First of all let me just say that parts of this post may/will be upsetting to some people so an advanced warning, I don’t know what trigger warning means on some of the other posts but maybe this is it
Can someone give me some advice please – if you are a social worker, health visitor, other health professional, as to what I should do. I don’t know whether to call CAMHS, the HV, GP, someone else, no one. I feel like I should call someone but don’t know how to get them to listen or do anything to help me as they haven’t so far
I live on my own with a 3 year old daughter. I’ve been experiencing moments of extreme irritability/anger that seem to come out of nowhere, or there will be a very very small trigger for them. The anger fills my whole body, it feels like I’m being flooded with it. I clench my teeth, swear using the nastiest words you can think of. So far I’ve refrained from hurting my daughter but she sees this and gets very upset, I believe it is changing her mood, how she is, from a lovely settled and intelligent child into an unsettled and scared one.
There are lots of ‘symptoms’ if that is what you call it. Last night my daughter got into bed with me in the middle of the night, woke me up just after I had got to sleep and I felt the rage, and it’s all I can do not to hurt her. I don’t say that without knowing how bad it sounds, but in these moments thoughts of hurting her badly flash through my mind.
In the end I pushed her roughly and punched the bed next to her and knew I had to remove myself, so went to sleep on the sofa.
I don’t want to hurt my daughter, I love her to bits, but in these moments I feel so, so angry. I’m scared that at some point I won’t have enough self control/restraint, and will end up hurting her. I feel like I’m already damaging her by her seeing and experiencing what she already does. I feel like I’m a monster, there is something wrong with me, with my brain. Why is this happening?
This morning I can still feel it, it is like I have a headache but it’s more like pressure in my head, its constant and whereas before it has gone away and come back, its more like its there permanently. My chest is really tight and it’s a bit hard to breathe. It’s like I’m spaced out, but I’m not and can write this out.
I’m not on any medication of any kind.
One thing to say is I think sugar might have something to do with it, I went sugar free then binged really compulsively over the weekend. I’ve tried running to work it all back out of my system but that probably takes a few days. Can sugar/sugar withdrawal affect someone so dramatically?
I have already asked for help, over and over, from GPs, HVs, CAMHS. CAMHS finally listened to me recently when I saw them (the others just fobbed me off and ignored me, so many times). They suggested a number of things might be wrong – borderline PD, or bipolar, for example. But they haven’t done a full diagnosis. They just gave an appointment in a few months time and I was left on my own again. I did tell them that I was experiencing these periods of anger/rage and was upset by the thoughts of hurting my daughter. It didn’t seem to make a difference in how quickly they would be able to do anything for me.
What do I do? If I call CAMHS and they cannot see me sooner, can I call social services in my county and ask for my help? Can I ask them to take my daughter and look after her so there is no chance of me hurting her? I feel powerless because I have described myself to so many health professionals and got nowhere. Maybe because I probably come across when I see them as well spoken and presented? – but if they saw the way I am at home, the way I am describing to them, I don’t think they would think I was fit to be a mother.
Sorry for the long post.