Does it ever stop?

[CrazyCatMum]

The speeding thoughts
The noises in my head
The horrible thoughts
And the not wanting to be here.
Does any of it ever go away and things become quiet?

Even breathing is too loud in my head, the effort it takes to do it.

Everyone's is still trying to help me, to keep me safe but I just feel like I'm letting them down by being an inconvenience, that I'm a complete fuck up and taking up a space in this world that someone else could use

It's just a mess😢😢

So sorry you are suffering this You are precious, and have just as much right to be here as anyone else. Your suffering does not alter that fact.

It did go away for me, though not without a struggle, and not quickly. But I look back now, and know that, so so very hard though it was, I am now much stronger from what I learned.

Do you want to talk about it more?

I just don't know what to do anymore, everything is so dark..
I'm scared that what's in my head, sacred what's out my head.

I'm scared to trust anyone, I had just started to trust the professionals involved with me but something happened this week to make me doubt all of them, doubt me.

I don't know what's real and what's not anymore.
I'm just scared

Cat mum,
This place is real.
It is full of real people who have similar experiences and want to help each other for no reason other than understanding some of what you are going through.

You are not letting people down any more than someone with a broken leg is letting down their loved ones. You are unwell. Simple as that.

I hear you about not trusting your doctors. The problem is that mental illness is a much more difficult illness to treat than something complicated like diabetes or ebola. No one can measure mental illness.. There are no blood tests, no x-rays, no MRI scans available for it. Doctors have to work on well educated guesses and experience. So yes they don't always get it right all the time.

Please keep posting.

That sounds like a scary place to be to you, I've been there too. I know its hard to see right now, but this will pass. Set yourself small goals minute by minute hour by hour this will pass. The NHS proffessionals are tring to help they might not always get it right, but they do want to help you to get through this too.

I just feel like I keep messing up, wasted my counselling session today talking about nothing, going round and round the same stupid things, or what feels like stupid things.

I go from numb to everything hurting so much I'm crying my eyes out, I don't know which is worse 😢

I'm so tired, tired of the stigma that this horrible illness has, hate it all 😢

Hi,

I really don't think you can talk about the wrong things in councelling, its your time and the stuff you talked about was obviously what you needed to talk about at the time. Often we do go round and round with the same stuff until we find a solution, or a way to break out of the cycle.

I do know what you mean about going from numb to hurting, its a horrible horrible time, but it will pass.

Stigma can be hard, are you strughling with other peoples reactions? Sometimes I think that stigma we hold about our selves can be even worse.

I just wish it would all stop, I get so angry with myself because I can't get a grip, can't do simple things, can't work out simple thing like shopping, meal planning etc.
There is someone on my Facebook page and I envy her so much in that she posts what she's making for tea, what her meal plans are for the week, all things that should be easy but I'm to stupid to manage it.
Opening letters or answering the phone I can't do.
Even posting on here I struggle to comeback and see if anyone has replied.

If I could cut my head off and cut my stomach out it would be ok but that's not possible.
It all feels like a punishment that's never gonna stop 😭 😭

Be kind to yourself, you are not stupid, you are poorly. Not so long ago I couldn't even make a cup of tea because I couldn't concentrate for long enough to plan it! I once got stuck in the house because I couldn't work out how to get out! Give yourself time.

I also found pacing myself important, If I ran round doing everything on a good day I would set myself back a week. I had to be strict about sticking to one or two things per day to start with. I still struggle to concentrate at work but its gradually getting easier.

And we all know that people only tend to put the good bits on facebook, and quite frankly I would get pretty fed up of a friend who posted her meal plans, seriously has she nothing better to do? Lol

So my son was sick last night, I'm such a crap mum I told him he had to clean it up as I can't do adult sick, I know he's a teenager but he's still my child.
I just felt this rage at it all.
He was off school today and I couldn't phone anyone as he was about and I worry he will hear and be upset, no child wants to hear that their mum wants to end it, that she doesn't want to stay anymore, but even knowing that it would upset them I don't care and I should,
Why is that part in my head not there?
I'm so messed up 😭