Accepting you're just a bad person

[imthelastsplash]

I'm 44. I've lived in the same town for all those years and now have a 10 year old dd and a DP. I have a beautiful home, I'm educated, intelligent, have a sense of humour, I'm kind, I work hard and I have nobody.

I had a 'difficult' childhood and due to that struggled to make friends. But I had a couple. Women who I thought would be with me my whole life. Last year my depression came back with a vengeance. I've never felt so ill. Since confiding in my 'friends' both have blocked me. We didn't argue, there were no cross words, they just decided they didn't like me.

It has made me completely reassess every interaction I've ever had - looking for reasons why nobody has ever included me. I never get invited for work nights out, there's no old school friends desperate to reconnect (although apart from the odd post on here I gave up on social media).

I have reached the only rational conclusion that there is something wrong with me. 44 years and I've not made an impression on anyone. Not one single solitary person. DP tries but he works long hours, and wants to relax when he gets home. I don't actually think we have much in common, but he's a good man and I think just feels trapped by the fact I'm the mother of his child. There is no intimacy and we don't talk.

It's reached the point now that apart from the most basic of social interactions I will NEVER let another human being be part of my life. I will be alone on my own terms.

Not sure what I'm trying to say, but today has been a VERY bad day and I just wanted to get it out somewhere

It does sound like a bad day and that you've focused on reaching some conclusions that maybe you wouldn't have reached on another day?

I also question rationalising other peoples issues as being something wrong with you. Other peoples issues are just that - theirs.

44 is not so different from me. I have three DC, I'm on DH number 2 and sometimes it feels that with DC, DH's long hours that I don't have any me time or time to nurture any other relationships/ friendships of my own. Thats why I don't really have any friends - no time and I don't nurture them.

My advice is if today has been a bad one, don't let it be a defining you one. Maybe get busy with some shitty jobs that have to be done anyway - Philosophy is if things are bad, get it all out the way. Keep your mind as active as possible on other stuff - can you get out and go on a walk, invent a reason that you need something from the shops and force yourself out and about?

Today is one day. Maybe it's one to just get through and start tomorrow fresh and see if there is potential in it.

Thank you for your kind words. Today has been bad because a colleague asked me today if I was going on Saturday and then backtracked quickly when they realised I had no idea what they were on about.

I understand what you're saying about not having time for making friends but I've tried. I really have tried my whole life. All the things people tell you to do to make friends I've done. Joined clubs, taken up a hobby that gets me out to meet people. Joined fb groups relating to things I love. But nothing. People are always nice enough, there's just something in me that stops people from wanting more than casual conversations. I've tried arranging things with colleagues and nobody ever wants to do anything. I invited 30 people to my 40th birthday and one came. It's not ideal, and it's not fine but I do need to accept that it IS me. Hundreds of people can't be wrong

If hundreds of people can't be wrong please explain Trumps presidency to me? Millions can't be mad but I just can't get my head around it.

The secret get togethers and in crowds. Yep, I think a surprising number of people have suffered being on the outside.

I'm as old as most of the grannys at my younger DC's school. We're a whole generation separated. The other parents were almost exclusively born in the 90's. I get why I'm not invited to go to ....I'm a bit different to them. It does still hurt a little, and I smile and nod and join in conversations where I can. I get asked for advice and the say things like 'oh your just like our mum'.

I've come to the conclusion I'm a bit of an introvert. I do love a good mumsnet session as an outlet on a quiet day though. It certainly fills a bit of a gap in my life.

What are the things you're seeking from a friendship that maybe you could bridge the gap by filling in other ways, until it naturally happens?

The other thought that comes to mind is that if you are struggling to like you, doing a sales pitch on yourself it's not going to be glowing.

Thinking about you and your hopes and dreams. What mad things did you want to do when you were a grown up. Things for you not actually dependant on others?

I wanted to travel, It's taken a long time to set this plan in action. Money problems, house problems, divorce, severe disability in my eldest child, disability with my youngest but last year we did. A lot. Some of it more successfully than others.

Now I have more enthusiasm for my life, people are more interested in me, I have more to talk about thats not every day drudge. I wouldn't say I've got more friends, but I'd say I tentatively that I have a few people I know where there's something a little more than just being acquaintances

I think that's a big part of the problem. I don't know what I expect from a friendship because I've never really had one. I think people assume I'm introverted because I quite like my own company most of the time. I read a lot. I play the piano. I never have anything to say when people at work say 'what did you do at the weekend/half term' etc and I have nothing to say because I don't do anything.

I'm older than all the parents at school as well, but funnily enough that's never bothered me (probably because I'm the 5 years she's been going to school nobody speaks to me). I speak to dds friends parents, but only about dd stuff. We don't 'chat'.

I think now I'm writing it down, what I really want is someone to talk to. Someone I can natter on the phone to. Someone who I can invite round for coffee. I don't know. My heads fucked today

But that's what this is, mumsnet. That's what we're doing right now having a chat (albeit my mum needed me for an hour so I popped out).

I've concluded mumsnet can be a sort of place of friendship in my own odd/ unique way. I like my own company, but I do enjoy that of others too. I'm told that I'm confident, even a bit aloof. My mother tells me I've never needed her. Even as a small child I just got on with things and was independent - it actually hurts a bit, people need people.

Okay the coffee and cake are virtual - I've eaten too much cake anyway the last six months.

Yes, I do get that's not a good natter where you can gauge facial reactions but some of the need is filled.

This reminds me of an email I sent in a new area I'd moved to. I sent it to a few mums that had been superficially friendly at the school gate, it all starts that way. I suggested a sort of monthly casual get-together at alternate houses. One mum actually replied with the words 'I've got enough friends'. I was hurt, but she showed her colours. Her loss.

Do you like concerts/ theatre etc does your DD/ DH enjoy some of your enthusiasm or could you infect them? 10 is a fab age for starting adventures. I took middle DS to Disneyland Paris on an overnight coach at 10. He'd been having a rough time at school, eldest DS would never have coped and youngest was a bit young. We had a really fab time. Okay, not a romantic break in Paris with my husband but an amazing memory and something he still talks about a year or more on.

It really isn't you. It IS them. You're not a bad person.
Those people you thought would be your friends for life? They are probably the type who can't cope with MH issues.
I'm a bit like you. I don't collect bosom buddies and am mostly happy with my own company. I have acquired a lot of acquaintances rather than really close friends for life. But that's fine for me.
Is the issue your expectations of a friendship? Your MH issues or an ongoing result of childhood issues?

If I had acquaintances I'd be fine with that - but literally no one.

I do do things with dd - but she's developing her own independence now and wants to be in her room (endlessly rearranging her stationery!)

My depression is pretty bad at the moment. I know that is part of it. But I haven't been constantly depressed for 44 years.

People seem to like me. I broke down at work last year and the lovely secretary told me all the nice things people say about me, that I'm helpful and funny and not up my own arse. They just don't like me enough to want to even be acquaintances.

Thank you for saying it isn't me. But it really must be. It makes me incredibly sad because I try but I think I've hit a point where if I don't accept that this is all I will ever have then I'm just going to continue spiralling down.

Sorry I've got all upset now. Thank you

Op, I think we are identical

I hope not atheistmantis - I wouldn't wish my life on anyone

So what's the lovely secretary if she's not even an acquaintance?

What about the person who has foot and mouth and talked to you with enthusiasm earlier and possibly is another peripheral to the main event type who isn't fully part of the in crowd?

Some of this has to be the depression talking. It's very real and you shouldn't try to just best foot forwards indefinitely without some medical support too.

The lovely secretary was just that - someone who is truly lovely. I don't know her though, she just caught me having a cry in the toilets - basic human kindness I guess. I'd say the same to someone who was upset and full of self doubt.

I'm sorry I feel like I'm being argumentative. I don't mean to be.

I don't find your words at all argumentative. I find them full of sadness and your level of lowness is coming through.

That is a hand of friendship she offered. Yes basic kindness, but that is where friendship starts isn't it?

Not every person is going to be that cup of coffee friend. That comes once time passes and you have experiences to share.

Do you mind if I ask about your other friends that let you down that you mention in your first post? Was it a one event let down, or a slow degrouping - is it completely dead relationships?

Both of my friends I've known since childhood - one I've known all my life.

One moved away but we spoke weekly (if not more) on the phone for the last 15 years and I visited her 3 or 4 times a year. It was during a visit and we'd had a couple of drinks and I just poured my heart out to her. About things that had happened to me, about how I always feel sidelined by people etc. We both had a good cry. When I got home I messaged her but it didn't deliver and then tried to phone her but she's gone. She blocked me on fb,whatsapp, Snapchat, Instagram anything I could contact her by. I wrote to her and she never replied.

The other friend did basically the same by after me telling her what had happened with friend 1.

This was only last year. I miss them both so much

It's a very long friendship to have ended so abruptly. Do you think that when your heart was poured out, she could have over time interpreted what was said as you saying that you felt she sidelined you etc?

Would you consider sending another letter now, a year on. A brief, friendly note. This is where I'm at now, I'm sorry that we've lost contact. I think of you often and would love to hear how you are too.

It may draw another blank but you never know, it may not. Nothing to lose is there?

You are not a bad person..
I had a complete breakdown some 8 years ago and my best friend,,, who stood by me at my wedding,,, simply walked away from my life.

I also understand the bit about not having lots of friends.

imthelastsplash you have said nothing that makes me feel you are a bad person.

I have a friend who says that MH problems are a 'shit filter' because there are people that, once they've found out, will disappear. I had that when I was a teenager and first got problems, and then last summer what had been a close friend blocked me on everything when I was overly honest about my mental state. It is upsetting, especially if you have been there for other people in the past. I doubt your friends decided they didn't like you. They might have been scared by what you said. Blocking on all fronts suggests fear/hiding their heads in the sand.

You say that you'd like someone to have coffee with etc…have you ever been a person to suggest that to someone? I just ask as I am TERRIBLE at this and never ever do it. My main source of being social is through a hobby as there is less pressure to be 'best mates' and there is already a common ground for people to talk about (the hobby).

I would be your friend based on your excellent music taste personally speaking

Thanks dangermouseisace (which indeed he is)

I used to invite people for coffee, but there's only so many excuses I can take so I don't bother anymore.

I know, deep down, that there's nothing wrong with me and it's me putting up barriers. I have a lot of unresolved issues from my childhood and I just can't get over them. People have said before that they feel I never open up to them. I just don't subscribe to the need to spill out my private thoughts to anyone. Mainly because when I've tried I've either been shut out or been made to feel like my feelings mean nothing.

Oh I dunno. Just keep plodding on I guess

I am the same. It has taken me years to find some decent friends, but we are meet up for dinner every few months friends. I don't have nip for coffee friends. People tend not to warm to me. I have ASD though, so I think that colours all my interactions with other people. I have been terribly badly treated at school, university, some workplaces and by my first husband. I am now scared to bother, especially with people at work.

I do know that I'm not a bad person, I'm not horrible and it's not my fault though. So I know the same is true for you, OP.