*trigger* self harming

[MonumentsAndMelodies]

I was going to name change but don't really see the point, I don't actually think anyone cares enough to notice the real me on here.
Anyway, to the point, I've just self harmed for the first time in about a year, just under. I've had a drink, dp is asleep, dd2 7months is in bed, dd1 and ds are at their their dads so dc are safe which is, to me, the most important thing.
I just needed to get it out, not sure how I'm going to tell dp or even hide it from him but I needed to get it out somewhere.
I'm not suicidal, I just needed to get the hurt out, but now I feel stupid, weak and guilty.
I was going to say I'm not after sympathy but it all sounds so self pitying that I'm now unsure why I wrote this in the first place. I'm still going to post in the hope someone replies that understands :/

Well, 5 minutes has passed and already someone is reading your post (from Scandinavia, the world is big)! I will read it more properly now, it'll take a bit longer, just posting to let you know .......

You shouldn't feel guilty about it, you're doing the best your can to cope! Not necessarily with the best methods around, though, self-harming can never be a recommended method. I must read up on the topic now.

It says here
www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/cutting-and-self-harm.htm
that you did the right thing to confide in someone, us, on "mumsnet" if you don't have anybody else around.

How are you feeling now? Do you have anybody to confide in, a friend perhaps? Not now, obviously, at 4:30 a.m. but maybe later today?

Oh Monuments I feel you. It's been a very long time since I last self harmed, but I totally understand how you could get there. Well done you for making sure that the children are safe and away from it. Does your 7 month old wake in the night?

I'm hoping you have a supportive partner or someone else you could talk to because things must have been really tough for it to get to this.

Sending empathy

My dp hates that I've done it in the past and is very sympathetic over my previous scars. I swore I wouldn't do it agai but the last few weeks have got too much. Nothing has really happened, just my stupid head can't deal with my dc's behaviours, I feel like I'm failing them because how weak i am. My ds 4 has no respect for me because I'm such a shit mum,I just don't know where to turn anymore xx

You're not weak or a failure, but you're obviously overwhelmed. Raising children can really mess with your head. I know I'm working through a difficult childhood whilst I try to figure out what to do for my dd - it colours a lot.

Do you need medical help tonight or have you patched yourself up? Is there some help you can try and tap into this weekend?
Family, friends etc....?

Thank you both of you for replying. Dd shouldn't wake till at least 7 so I've got until then to deal with it :/ ( there always seems to be a time limit to this kind of shit :/)

You're not a "shit mum" at all, just an ordinary mum in an extraordinary situation. If your son shows little respect for you, now, maybe you can pick up some tricks and tips from searching on Youtube for "jo frost supernanny uk" it was one of my favourite programs, she always succeeded in straightening things out even in the worst cases (not yours, obviously, but others, some even that were really bad).

I've patched myself up for now, I don't think I have cut too deep ( really sorry)

You could look for "jo frost supernanny uk" on Youtube, I forgot to mention.

Thank you language learner, I'll have a look. I think I might possibly have bpd which I'm trying to get the courage to see my gp to refer me for a diagnosis at the moment. I've seen too many horror stories about it that have put me off seeking help before, so for now, wrongly I know, I'm kind of self medicating with alcohol. Well I have been but the effects seem to have been different recently which had made me realise it's not working (obviously)

Well that's good. I'm sorry to go but I've just got my dd back to sleep and I need to do the same myself. If you're feeling up to it, maybe a few hours rest would help you too.

I hope things can seem more manageable in the morning.

I've been there, it's so damn hard. Please don't feel guilty or weak, your dc are safe, you are taking care of yourself now. Please tell your dp how you are feeling. The fact your dc behaviour upsets you shows just how much you love them, proves you aren't a shit mum.
One day at a time, you've had a slip but you made it almost a year, you can do this. Have you ever heard of the butterfly project? It helps me when im at my darkest, maybe it might help you too. You can do this, I believe in you.

If you can't sleep my DD won't sleep now till the morning so I'm here

Have you spoken to your doctor about this? I found that I get to this point when my anxiety gets high, it's hormonal for me to easier to manage.

Hi, I know the feeling and how hard it is to resist when the urges are strong, you are not weak, you are strong for going so long without harming. Do talk to DP about how you are feeling. My DH did not really understand, he can't seem to understand that harming and suicide are completely different. But talking to him and sharing just how bad things had got really did help. Talk to your GP too, is it possible there could be some PND?

Also a friend of mine found surestart really helpful when she was struggling with disipline and her DS behaviour. Also wonder if his behaviour could be in response to a new baby in the house.