I don't know what to do

[IveBecomeSoNumb]

I had a TFMR in August last year. Since then my mental health has been severely damaged. I took some time off of work to receive her after giving birth to my son at 24 weeks, in total I had 7 weeks off. Then also had 3 weeks off during my due date.

I work in a job that it helps to have continuity its win and taking more time off isn't an option for me. I'm currently take 40mg of citalopram for my anxiety and depression. But my mental health isn't getting any better.

I severely regret the TFMR and miss my son so much. The fact that I killed him plagues me. It haunts every waking moment and my dreams. I hate that I'll never get to see him or hold him again. The nature of his congenital heart defect meant he was unlikely to live past five and would've had to undergo lots of extensive heart surgeries with massive risks. I also have a toddler at home and his surgery would've made it extremely likely one of us would've spent Christmas in hospital. I made the decision in such a short space of time and feel that because of this I massively regret it now.

The rational voice in my head that tells me to stay for my DD is getting quieter and quieter. Where as the voice telling me to end it all and be with my son is getting louder and more difficult to ignore.

My GP and my psychiatrist are saying there's nothing else they can do to help me and I'm terrified that I'll feel this way forever. I really cannot do that. I cannot live everyday like this, it's unbearable and stifling. Please help me, i don't know what to do.

All I can say is that I had a little baby with a similar congenital defect 20 years ago. We proceeded with the pregnancy but I went into labour at 27 weeks and he wasn't well enough to survive. You cant forecast the future or change the past bit you did what you felt was best for you at the time.

What I can say is that I was numb with pain and anguish but that eventually it stops hurting and you come to terms with it.

I hope you are getting support and counselling.

It is worth carrying on. I have so many happy memories to look back on that were created after my son died. Not least ones about my first son and the daughter who followed a little later.

Do you have access to a crisis team.

I'm so sorry to hear you lost your son.

I just can't see the light. I'm cuddling my DD now and still don't want to be here without him.

The GP hasn't put me in touch with a crisis team, and I'm worried that if they did I'd lose my job.

I'm waiting to be called into the doctors right now. Please remember you can always call the Samaritans. 116 123. You can also go to A&E if you are very desperate.

With love x

Okay thank you for the advice x

You won't lose your job for calling crisis team, no one will know its confidential. You should be able to find the number online or through your local hospital switchboard. Or as PP said there is samaritans 116 123 or email [email protected].

Nothing anyone can say will take the hurt away. You made the very hard decision so that your son didn't suffer. You did what you felt was the right thing for him. That doesn't mean that you won't miss him and hurt like crazy though. You need to give yourself permission to grieve instead of beating yourself up about it.

Please keep in touch with us and let us know how you get along.

Thank you both. I'm going to go back to the GP tomorrow and see what she suggests. I'm panicking if people realise I really don't want to be here anymore they'll take my daughter away. I've worked so hard to be the best mum I can be and now I feel like I've failed both my children. I just can't cope with the grieving anymore.

Honey I know how you are feeling I'm also on citalopram 40mg I am now half way through my assessment for mental health so please don't ever feel you can't be helped you are feeling what is so normal for anyone who has lost a child it will take time how your gp and your psychiatrist are saying there is nothing more they can do is rubbish I have had therapy and may need it in the near future but please do get the help and support you so desperately need

But what else can they do? I've had counselling with a specially trained psychologist and it's now coming to the end. (NHS funded slots, have 2 sessions left) the doctor keeps saying there isn't anything more for me to try. I've had it all. I don't know what to do. 😢

Have you tried support groups for mothers who have suffered a death of a child ive had different types of therapy and I found ipt was the right one for me as cbt didn't work neither did normal councilling

I think SANDS would help you. You are bereaved. There is also bereavement counselling. You sound as though you need an advocate and mh care in the UK is shocking. Does your workplace have an EAP scheme that might provide counselling.

Mind could also help with contacts. There are also some family charities who could help. I've some details in my drawer at work and will post them tomorrow.

Can you tell us where you are, roughly, how old and lively your DD is and if you have a partner or mum to support you.

Lovely although I'm sure she's lively too x

Oh the Roses I was just going to suggest that to

Nattygk I will try and look up support groups, thank you.

OhTheRoses I live in SW England, my daughters nearly 3, I have the most wonderful partner he really grew into the person I needed him to be through this ordeal. I also have the most amazing mum. However she doesn't really understand how to support me and gets so anxious and worried that I am going to hurt myself. I just don't know what to do. I feel like now my daughter wouldn't remember me and is lucky to have the supportive family she has. She has the most wonderful bond with her Nan and with her dad and I feel like with those two important supports she'd be fine with out me.

Absolutely not lovely. Nobody can replace a mother. You will get through this, I promise.