Feel like I'm nothing

[sammyjayneex]

Feeling really low.

I feel like I'm nothing and contribute nothing to this world. I'm a stay at home mum and I love my kids but I feel that I don't have anything good to give In this world. I was never shown any direction in life.. have low self esteem and was never pushed.. I think my mum only wanted me to go to college so she could continue to claim child benefit. I was brought up around alcohol and alcohol always come first. I have had OCD since I was a child which no one got me help for and now as an adult I feel like I've spent my whole childhood and adulthood so far battling with intrusive thoughts that I don't have any memory. Lots of my life is a blank! And I'm worried my OCD is affecting my memory. I had CBT around 6 years ago but after the treatment my OCD was still there. ( I don't think I was entirely honest with her About the thoughts I was having due to the shame I felt. I'm losing my teeth one by one due to the poor diet I had as a child and because my parents couldn't be bothered to teach me nothing. I'm so worried because I can't remember certain Parts of my life. It's like I have forgotten the main structure of my child hood and he only small memories I have are the bad things. I feel like I don't deserve to be human. What's wrong with me? How do I get out of feeling like this?

How many kids do you have? How old are they? You are giving something good to the world by raising your children.

You don't feel like you were pushed what would you have done if you were? You're never too old to pursue something you're passionate about

Providing your children with a good life and ensuring they have good memories and not the same memories you do is contributing something amazing to this world.
Never doubt yourself because of your past, you need to seek help and be honest, not ashamed - I know it's easier said than done. I've questioned my worth for a long time and I'm just starting to seek help for my own anxiety and OCD, and I couldn't have reached out for the help without the advice of people on mumsnet. You're not worthless, and you're children will always need you
I hope you get the help you need x

The saddest thing I ever say was at Roundhay Park Leeds back in the early 80's. It was the firework display and on the bank in front of me was the proverbial family from hell. Dad, all 20 stone on one side with six or so children in a line each getting smaller. Mum, best part of 18 stone with a small toddler.

The display team set up a big maroon to tell people the show was about to start. It went off with a hell of a bang and a huge canopy of lights.. which frightened the little toddler who started crying.

Mum hit the poor child shakes it and says... look it's pretty. Every time the toddler cried she got another clip round the ear. I thought what chance does she have that her mum only knows hitting.

It seems to me you are not like that. You know there is a lot more to life than drink. You have recognised the mistakes your parents made and seem to not want to repeat them. That is quite amazing. Please be proud of yourself for stepping up to the responsibility of being a caring and loving mum.

It could be it's because of your original family having had problems with alcohol that you have difficulties remembering certain parts of your life just now.

I'll let you in on a secret. It's OK not to contribute a lot in life, but just to hang around and enjoy it. (Even if you don't enjoy it, now, that's ok too, but then try to find little things you do enjoy...)

Try to take care of your teeth as from now on (flossing and all that). Obviously it's not fun having had a bad start, but what is done is done, nothing you can change. You can only make changes looking forward.