic. I find meditation and mindfulness really useful too.

Do you work a lot of extra hours? Thats something else to think about redressing if you do. The company obviously value you already. Do they offer any stress management workshops through the training department or occupational health?

Thanks for replying, I think the anxiety has been brought on by work - my role is very stressful and challenging. I've always been very confident in work but recently I have lost this feeling very nervous when I have had to deal with a situation.

I do work long days, coming home starting again sometimes depending on work load.

I'm very upset by how I have changed into someone I don't even recognise. As sad as this might sound I love the brand I work and I feel I have let everyone down. 😢

Missy,
By now you are beginning to understand management is one of the worst ways you can earn a living. Youn have to control the most uncontrollable systems in the universe... people. To get an idea of just how difficult they are... read this forum. It is populatd with all the problems known to management... They fill these pages and many other forums with their endless problems and worries. Your job as a manager is to get them to deliver a product to a budget... stress doesn't begin to describe it.

Having said that, much of management can be learned. There are techniques that can be used to get people to do as you want. They have to be learned and practiced much like a musician learns how to play an instrument. Your employer should be training you with the tools to do the job. Take five, regroup and try again.

And please keep posting.

Oh MissyB sorry to hear. I agree with pp, management is tough! I meet a lot of senior managers in my work and they all agree it's endlessly demanding and stressful. But they all say it does get easier with time and experience. Don't be too hard on yourself. Take it one day at a time and concentrate on sorting your anxiety and stress first - then worry about your job. Even if you have to take a step back for a bit that's totally fine. You can always pick it up again later. There's not just one shot at life

Management is not all bad different, but you are right it is challenging, and your work should be supporting you in developing into your new role. Do you have a supervisor or mentor on the next rung up in the company who can help you with this. Including the work life ballance bit. I have a rule about leaving work at work, I also have a rule about finishing work on time at least 4 days a week. My health is more important than work.

As for letting people down, you haven't. Would you feel like this if you had broken a limb and needed to alter your duties for a few months? It's the same thing.

Look back at how far you have come at work, at all the challenges you have overcome. You have shown time and again that you are good at your job to get to the position you are in. It's easy to compare ourself to others who have been doing the job longer and find ourselves lacking, but they were once where we are now. It's called imposter syndrome, I think we all get it from time to time, I know I do. So keep looking back and reminding yourself of all the times you have been successful in the past. And then when you are ready look to how you can make your role sustainable for the future to prevent burn out.

Oh love. I'm a mental health OT and totally understand what and how this has happened.

It's great that you're accepting support, please keep doing that. Priority is your health and wellbeing, you did really well to get the promotion but it sounds like the stress has just crept and crept on you. We all only have the capacity to manage so much at a time and there's no shame in that.

You haven't let anyone or your brand down, it sounds like you're a really valued staff member and that won't change. Is there a way to keep some responsibility but lessen the workload/stress? Have a think about ways in which youve been neglecting yourself. Sometimes things we normally do everyday slip, like cooking a nice tea, sometimes it's things like not seeing friends for weeks or just not looking after ourselves as well.

Try to make a list of things you normally do to feel well and balanced and make it your mission to pursue a couple of them this week maybe?

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. It's means a lot.

I feel lost, i don't know who this person is I've become but one thing I know for sure it's not me. I have worked so hard I have total forgotten about me to the point where I can't remember what makes me happy - family time makes me happy which I'm so luck to have my mum, sister and brother. Now I want my own family and this is another thing that makes me really upset as it's so far away from me.

One step at a time I guess but my baby clock is ticking

Missy,
Can I suggest you consider very carefully whether you really want to do a management role? It is tempting to work hard for promotion under the notion that it brings other rewards. But it comes at a cost. You often have to be a different person in the workplace to when at home.

Management is not bad, but it is very hard work, very tricky to get it right and very easy to get it wrong. The fact you say you have changed is an indication you are not finding it easy. That's not to say you can't do it but that at present it is not suiting you.

You do need to speak with your employer. You need to ask for training appropriate for the level of the job you are managing. And get it. Sadly the UK is very poor when it comes to management training. All too often it is assumed a promotion will make you into a manager. It won't.

Good managers are not born they are trained and tutored in their craft. You need the training.

I am an 'admin manager' but really it's a supervisor role. I started a course to go up to the next rung of the ladder as school business manager. However a couple of stressful incidents at work have crystallised I don't want this next step. I'm happy as I am and it would just cause me more stress which I don't need or want. The realisation of this fact was a weight off my shoulders. I'm still suffering from anxiety and work are being great but accepting my decision was a huge step forward. If management is really what you want though I would suggest asking for more support and taking time for you xxx

Joto,
You are very wise.
Perhaps with more experience you will be able to revisit another go at promotion. But do make that choice carefully and slowly.

Thanks itsnoteasy. Its not as much about lack of work experience (48 next month!) but a massive realisation and acceptance that I'm not interested in management at that level and that my health and happiness is more important. My work is very much pushy and CPD focused but some people really aren't interested!! I wish I'd realised it a lot earlier in life instead of pushing myself in directions I wasn't really interested in going or feeling I had to.

It might be worth taking this time to consider you priorities as you say one of them if having a family. I think women have a lot of pressure put on them to 'have it all' the career and the family. I personally don't believe you can do both brilliantly and to try is going to be very stressful as compromises will be needed. I suppose its what compromises you are willing to make.

Another thing is looking at what work can be delegated and to who. My manager once told me that a sign of a good manager is to feel like you are not needed. To set your team up so that it runs smoothly even if you are not there, rather than being the one running arround doing everything yourself.

My employers have been amazing, that's why I feel like I have let them down. They have given me the most amazing opportunities which in turn has made me work hard for them.

I think I have been feeling like this for a while now and everything has come to a head for me. I'm the queen of 'I'm fine' when I'm not fine, putting in the happy face when I'm exhausted.

Oh it's all so confusing for someone who once had their working sorted ( or so I thought!)

If your employers have been amazing then do't fret..

Good employers understand management is a skill that has to be learned and honed.. It is no different to being a premiership football player of a concert pianist. You start with a level of skill then develop your skill with training and practice and more training and more practice. There is no way you have let them down because you got it wrong on your first go anymore than a striker who misses his first shot at the goal in a match.

Totally agree. You have by the sound of it amazing employers who will be more interested in your long term health. I'd say step back and take some time for you. Xx