Felling down def, but am I actually depressed?

[mm22bys]

Hi,

this is my first post on this topic.

I am a SAHM to a delightful two year old DS, and he means the world to me. I also have a 3 month old.

DS2 has been sick on and off since he was born, and today I took him to the GP as I am concerned about his development. He has been referred to a pediatric neurologist.

I feel like I am being a really bad mum to my two boys. DS1 is at nursery 2.5 days a week, but he really plays up when he is at home. I try to arrange activities for his non-nursery days, or playdates, but with a sick 3 month old he is very much taking second place and I yell at him a lot...

I always wanted a brother or sister for DS1, but have to admit I was not overjoyed when I found out I was pregnant, and now that he is here I feel like we haven't bonded, and that I am just keeping him alive. He doesn't do anything, and he desn't seem to be responding visually to things, so it is like he is in his own little world - hence the referral.

I am actually feeling really alone at the moment, I have friends nearby but until I know what is wrong DS2 I don't want them to know. Our families are both overseas so no support there..

I just feel like I am really struggling at the moment, that I don't love DS2, and that I am letting both of them down...

If you got this far, thx,

Hi - just read your thread and can really understand why you're feeling like you are. It must be hard not having your parents nearby for support.
Perhaps you're feeling negatively towards your DS2 because he's not doing what you expected him to be doing at 3 months but that doesn't mean he doesn't need you. You didn't expect him to be poorly and you probably didn't expect DS1 to be tricky when at home on his days off and when you're tired from looking after them both and wondering what is the matter with your second, you probably feel quite resentful but that really doesn't mean you don't love him. Do you get enough support from your DH? Have you told him how you feel? How long do you have to wait to for the paeds referral? Perhaps once that is over with, you'll feel brighter - often when you're worrying and shattered, everything can seem a lot worse or maybe you are suffereing with pnd. Could you not chat to one of your friends and ask them not to mention it to anyone else, just so that you can offload some of your worries. I had pnd with DD1 but she wasn't ill so I can't know how that must feel. Anyway - you can always post on here and people will chat things through with you.
Also, could you're DH take DS2 for you for a while at the weekend so that DS1 gets to have time with just you? He's probably just a little jealous and can sense you're worried about DS2.