Daughter's boyfriend has killed himself

[runningtogetskinny]

Sorry for the dramatic title, but thats what happened basically. She is 19, he was 24, they'd been together 3 years. On Thursday she rang me to say she was finishing work early as her new boss told her to go home - her boyfriend hadn't replied to any texts and his Mother rang her to say he hadn't been seen since 9.00 and she had reported him missing. I collected her from work and dropped her at his Mother's house, telling her he had probably gone to a friends while out walking the dog (he hadn't taken the car with him). As I set off to drive home a neighbour rang from DD phone to say BF body had been found and the police were at the house. I went back straight away - he had hanged himself from a tree 1/2 way between his house and ours. Obviously she is devastated, we are all very upset by it - I just wondered if anyone has any advice about how I can best help her? I work in family support, but it feels very different when its your own child/family. Any advice received. Thanks

Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide is a superb - and immediately available resource.

I am so so sorry for your loss

Suicide is the leading cause of death in young men aged 18-25 yet the least discussed, I hope that changes one day and right now I am hoping that the experience SOB can offer will help your poor DD in some way.

What an absolutely horrendous situation. Those poor parents, your poor daughter. Everyone must be completely devastated.

Was the BF depressed? Because you say his mother alerted the police. Which you wouldn't necessarily do for an adult unless the person concerned was considered vulnerable.

With regards to your daughter, all you can do is be there. Make sure she looks after her basic needs like eating and drinking. She will play the entire relationship through her mind and go through all the stages of grief. They don't come in any particular order. Be there to listen and support her. Don't let her blame herself. She had no control of his actions.

This happened to me when I was 24, he was 27 and we'd been together 7 years. Also hanged himself.

Everyone deals with things differently, but I wasn't prepared for the huge amount of anger I felt - and that was hard for other people to deal with.

I was lucky that his parents didn't blame me - they did however put me on a pedestal and that was very hard to deal with over the years.

It took a long time to get over - dealing with the break-up of relationships years later was tough (I couldn't leave people as I was so scared that they might do the same thing), so be aware that there may well be major blips in the road even years from now.

Best thing you can do is just be there for her and try not to expect any particular reaction especially in the first weeks. Getting some counselling from someone neutral and unconnected with daily life might help.

I'm so sorry for all involved, it's just horrendous for everyone.

Hamlet and Star, I am so dreadfully sorry for your losses; what an unspeakably horrific thing to go through and with so much less support and awareness that exists now

And apologies all, as soon as I saw the thread title I googled immediately for SoBs - as know it has such a unique service - and, very unusually for me, did not RTFT so didn't realise so many people had already mentioned it.

No advice OP other than to say I am so sorry. A close friend of my DD hung herself from a tree, around 7 years ago now. My daughter was 20 and she became very clingy, for quite a long time. Obviously it was the way in which her friend died too that was so upsetting. My thoughts are with you, you sound lovely and I'm sure you'll get your DD through this awful time

Tell her it isnt her fault , I knew a lovely young man who was very successful, lovely wife, baby on the way and he drowned himself before the baby was born. I can remember thinking why didnt I realise he was depressed? Now I think if his baby and wife wasn't enough to keep him here then nothing would have changed his mind he was severely mentally ill and it is tragic for all concerned . Your poor dd I hope she can make some sense of it all eventually, meanwhile just be there for her which I am sure you are

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I should have said it was a week past Thursday, the time has flown! I will make her aware of SOBS (I had a look at the website) this might be helpful to her. I have tried to reassure her that it was an illness in the same way he might have died from cancer, and there was nothing she could have done. Their relationship was quite up and down at times, and looking back I can see he started to behave more erratically over the 3-4 weeks before his death. Thankfully they hadn't just argued, she had text him that morning suggesting they go away for valentines night and he replied that sounded great. When he didn't reply to any more messages she became concerned, and frustrated as she thought he was ignoring her for some reason. Apparently he had been upset the day before and had shared some of this with his Mother, which is why she reported him missing - it was also very unusual for him to go out for more than an hour without taking his car. The funeral is next week, hopefully she will get through it and begin to look to the future. We went for a drive today with her driving (she is still learning) we drove past the places they often went to, she appeared to enjoy talking about memories they shared. Again, thanks for the kind messages, its so sad that many of you have personal experience of this x

Hello. I know you posted this a long while ago but my daughter is currently suffering the loss of her boyfriend which happened on the night of her 21st birthday. I am devestated for her & struggling with my own emotions too. Please can you offer any advice?